....terrified that my inner bitch will ruin my fucking marriage.....Sorry to be so blunt, but this is it, no bullshit, no trying to act like I have it all together....I am freaking one step from the cliff....oh please let it all work out...please teach me to change and be decent....IDK...don't wanna lose him..
I've been freaking and standing at the very edge of a cliff for a good year now. I wake up in the morning and say "shit I'm still here". She rolls over and asks me how I am and I just grunt. I always get up that way lately. Then she starts into that I love you so much shit and I find myself backing away from that cliff. I got enough pills here to kill an elephant and because she keeps telling me that I just can't make that final step. I can't have sex with her and I hate it when she whispers in my ear that she loves me so much and that she can't live without me. Nobody in my whole life said that to me, nobody. Yeah she's a woman and I always wished she was a man but those were the cards dealt to me years ago. But love is the same for everyone and she is the only reason I'm still here. She is the perfect partner and that's why we've been together for 35 year.
You are lucky to have someone that puts up with the shit. I get the feeling that you both love each other and that is the main reason that people stay together. you don't have to have the fuzzies all the time. you don't have to get along all the time. If you think that your problem is because of the shit that happened as a kid tell him and then tell him your sorry. He is putting up with you because of love and no other reason unless you happen to be a billionaire.
I know you can work it out I also don't have it all together but I'm still here and still here with my wife. Don't assume anything, you have to ask him if he's tired of you, if he was tired of you he would have left already so something is keeping the two of you together. Talk man, talk to him, talk, talk, talk. If all the people in world would be able to talk to each other there would be no more Seria's, no more wars. Arguments in marriage are normal. I've heard that if there were none then you should ne nervous because it shows that you're not talking to each other.
I wish you two all the happiness and magic available in the world in the world
.Peace, Rainbows, Love & HealingJeff