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#434613 - 05/14/13 12:07 AM What "family" means to me...
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Family to me is synonymous with abuse. The values, the ideals, the whole idea of family is what kept my abuse going for 13 years. "Do it because they're family", "Love your family unconditionally", some people would "Do anything for family". They're all lies, there's no such thing as unconditional love. My parents failed me, my dad the seed of my darkness inside, the point of origin of which the whispers come. Implanted my need for perfection. Both alcoholics, never there for me, even when they were there. Even when they're here for me now they're not really there, it's as if I'm an obligation. I wish upon wish they'd just stop lying and tell me I'm just a burden, that they don't love me, because even that's better than smiling and saying I love you while making your life hell at the same time. The uncertainty, the lies, the obligations. It's like a cult almost. My brother, the epitomy of lies only barely above my dad in this area, a drug user, abused all of us with his deciet, his lies, and the pain he caused our little "Family". I was obligated to lie for him, to protect him from the police. Even if I caught him, I was an accomplice, because I was family. How many times I wanted to turn him in, but couldn't because he was family. How many times I wanted to believe his lies because he was my brother. Then there's my sister, my loving sister who ran away and left me all alone to deal with everything on my own. Still, she's the only person I haven't told about the abuse, not because I don't want to, but because she's gone, miles and miles away. I never see her anymore, the only person I really did love and consider family. Then my other brother, mentally disabled with a mind of less than a 10 month old, practically inhuman, a hinderance to the whole family and the source of me and my siblings neglect. A 30 year old infant, still I lose time from my parents because of him. I've prayed before, I've wished before, he should die, he has no reason, he's a parasite, but innocent at the same time. He should've died a long time ago but we keep him alive because he's family. His life is nothing but pain, meaningless. In and out of the hospital, can't even talk, walk, or understand anything but the pain he feels from the numerous physical ailments he has. Some would put a dying deer out of it's misery, why not him? Then there's my Aunts and Uncles, first on my dad's side. Mostly sociopaths, birth mother of my abuser, Curtis. Aunt #1, that's her, her children are nothing but parasites, her ex husbands mostly abusive and shit. Druggies. Aunt #2, "the perfect family" on the outside, but the biggest liars and bigots I know. Deceitful and uncaring but only for image. My cousin Ryan who was abused with my by Curtis, I told his mother, Aunt #2, and she said, as long as he never speaks of it, it doesn't matter, he'll deal with it. She didn't care, she's a fucking piece of shit, and her husband is too.

I could go on and on. Family disgusts me, it's fucking disgusting, I hate it, I hate the idea of it, I hate my family. They are my downfall, the ones who are supposed to help you rise did exactly the opposite. Why do I even still consider having a family in my life? Why can't I just say fuck everyone, I'm done, I have no family. You don't deserve my love and you never earned it to begin with. I just want to be done with it. I've always wanted to be an orphan, I'd dream of it as a kid. I still dream of it today. Sometimes I wish something, anything, would happen and I'd be free from them, never to see them again. No more obligations, no more expectations, no more stress, no more pain, no more lies, no more, just no more family.

Losing that, losing my family, understanding all their lies, is just as bad as learning who my cousin really was. I truly lost everything. Here I am 20 years old, and I've lost everything, my whole life, my whole fucking life. It feels like I've lived my whole life and everybody else knew it was fake but me, until now. And the loss is so great, I can't even begin to dive into the depths of the ocean of pain it's caused me, is causing me. I know what I need to do, but can I do it? Can I walk away from the "Sacred family bond"? Or will I lose myself... Will I fall apart? Or will I rise from the ashes and become the me unabridged, full of potential and nobody to hold me back anymore... Will I ever be able to pick myself up from this? Will I ever learn what real family is? Will I ever let myself have a family? How can I ever trust anyone when everyone who I was supposed to trust my whole life fucked me up so badly. The world will swallow me whole, my knees will buckle and I'll fall from the weight of the world. So here I am paralyzed in fear, because I know the next step is to leave my whole life behind, everything I know, everything I've ever known. I have to leave it all behind, and I don't know if I can. In my dreams, there's only me. And again here I am wishing, some tragedy would force me to be alone, because I can't take it anymore. I don't want a mother, I don't want a father, I don't want a family, I just want to be on my own, from those who destroyed me, utterly destroyed my chance at ever being who I could have been.

My family is the ultimate betrayal.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#434667 - 05/14/13 03:17 PM Re: What "family" means to me... [Re: CloudyFalls]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:58 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#434695 - 05/14/13 10:15 PM Re: What "family" means to me... [Re: CloudyFalls]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

HI CF. I know it may feel like your situation is hopeless right now but it's not. You're still really young and you have years to work on bettering your situation, becoming independent and putting as much distance between you and your family as you need to. It can be a long and arduous project but it's a project you have the rest of your life to work on.

It certainly does sound like the best thing for you would be to get independent of your family however you can and to cut them out of your life, at least for a time. Once you find the power within yourself to separate from them completely, you may find yourself wanting to reconnect with them after a time. You may not ever want to but if and when you do, don't let it make you feel weak or conflicted. The important thing at that point will be that you have the power to take them or leave them, so you will have all the power in the relationship and they will have none over you, which will make dealing with them again, if you so choose, much less painful and terrible.

By the way, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about the way you feel about your older brother. I can't imagine what that must be like and while your words may sound heartless to some, to me they sound merciful and sensible. I half-jokingly told my parents that, "If I ever wind up in a permanently vegetative state, don't pull any feeding tubes or pull any plugs. Just dump me out onto the floor and hit me in the head with a mallet until I stop twitching." I say I told them that "half-jokingly" because I was kind of shooting for getting a little shock laugh out of them but I was also expressing how I felt about the subject more or less completely honestly.

Good luck with your family dude. Keep sharing if and when it helps. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#434734 - 05/15/13 11:04 AM Re: What "family" means to me... [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
.....I truly lost everything. Here I am 20 years old, and I've lost everything, my whole life, my whole fucking life.....

Dear CF,

Thank you for posting this. You have expressed your pain so poignantly, its hard not to cry for you and what you've gone through. I know myself what the insidious lies of my family of origin were, and that I had to remove myself from them to be able to heal. But I'm 56, and not only lost my childhood, but most of my adulthood to the resulting substance abuse, sexual addiction, and broken relationships.

It may seem difficult to take in now, but while you've lost your childhood and that is tragic, at 20 you still have the opportunity to make things different from this point forward. You can write the story of the rest of your life any way you would like to, without having to waste the years that I did.

Please consider getting the help and support that you need to make that happen.

Jude

I
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#434739 - 05/15/13 11:50 AM Re: What "family" means to me... [Re: CloudyFalls]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:12 PM)

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