I'm not even sure where to start. Every time I try...I try and convince myself that I don't need or shouldn't be here.
Sure or not, you've made a good start just by posting about where you are with all this. In time you will sort it all out. I won't express any opinion about whether or not you have CSA in your past, but the feelings you express certainly sound painful and you have all our support with them.
A lot of men deal with the sex=love equation. Drives the women in our lives crazy. But for CSA survivors, it often becomes a compulsion.
So read, learn, and keep moving forward with therapy. You're life CAN
get better. Just don't turn back.
"Stand, in the end you'll still be you,
One that's done all the things you set out to do.
Stand, there's a cross for you to bear,
Things to go through if you're going anywhere."Sly & the Family Stone