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#434163 - 05/09/13 06:03 PM (Cyber-)reality
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
This is a really blurry topic thatís been on my mind lately, and Iím not exactly sure what my points are or what Iím really trying to get out of this, but hear me out.

I guess Iíll start off with this: lately, Iíve been having a desire to actually meet some of the guys Iíve talked to on here. Thereís just something lacking in my Ďrealí life Ė I have great friends who I hang out with and have fun with for sure, but they cannot and probably will never be able to connect with me regarding CSA (and on so many different things, for that matter). I donít know why, some part of me just wants to make it Ďrealí. And at the same time, Iím still afraid (I havenít even given out my name yet, but I think largely out of practical reasons as my name isnít that common). What if I get approached by some nutcase who pretends to be a survivor and wants to take advantage? Can I take another blow like that?

In fact, Iíve been approached by some of you to meet. Iím thrilled and reluctant at the same time. Iím glad to say though the ones who have approached me are guys I trust, and a part of me would be more than happy to meet. I think the stuff Iím feeling now is akin to what a kid would feel when heís about to jump in a swimming pool never having swam before. Just needs a gentle push I guessÖpreferably on the shallow end of the pool to begin withÖthen perhaps gradually progress deeper. Iíve been on the other end of the spectrum too Ė asking to meet up with some, and being (understandably) rejected for the most part. Honestly Iím sorry that I freaked you out but I donít know what to say, I really meant no harm by it, and in a way I thought it could work out well. AnywayÖfor the time being, I am just wondering if anyone else has had this urge/problem.

I just want to make clear two points here Ė first, I understand that it is stated in the Board Rules that one is advised not to give out their names, personal information and photos on here. I respect this, and I am not asking anyone to do this Ė I am simply stating a feeling and trying to get some feedback about it. And second, to the best of my conscious knowledge, I can deny that this is coming out of an urge for some sort of homosexual relationship.

Iíve had some deep conversations with some of you, but I donít know what you look like. Isnít that absurd? You can get so close to someone without knowing what they look like, let alone their names? Some electronic entity actually knows you better than the friends you hang out with. I understand some of you have actually met, on a WoR or so on. I also understand that some of you have actually tried this out, only to find out that youíve gotten close to an actual perpetrator and to be painfully betrayed. So I am largely speaking for myself here, and I will probably proceed with caution myself if approached, especially if I havenít really spoken to you.

Itís a strange, strange emotional situation I find myself in. I guess Iím looking for a deeper connection now than what the cyber-reality offers. And Iím not saying the stuff Iíve experienced on MS hasnít been helpful Ė on the contrary, I think itís what kept me going this past month traveling alone. The odd post, the odd chat, here and there. But even then, I had some kind of longing. I wanted to reach out, and create what might amount to a normal, real friendship as much as possible Ė talking face to face, or writing hand-written letters, or even talking over the phone and whatnotÖWITH mutual knowledge/understanding of the CSA. On the other hand though, at the same time, Iím afraid Iíd run into a big mess, placing overly high expectations on what might come out of the venture Ė itís so clichť and I do feel embarrassed saying this, but it really might be that ďthe grass is greener on the other side.Ē But some days I find myself staring at the forums, clicking and clicking, or just sitting idly in my chair waiting for a conversation to spark up in the chatroom. I think Iím addicted to MS. And then once in a while SNAP! I kind of get back to reality, away from the zoning (in or out?), and I realize, ďWow, I live in a computer. I actually, actually live in a computer.Ē
_________________________
Husky

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#434165 - 05/09/13 06:20 PM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Husky, I completely understand where you're coming from. The reluctance to give out your name, protecting yourself. And the desire to have fellowship with this community of men who share the same experience as you do.

I too get addicted to MS. Mostly because this is the only place I feel understood. I don't have to pretend here. I sought this site out when I was low and just beginning my emotional recovery. It was difficult, but the men on this site helped a TON, including you.

I hadn't thought about wanting to meet anyone, but I do now. There are a few guys I'd like to meet here. I think this is a place we all belong and we feel that way. I know I do.

Yeah, I think it'd be kind of cathartic.

I would submit that this is your real life. You are sharing the deepest parts of your real self with us here. There isn't two different huskies, just the one of you. You get deep with us here because you can. Because you're safe here. But it's the same you that brushes his teeth, eats his meals, the same you.

