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#434482 - 05/12/13 11:25 AM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Juggernaut]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
"It is complicated but I am trying to point out the good things"

Shame is crazy. I have taken more than a year to fully understand the shame my husband feels (his abuse was familial too) - and even now, I cannot truly put myself in his position.

You will not be able to stop someone from committing suicide - sorry, but it's true (short of locking him up) - when we put ourselves as supporters in the role as SOLUTION PROVIDER, it is codependent and it is the GUILT dance that accompanies toxic shame. (Read THE SHAME THAT BINDS)

Support but do not feign being able to solve. He needs a great therapist and the support of those who have walked this walk (and your patient love).

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#434492 - 05/12/13 12:22 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Juggernaut]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Juggernaut
Originally Posted By: Esposa
Also, shame is a beast - a destructive hungry beast and I encourage you not to feed it. And the only way for that to perhaps happen right now is for you to be supportive yet uninvolved.


Forgive me, but I don't really understand what you mean by this.

If my husband is talking about killing himself, how am I to be supportive but uninvolved? And how would I be feeding his shame?


The CSA is a big deal. But as a supporter you need to make it not such a big deal. I think what we need is love from a supporter. Not someone to help us work through the problems. That is what the therapist is for. Sure you can discuss things but don't take an active role in trying to fix things. We need different kind of supports from different people. And while there will be overlaps I think that it would be best if there was seperation.

Thinking on this some more I'm thinking that the CSA exposure has made it a bigger thing. Why else would he be considering killing himself. So the bigger an issue it is for you the bigger it becomes for him. I would be feeling more shame when more people I cared for found out about it.

Hey I'm making this up as I go so take it all with a grain of salt.

I only recently got into a CSA therapy program and am in the get acquainted stage with my therapist and not yet discussed the CSA. (I should have had help a year ago when I was really fucked up) In our previous session she said initially the goal is to get stability and safety. From what i had experience over the last year, and still, I would agree.


Edited by Candu (05/12/13 12:46 PM)

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#434497 - 05/12/13 01:07 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Candu]
Juggernaut Offline


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: Candu
Originally Posted By: Juggernaut
Originally Posted By: Esposa
Also, shame is a beast - a destructive hungry beast and I encourage you not to feed it. And the only way for that to perhaps happen right now is for you to be supportive yet uninvolved.


Forgive me, but I don't really understand what you mean by this.

If my husband is talking about killing himself, how am I to be supportive but uninvolved? And how would I be feeding his shame?


The CSA is a big deal. But as a supporter you need to make it not such a big deal. I think what we need is love from a supporter. Not someone to help us work through the problems. That is what the therapist is for. Sure you can discuss things but don't take an active role in trying to fix things. We need different kind of supports from different people. And while there will be overlaps I think that it would be best if there was seperation.

Thinking on this some more I'm thinking that the CSA exposure has made it a bigger thing. Why else would he be considering killing himself. So the bigger an issue it is for you the bigger it becomes for him. I would be feeling more shame when more people I cared for found out about it.

Hey I'm making this up as I go so take it all with a grain of salt.

I only recently got into a CSA therapy program and am in the get acquainted stage with my therapist and not yet discussed the CSA. (I should have had help a year ago when I was really fucked up) In our previous session she said initially the goal is to get stability and safety. From what i had experience over the last year, and still, I would agree.


Thanks for the explanation. I understand what you mean. And I know I can't solve anything for him, nor would I try to. My initial gut reaction compared to how I feel now is totally different since the days have passed and he has opened up to me about what happened. I don't judge him, I just love him.

As far as pointing out the positives, I just mean that now that it's out, he can work on coming to terms with it, hopefully learn to forgive himself for what he did and heal from what was done to him. Now that he doesn't have to hide this from me, I can support him in his recovery in whatever way is best for him.

I hope no survivors or partners/family members take offense to anything I've said here. I'm doing the best I can and have no other outlet at the moment.

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