I'm not even sure where to start. Every time I try...I try and convince myself that I don't need or shouldn't be here.
Sure or not, you've made a good start just by posting about where you are with all this. In time you will sort it all out. I won't express any opinion about whether or not you have CSA in your past, but the feelings you express certainly sound painful and you have all our support with them.
A lot of men deal with the sex=love equation. Drives the women in our lives crazy. But for CSA survivors, it often becomes a compulsion.
So read, learn, and keep moving forward with therapy. You're life CAN
get better. Just don't turn back.
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."Pink Floyd