Hope you have a nice evening
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#434206 - 05/10/13 04:05 AM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Husky, this is great topic. Wanting to break isolation to feel connected with others is ultimate goal for me. I came to Male Survivor because I felt so lonely and like stuck isolated from outside world while I was intensively traveling because of my work.
Also while I was spending more and more time here I also felt need to get connected to some of guys. In real life I don't have many male friends and to be honest I've grown with sort of hunger for my father's love. He is very good man but was always a little bit distant.
So when I started to talk with many guys here, I found many similarities and it wasn't long before I started to think about next steps.
So my experience was like this: after I talked and talked with couple of guys we moved from site in search for some privacy as here in chat it could be sometimes very crowded.
With one or two it didn't last for long because of many reasons, we all were in search fro friends and it was dynamic and short meeting let say.
With some I'm still in touch on daily basis and true friendship has developed, we are exchanging e-mails or meet regularly in chat. And with couple of guys I would love to meet one day in real life.
There were also not so positive experiences too. It was nothing scary or something unusual I would say. It is just that couple of times I was caught talking about past, intimacy and abusive experience and suddenly talk would get into "wrong" direction related to sexuality. Sometimes such stories are triggering and it is completely expected that we could felt vulnerable and challenged at same time, especially if we have some confusion left from abuse. So it was better that there was some distance and safe environment in those cases.
Anyway this cyber space I see as just one additional tool that hasn't to be our ultimate goal in reaching for others.
In any case there is no need to push for anything, actually I would rather advice on being patient as internet is such medium that speeds up all in my view so it is good to step on some break regarding talks with other people. There is some time needed to get to know other person and for relationship to settle and to learn about safe borders.
There is nothing wrong in trying to find friends who could be available by phone, sms, trough letters or whatsoever. It is not something unthinkable!

Pero
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My story

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#434208 - 05/10/13 05:09 AM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Too bad you're in Europe. I've always wanted to meet CSA survivors in real life. There are a few here in AZ. But I'm too chickenshit to ever meet anyone in real life. It's that ever-present desire to hide myself under a rock that's the problem. I hate myself. I truly deeply hate myself. And, to top it off, I'm not sure if I'm even a real CSA survivor (amnesia?). So, it's a repeat of all of gradeschool. Always the odd man out. But I get where you're coming from.

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#434250 - 05/10/13 07:26 AM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
goto a weekend of recovery. Mike lew goes to Europe every year.

best way to safely meet survivors with bondries.

I personally feel that real life interaction is one of the keys to recovery. I've met and have several life long friends that I met here. even though were across the country and Canada we meet yearly for our own type of retreat.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#434252 - 05/10/13 07:41 AM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: Castle]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Hey Husky.
I understand were you are coming from completely!
I would say that I would echo what Castle said about a WoR.I attended one here in Canada last Winter with some 20 other survivors.It was the first time I met face to face with another CSA survivor that I know of.It is a safe place to share openly in a non judgemental environment there among your brothers in recovery.You come away having bonded with them and the validation I received was truely awesome.Might be just what you are looking for.

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#434253 - 05/10/13 08:33 AM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: Castle]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Hey, you guys, when is the next WoR coming to the southwest of the U.S.?

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#434262 - 05/10/13 11:44 AM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:03 PM)

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#434275 - 05/10/13 03:28 PM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Thanks for the feedback guys. I think I'm going to make it one of my goals to make it to one of the WoR some time this or next year - it does seem pretty amazing and it's probably the kind of thing I'm looking for, contact with survivors with boundaries under safe circumstances. I only wish there were more opportunities in Europe, but a trip to the States for a WoR doesn't sound too bad of an idea either. Time to save up again, I guess. I'm going to be pondering this for a while now.
_________________________
Husky

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#434281 - 05/10/13 04:20 PM Re: (Cyber-)reality [Re: concerned_husky]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
MS WOR and Mike lew weekends are different events.

They are a bit different in theory too.

Mike goes to Europe, Asia and Australia. http://www.nextstepcounseling.org/upcomingevents2.htm for his schedule.

Either event will bring you in direct contact with survivors and has a tendency to have a big impact on changing and connecting with men.

Both events have scholarships available.



Edited by Castle (05/10/13 07:31 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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