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#434362 - 05/11/13 01:15 PM Gay, CSA and American Graffiti
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
So I just responded to Lancer in his post Freaking Out Over Dirty Old Men and it hit me just what a rough and lonely road it is dealing with either CSA or being gay, much less both. A few days ago, an old movie called American Graffiti was on. It was one night in the life of teens coming of age, set to a sound track of the era that wended through the entire movie without stopping. None of them dealt with CSA. None of them dealt with any characters having crushes on members of the same sex. It ran like a perfect utopia of healthy teens exploring sexuality like it was the great adventure of youth. Even the secrets they had were fun. Then I typed my response to Lancer and I realized just how much different things were with me - and I suspect with most of you who are reading this. I had crushes on girls but couldn't touch them because I was being touched and molested and it totally screwed up my mind (I could never do to a girl what he was doing to me - that would make me HIM). Sex to me was a deep, shame-drenched secret to a soundtrack of whispers, not a night cruising chicks to the sounds of Top 40.

We've had a tough time, haven't we? It's tough to mourn something you've never had, but I am anyways. It's not self-pity - I'm OK and happy at this point in my life. But I guess it's just hitting me how so many of us dealt with these intensities as ill-equipped kids with no one to share them with, alone, and with little, if any, guidance or help. It's rather amazing, isn't it?
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#434384 - 05/11/13 06:09 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hi Eric, that was a good post. I know what you mean. I remember in my late 20's I was at a christian men's fellowship meeting. I said pretty much what you seem to be describing, except somewhat resentfully. All the other guys (as in American Graffiti) are free to explore relationships and sexualtiy but not me, a gay. The pastor was a real cool joe. He paused and said very firmly, "Well they're not allowed to either!" I was blown away. His response impressed me deeply.

After I joined sexaholics anonymous, I don't think too much about what I've never had - compared to straight men. A healthy development ended the day I was incested by my dad and sold to a child porn ring. I had that and it was stolen from me.

These days I am beginning to think that I have the same possibility as everyone else for love and happiness. After listening to so many straight men's stories, I am beginning to realize that despite what I see on the outside, I am much like them on the inside. That movies like American Graffiti project a false and distorted view of what it means to be in relationship with others.

I remember being in a different type of sexual recovery group in the 90's. One of the gals there said that they used to stand in line to get into the disco clubs (and spend nights drinking, drugging and sex.) Now she said those are the same people who stand in line to get into the recovery rooms.

They should do a sequil to American Graffiti called American Recovery.

You are right about any kid who experiences same sex attraction today. The kid is caught between a rock and a hard spot. Who today has the wisdom to guide such a child?

Mac

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#434419 - 05/11/13 10:51 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: David Mac]
Chase Eric Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
Quote:
They should do a sequil to American Graffiti called American Recovery.

That's funny (in a dark sort of way). I must admit as much as I went on about how the movie epitomized the ideal I never had, I thoroughly enjoyed it. By the end of the movie, I was feeling nostalgic over an experience I never really had, as if I lived the experience with the characters myself. That speaks volumes of how affecting the movie was.
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#434506 - 05/12/13 03:43 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
O man. I am going to type this and hope that not too many people read it.

I often identify with characters in movies and books as you did watching American Graffiti. Back in the early 80's I read Gone With The Wind. Ok now here it comes - I cried my eyes out saying I would have loved you Rhet! Believe it. Yea, it was a long time ago, thank God.

I am a Jane Austin fan not only having read all her works, but enjoying most film adaptations. My favorite is the British production of Pride and Prejudice. I have seen it a thousand times each time wishing -now here it comes again - I was with Mr. Darcy. (The part was played by Colin Firth which only fueled the fantasy.)

Well one day I realized that this was not healthy for me. So as a general rule, I cut out all tv and movies. I am also careful about what books I read. I enjoy being caught up in a good book, but I don't want it to cause any moments of emotional confusion. Life offers enough problems; I don't need to invent more.

Mac

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#434575 - 05/13/13 04:00 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:06 PM)

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#434584 - 05/13/13 07:30 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Geoff,
That's funny.

My point being that in my experience I fon't think it is healthy to identify in this way with fantasy, the unreal. It seems to me to only increase emotional sufferings needlessly. Emotional sufferings are the last thing a "young impressionable molested gay boy" needs. He has been through enough already. Why add fuel to the fire? It causes painful regret for something that does not exist except in someones creative immagination - longing to be a character in a movie or a book.

Now what are your thoughts on that?

Mac

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#434587 - 05/13/13 08:03 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:07 PM)

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#434787 - 05/15/13 10:10 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
S....None of them dealt with CSA. None of them dealt with any characters having crushes on members of the same sex. It ran like a perfect utopia .......

We've had a tough time, haven't we? It's tough to mourn something you've never had, but I am anyways. It's not self-pity - I'm OK and happy at this point in my life. But I guess it's just hitting me how so many of us dealt with these intensities as ill-equipped kids with no one to share them with, alone, and with little, if any, guidance or help. It's rather amazing, isn't it?


Hey Eric,

I never had a crush on any girl growing up, never needed them. I had my boyfriends, the same kind of kids as me -prostitutes. In a way as I look back it was as the happiest and cruelest time of my life. I never had a girlfriend but I married a girl. I don't regret that in the least but I do miss my boyfriends and the relationships we had. They were pure and honest no fluff.

There is nothing like the perfect utopia but there is close and the time I spent with my friends came pretty damn close to that. A war ended my utopia and we never saw each other again simply because our lives went different ways, I had changed.

Yes I guess we all had a tough time and like you I am happy, sort of, at this time in my life. But - I miss those friendships I had, I miss the true pure love I had for my friends. I spent the better part of seven years in the same apartment, on the same mattress on the floor in the corner of the room, in the village with him being pimped to the rich. I miss that, not the pimping but the love.

It was the pimping that brought both of us together. At that time I wanted to spend the rest of my life together. Ill equipped, maybe. No guidance, maybe. But we loved each other. and yes I survived, sort of, but the statistics would show that he didn't have a chance at surviving the life we once led. I miss him every day now. I miss lying together on that mattress reading Life or National Geographics to each other. No that's not self pity, I also mourn every day, for me those were beautiful memories in a very dark part of my life.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
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Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that what the past was could have been any different or better.
It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.

It will get better....

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#466103 - 06/01/14 09:48 PM Re: Gay, CSA and American Graffiti [Re: Chase Eric]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 690
Loc: Southeast USA
Eirik,

I just stumbled on this post and couldn't help but be reminded of that movie. It was supposed to have taken place in and around Merced, CA in 1962. That blows my mind since that was only 10 years before I was born…yet it feels so much older than that. It is the story of my parents…cruising around town in fast cars…minor scofflaws…

Although I've always liked the film, I too had trouble identifying with it. My parents loved it and thought it was spot-on for their high school experience. I never could identify with the central themes---that that's all those kids had to worry about.

Even though I was only 4 during the year the movie was set, I identified much more closely with "Dazed and Confused."' More specifically, I identified with the 13-14 year-old Mitch Kramer character who is severely hazed following pitching in a baseball game…a drunken party in the woods, awkward conversations with girls, and no clear answers. A great film all the same.

Will
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