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#434133 - 05/09/13 02:47 PM I need to know
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
How many times do you have to die
and keep on living
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#434431 - 05/12/13 12:54 AM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
I guess nobody knows
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#434435 - 05/12/13 01:28 AM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3546
Loc: O Kanada
i sure don't.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
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Poetry

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#434549 - 05/13/13 07:58 AM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Quote:
[/quote]How many times do you have to die
and keep on livingquote]



... a most intriguing question. I have been thinking about this since you posted. For most people, we have these events that happen in our lives simply as a course of being. It alters our path a bit, but we adjust and move on. We deal with near fatal accidents, or illness, we have people we love leave our sphere of existence. We accommodate our emotions and our behavior and we continue forth. Those things are a part of the natural course of living, we just deal.

And then for others, like survivors of sexual assault, a part of us does die. How many times depends upon, I suppose, the depth of the emotional and spiritual damage that has been done. It depends, I would think, upon the amount of violence that lended itself to the assault(s).

I am not a fellow of theology nor psychology, so this is just the op of an ordinary man who has had some "extraordinary" happenings. I feel that a part of me died when I was young. Numerous times. I discovered a new me, a new way, and then as I became older, that me died, and I had to reinvent me again. Each time I was abused, a part of me altered- or died. It had been this way throughout my youth. Each time, each older male, destroyed a part of me that was and I continued to live. Throughout all of life's major events.

But it has been my experiences, and based solely on my experiences only, which is cool because then I can't be wrong... that there does come a time when what you are does die, even as you live, and to reinvent yourself becomes to difficult. That is the wall I have encountered recently. Some fellows encounter and live through alternative personalities. Some fellows become addicted to whatever eases that pain. Some dissociate as often as is necessary for their survival in a world which doesn't understand. Some of us become numb to the feelings of emotions.

So back to the immediate question of how many times do you have to die and keep on living? The possibilities are as endless as the days of a man's life. Not infinite, but endless none the less.

Thanks for question Shyshark. It made me think. And it helps me to see that no matter how many times I have "died", I do want to keep on living.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#434571 - 05/13/13 02:47 PM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
Thank you for your comments ThisMan ...
You have encapsulated my own thoughts fairly well.

My own life seems to have been a series of ... 'gifts given' ... and ... 'gifts lost',
and just like everybody else I have stumbled along life's path encountering the inevitable ...
the heights of exhilaration and the depths of despair.
The problem is ... like in this sentence as well as in my life ... one seems destined to follow the other.

Five years ago I said ... ENOUGH !

The new life I built ... unlike all the many ones before ... was based on one principle,
and one alone.
Alone.

I have worked very hard to distance myself from those left in my life ...
because of those who no longer are ... no matter the reason.
Gone is gone ...
and I have structured my life in such a way as to make as certain as possible
that I am not dangling myself in front of the jaws of change.
I've been licked as often as I've been bitten ... but bites leave scars.
Safe is safe.

But life insists on having it's way ... it just keeps on and on and on.

I have thrown myself at the feet of fate and begged for mercy far too often not to have learned my lesson.
It doesn't work.

Lately ... and very unexpectedly ... I find myself before her once more ... on one knee ... struggling not to kneel ...
and not just once ... but several times.
I'm anything but naive ... I hardly thought I could live for long without facing her again ...
... but this ...
It scares me more than I imagined it would.

I'm back to the 'gifts given' part ... and surprise surprise ... the 'gifts lost'.

And now another gift presents itself ... and foolishly ... I have accepted it ... and so we'll see.
It's in fate's hands now.

And thus the reason for my question.

It's not the dieing that I mind so much ... I know I can live dead.

It's the fucking resurrections that are killing me.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#434572 - 05/13/13 03:01 PM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3546
Loc: O Kanada
wow, shyshark!

THAT is a poem i can sink my teeth into.
now i see the first post was the appetizer.

i was swept away by the rich mixture of images.
how can such a beautiful message carry such terrible news?

gone is gone. safe is safe.
the ressurections are killing me.

those lines hit like an assassins's bullet.

i am glad it has a happy ending.
the phoenix rises from the ashes.

may i just say, welcome back to the land of the living.
for all the pain, it's worth coming here again.
happy re-birthday.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#434586 - 05/13/13 07:55 PM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 440
Loc: USA
Wow, Sharky...good question. No, I don't know but I do know each time I get up, I move forward. I think we all do, or can if we want to. smile
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#434599 - 05/13/13 09:22 PM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
Thank you gentlemen.

I'm glad you both understand ... and then again, for your sakes ... I wish you didn't.

My question was posed as a result of yet another sleepless night,
laying in bed staring at inane caricatures of life on TV ... full of colour and sound ...
vastly better than closing my eyes and watching my own old reruns ... in silent black and white.
Noon had come and gone and all that kept me from staying where I was ... was the risk of wetting the bed.
Had I lost that battle it would not, I assure you, have been the first time.

Once I lay there, in the night, unable to get up for fear of what might lay there ... hidden in the dark,
and now I often lay there afraid to get up ...
fearful of what may lay there in the brightness of the day ... yet still hidden.

On my way back to where I'd been I stopped to seek solace in the safety of MS ... and found no one here.
Out of frustration ... and more than a pinch of self pity ... I left that question in hopes of an answer ...
knowing full well there would be none ... there could be none ... there should be one.

ThisMan ...
So you know about reinventing, we both do ... it's been a shared experience ...
I've been to the wall my friend ... and I'm so sorry that you find yourself there once more.
I suspect that like myself you've spent as much time as I have ... with your back to it.
Which is better TM ? ...
Seeing it coming ... or not.

V-V ...
Yes ... gone is gone.
It's a lesson we, as CSA's, should all have learned years ago ... yet how impossible that is ...
when we live it every day.

And safe ? ... it doesn't exist.

Perhaps the question should have been ...

How many times must we live again ... before we're finally, truly ...
Gone ... and safe ?

The advantage to this second question should be obvious.

When we finally find out the answer ... we won't give a rat's petootie anymore.

:P
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#434600 - 05/13/13 09:23 PM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
"It's not the dieing that I mind so much ... I know I can live dead.

It's the fucking resurrections that are killing me."

Well said, my friend. Well said. I too, know I can live dead. And I have tried alone. It's just this damn resurrection thing that wears us out, because we don't want to stay dead in the place where we last dropped. It wouldn't be such a struggle if we would just accept our lot in life. But I want different also. I want a resurrection.

Skyshark... you did well with this post. Thanks guy.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#441828 - 07/22/13 11:21 PM Re: I need to know [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
Update ...

The gift I took recently remains ...
intact
but I'm no fool
like Lazarus I rose from a grave
but this is fact
no mirrors or smoke
eventually
he did croak
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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