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#434323 - 05/11/13 02:10 AM CSA is like an anchor.
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Utah
CSA is like an anchor, chained to our ankles by someone else. This anchor is this big black, heavy ugly thing, and at the age it was chained to us, we didn't know what it was. Some of us knew that it wasn't normal, that it was bad to have it bound to us. Some of us were tricked into believing that it was a cool thing, a sign of being a bigger kid, but we have to hide it, because we weren't supposed to receive it yet, and that we should feel lucky for having it. This anchor's weight hasn't changed, it is still just as heavy as the day it was attached to us. We can work out our muscles, do exercises to make it seem as though the anchor isn't there, but its big black presence will always be in the background, will always be felt, and some days, will feel heavier than ever.

Life is an ocean which all of us are in, and the anchor is pulling us below the water's surface. We all have these moments where we are above the water's surface, but who knows for how long? It feels like we have to exert more strength to keep our heads above from drowning, but the more we do that, the heavier and heavier the anchor gets, and we succumb to it, and start to drown. For some of us, we go under water for a brief moment, quick to return to the surface gulping for air. Some of us sink so far that it takes awhile to reach the surface, feeling more damaged than before. For the most unfortunate, they sink so far in the ocean, that they reach the abyss, where the sunlight above the surface becomes farther, and farther away, until it can't be seen no longer, and their environment becomes dark, all because of this anchor.

People may know about our anchors, but they just see the anchor and how ugly it is. However, no one can truly know or feel the scars on our bodies that are hidden behind the anchor, the scars and damage the anchor has done to us for all the years it has been attached. It doesn't matter how many times or for how long we have been abused, it just takes one time to attach that anchor.

In dealing with the anchor, some people just let themselves sink, feeling that fighting to stay above the surface isn't worth it, so they willingly drown to the abyss where they become no more. Others lash out, hurting themselves in destructive behaviors because of the anchor, blaming themselves for allowing themselves to let someone attach this to them.

However, there is a shore somewhere in the ocean. Recovery is that journey to the shore. We all recognize this anchor we have on, and we all recognize that there is a shore out there. When one of us starts to drown, because the anchor becomes so heavy, the rest of us dive down to pull that person up to the surface, even if that might cause us to sink as well. Though the exercises will never make the anchor go away, it will strengthen our bodies to be able to stay above the water for longer periods of time, until we can reach that shore. Not everyone will reach it at the same time, some, may never find the shore. But once on that shore, we can take a break from the CSA. It can't drown us anymore, it can't pull us under the surface, it cannot steal the light from us.

CSA is like an anchor, holding us back, drowning us, scarring our bodies. But there is a shore, offering rest, and making that anchor easier to deal with.

Don't give up hope, find that shore. Don't allow yourself to drown so far that light disappears. Don't allow others around you to drown that far either. Don't allow the anchor to prevent you from finding that shore. You were owed a safe and easy trip to that shore, to a happy life. The shore isn't gone, don't feel like it is because of the anchor making it harder to find.

-Brian

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#434364 - 05/11/13 02:22 PM Re: CSA is like an anchor. [Re: si]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 856
Loc: Kc,Mo
That was an Incredible read
Brother I think you covered us All in one way or another that all of us can identify with. Great job of expressing yourself and I look Forward to reading more of your work . You are a writer you do know that right. It is a gift and needs to be shared as much as possible . People can agree or disagree with it but for those it effects in a positive way this is what the gift is for . To uplift to help people and at the same time helping yourself. The the things that are revealed to writers i believe are from The Spirit of God and when shared it helps the writer and the reader come to new understandings about themselves and the world and people around them . Wisdom from on high so to speak . Keep writing whats on and in your heart the good the bad and the ugly.


Peace and Blessings to you and may you continue to use your Gift


Edited by nltsaved (05/11/13 04:13 PM)
Edit Reason: corrected words -i wrote this from my phone
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#434367 - 05/11/13 02:51 PM Re: CSA is like an anchor. [Re: si]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3524
Loc: O Kanada
every ship needs an anchor, or it will drift at the mercy of the tides and winds.
without an anchor, a ship will hit the rocks in a storm.
without a ship, an anchor is a dead weight.
first i had to cut the old anchor loose.
then i had to learn how to swim.
once i made it to shore, i was trapped on a deserted island.
i had to build my own boat.
i chose a different anchor than the one that was given to me.
and i set sail, once again.
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#434372 - 05/11/13 03:56 PM Re: CSA is like an anchor. [Re: si]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Wow reading this topic after cant remembers topic on dreams, it suddenly hits me.. i had a dream one day when i took some dream herbs (right before i found out about the abuse and its effects) and something was pulling me down.. this makes a lot of sense, thnx si!
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#434385 - 05/11/13 06:17 PM Re: CSA is like an anchor. [Re: si]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
Si,

Great job writing this. This is such an accurate description of what it's like to live with CSA in our pasts. And the fact that there is hope makes life worth living.

DavO

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#434418 - 05/11/13 10:40 PM Re: CSA is like an anchor. [Re: si]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1781
It is so true but sometimes the choice is not the survivors but their own genetic and mental being as well as the extent of the abuse. But hopefully all find the shore and the anchor does not take us from the world and the life we should have lived. Thank you-it is truly inspirational.

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