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#434197 - 05/10/13 01:17 AM Not sure how to digest his response
BrighterDays Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 6
Loc: CA
After three weeks of digesting the information, posts and amazing support offered on the MS site, I finally had the courage this evening to ask my spouse of 8 years to consider taking a look at how the abuse he went through at an early age affects our relationship. He had mentioned the abuse when we were going through some rough patches while dating early on, about 15 years ago, but he didn't bring it up again after that night after we almost broke up.
Throughout our 18 year history, I've dealt with many of his undesirable behaviors, from excessive porn, to surfing CL for female attention, to actually hooking up with some random chick at a dive bar. I always thought there was something wrong with me - I could get a better job; I have thyroid issues which sometimes can cause periods of high and low energy - he likes to blame the way I feel on biological/neurological reasons, but what he doesn't realize is that I've developed my own coping mechanisms for putting up with his!
Anyways, I went over what I was going to say a dozen times, and finally just let him know that I think this is something he needs to explore. After trying to explain why I thought it would be beneficial in the most honest way but with much caution, his reply was that "who's to say this isn't who I am regardless of whether I went through that or not? I think we need to look at other things in the relationship first - it almost seems at using the abuse excuse is a scapegoat". He went on to mention he's sought out therapy before and they've helped him with his process and he's moved on. What he doesn't realize is that there is no intimacy present, I have no desire to be with him sexually because he turns everything into a situation of where I feel he becomes the abuser demanding all of his activities to mirror those of that he watches in all his oral/anal porn. For so long I blamed his distancing himself and lack of intimacy on something I was bringing into the relationship, come to find out after all these years I have been beating myself without reason. He seems to think everything is okay- he doesn't see how unhappy be sues things are status quo for him. Previously I would've felt bad for saying this, but with all of the work I have put into myself to grow as a person, I deserve so much more.
I'm tired of him running ahead of me when we're in public racing to catch up with him as he sees me struggling with the kids. I'm tired of him wanting his sexual deviance a played out by me and then pouts when he doesn't get his way. I'm sick of listening to the verbal adults the night before my birthday because I didn't to give in to anal sex. I hate how he forces things upon me and he doesn't understand I don't want to take part in any of those things with him NOT b/c I'm a prude, but because he's turned into my attacker. How am I supposed to let the person in who's shut me out all along? I've stayed this long, but now that I am coming to terms with this, I don't know how much longer I can stay. I'm afraid he's going to continue thinking he's put this behind him....I'm at such a loss right now. I don't want to hang out with him, I'd rather take the kids and go out without him. If he's there it's just a reminder of what I'm missing - it's physically painful to watch a couple embrace or be lost in their own little world. I want that so much but I'm tired of begging and understand that that's not what I need to do to get the affection and intimacy I need and deserve.....at what point do you know when it's time to try something else is the CSA victim isn't willing to to a T?

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#434200 - 05/10/13 02:44 AM Re: Not sure how to digest his response [Re: BrighterDays]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1563
Loc: New England
Brighter,

You pain comes through loud and clear. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your husband's behaviors, difficulty with intimacy, and his reluctance to seek help sound pretty typical to these ears. In my case, it took me 42 years, 33 in my marraige, before I was ready/willing to really face it all and begin working toward recovery. Somehow my wife stuck with me, but I did much damage to her in the process. She would have been better off leaving me long ago, but we are now making progress as I'm in weekly therapy, attend AA meetings, and we go to weekly marraige counseling.

My only suggestions are to set clear boundries as to what is acceptable behavior on his part, and tell him clearly and directly that you are not happy in the marraige and want some changes. It sounds like he is totally ignorant of boundries. He needs to see that everything isn't "fine", and that you are reaching your limit. You'll have to decide what your limits are, and stick to them.

If he won't go to therapy and/or marraige counseling, then see a therapist yourself. At least get some support for yourself as you come to what may be a life-changing decision. Don't try to go through this alone.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#434374 - 05/11/13 04:22 PM Re: Not sure how to digest his response [Re: BrighterDays]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 708
Loc: NJ
I am proud of you.

You can finally see clearly.

You can see the behaviors. You can see that you didn't cause them. You are well on your way.

Jude is right, if he won't go, YOU GO. If he won't work on things, YOU CAN. If he won't see clearly, YOU WILL.

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#434521 - 05/12/13 08:18 PM Re: Not sure how to digest his response [Re: BrighterDays]
BrighterDays Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 6
Loc: CA
So difficult having him spin everything so it points the finger back at my faults. He wears me out. He claims that me not wanting to have his kind of sexual intimacy causes him to not be able to give me the closeness I'm desiring. Trust me, the desire is still there but unfortunately it doesn't come from his actions. Years ago, I had cheated on him after 1 year of dating due to the same lack of intimacy (although the sex was still great). I don't think I'd do it now, but I so miss having the connection that allows the neurons in my brain to get fired up and be sexually interested in someone.....and he thinks I'm just asking too much. Believe me, I don't ask a lot ( as I'm not used to much in that department, and I realize that I haven't recieved in awhile, so therefore I don't ask for any intimacy, really). I'm bored sexually, and mentally exhausted.

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