I'm not even sure where to start. Every time I try...I try and convince myself that I don't need or shouldn't be here.
Sure or not, you've made a good start just by posting about where you are with all this. In time you will sort it all out. I won't express any opinion about whether or not you have CSA in your past, but the feelings you express certainly sound painful and you have all our support with them.
A lot of men deal with the sex=love equation. Drives the women in our lives crazy. But for CSA survivors, it often becomes a compulsion.
So read, learn, and keep moving forward with therapy. You're life CAN
get better. Just don't turn back.
"And God only knows
God makes his plan
The information's unavailable to the mortal man
We're workin' our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe were gliding down the highway
When if fact we're slip slidin' away"Paul Simon