Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
2 registered (RebeccaW, 1 invisible), 24 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63792 Topics
445485 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#433991 - 05/08/13 03:56 AM Help
Mountain time Offline


Registered: 04/27/13
Posts: 2
Hi. I have been checking out this site a lot lately. For the last 20 years I have been hiding some things from myself and everyone else in my life. From the ages of 7-12 I was sexually abused by my 2 older cousins. One more than the other but some times both. I don't ever remember actually haveing sex but there were a lot of other things that I was forced to do. I know this doesn't mount up what so many of the guys on this site have had to deal with and I don't know if what happened with me was even abuse or just my cousins figuring things out for themselves . But lately I have been a fucking mess. I have been with the same woman for ten years and last year with our marriage falling apart I told her about my past and broke down. I have talked to a therapist a couple times now about it every time I have gone to talk about it I end up thinking about it more and more to the point where it consumes me. Now not just is my marriage a mess so am I. I have spent the last few months depressed as hell and can't get the my head to focus on anything else.I have been drinking and smoking pot just so I can get my brain to stop thinking about what a fucked up person I am. I have been fighting about sex with my wife forever and could never tell her or myself that it might have something to do with my past. But since I have told her about I have been so out of my mind with this and my marriage I have been doing nothing but hurting myself and her. A few months ago in a drunken and depressed state a got a prostitutOe to see if sex was really that messed up. I had never cheated on my wife before this and I couldn't lie to anymore. She says she is trying to get her head around it and understands that I am trying to deal with some things. But I don't even know why I did it. I hate myself for it and I can't understand why she puts up with my shit when I lied to her for so long. I love my wife with every bit of my heart but I don't feel like I deserve to be here anymore and I just want to take off and put everything Back into hiding and stop thinking about it. C

Top
#434014 - 05/08/13 09:08 AM Re: Help [Re: Mountain time]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2017
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mountain time.

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you and that it has had such bad effects on your life.

Ms is however pretty much the best place to start dealing with such things and their effects, and it shows a distinct sence of courage and wisdom on your part that you've come hear.

i think a lot of guys hear, ---- including myself, pretty much say "what happened to me wasn't as bad as what happened to other people, so it can't be abuse" it's a way of trying to draw the poison of that particular snake and make it seem more harmless. The problem is, as shown by the effects such things have that isn't true.

Myself, I'd convinced myself I was "fine" that what happened to me as a teenager wasn't abuse, that it was over and done with. Yet, I got a rude awakening to this fact in 2007, and later realized that actually even before I'd hit that particular wall, I hadn't been so "fine" as I thought I was.

One thing I will say is that given gender sterriotypes tell us that men can't be victims of abuse and women can't be perpetrators, it's really difficult to admit when a person has been abused by girls. it's also not necessary for abuse to be ful s/x either, any sort of bad touch on instance of one person ganing s/xual gratification at the expense of another, especially when malicious or directly harmful intent is involved, is abuse, indeed my own history of abuse never involved full s/x in the traditional sense, but I've come to regard it as pretty much as close to gang rape as several teenaged girls can do to a boy, and I do now recognize just how serious the effects of what happened have been to my life.

one exercise that helped me was reversing the genders. Imagine that two older boys had "experimented" with a 7-12 year old girl, ---- how would that have been? would that have been abuse?

the Good news however is that there is! a way forward, and by confronting this and persisting through all the hurt, recognizing what effects it's had, talking to others and learning to accept and process it things do! get better.

So, welcome to Ms, and I really hope you find it as much help in dealing with your past as I have myself.

it's good to see you hear, but I'm sorry you have to be in the first place.

Luke.

Top
#434175 - 05/09/13 09:11 PM Re: Help [Re: Mountain time]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
so good that you have found this place man. you are not alone. it is so common for the guys to look at themselves in such a bad light. I know that I always felt that because I didn't want to do stuff with the girls, because I didn't find it exciting or whatever I just found it terrifying and it made me feel like there was something wrong with ME but it is not true and not for you either man. it is ok that you feel strongly about these things it was NOT your fault. and you can heal it will just take time man. I know that is small comfort but it is hope. just hold on to that
heal well
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#434176 - 05/09/13 09:24 PM Re: Help [Re: Mountain time]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Mountain time
From the ages of 7-12 I was sexually abused by my 2 older cousins. One more than the other but some times both. I don't ever remember actually haveing sex but there were a lot of other things that I was forced to do. I know this doesn't mount up what so many of the guys on this site have had to deal with and I don't know if what happened with me was even abuse or just my cousins figuring things out for themselves .


Hi MT. Welcome to MS.

First I have to say that your cousin's motives for what they did to you are not important. No matter "why" they did it, it's still abuse and their reasons for taking advantage of you don't affect the severity of the abuse one bit.

Also, remember to take gender out of the picture. The gender of your abuser doesn't make it not abuse or lessen the damage done either. Like Luke said, if you imagine the gender roles being reversed, what would your incidents of abuse seem like then? Would anybody out there say that it was not abuse if two older boys had taken advantage of their 7-12 year old female cousin? I think we all know that the answer to that is pretty much a resounding "no." What happened to you is NO DIFFERENT!

I know that last one is hard. It's not easy to deprogram the double-standards on this issue that have been subconsciously and covertly pounded into our heads our whole lives. I still struggle with this issue myself but my participation here at MS has helped me with it a lot.

Ignorance on this issue is still everywhere though. I know it's hard, but try not to let it bother you if and when you run into it. If you choose to open up to people in real life, there is still always the chance that you'll hear people say things like, "that's not so bad" or "I wish that had happened to me" or "you got lucky." If you ever hear any of those things from anybody, it will hurt, but try to let it go in one ear and out the other. Try to let it roll off you and understand that you are talking to a very ignorant person. The words coming out of their mouths hold no more value than a fart coming out of their ass. I'm sorry if that's crude but that's the best way for me to describe my feelings about it. When people say things like that, what you are hearing is nothing but metal and verbal flatulence and it holds no more value and is no more pleasant than the other kind. Period!!!

The fact of the matter is, you, as a survivor of female abuse, have just as much a right to call yourself a survivor as anyone else does. Your pain is valid and the damage that was done to you is real and is also valid. Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue to participate here. Take care. Peace,

Ken

Top
#434424 - 05/11/13 11:44 PM Re: Help [Re: Mountain time]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 355
Loc: NY
Welcome, Mountain Time.

Sorry to hear about what is going on. Unfortunately, given what happened when you were young, all of what you described is a normal response to what was pretty horrible, even if it was years ago.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
Hi. For the last 20 years I have been hiding some things from myself and everyone else in my life.


Three years ago, I finally "woke up". What I thought I had been hiding from was always there, but I couldn't put it all together, find the words and get the proper help for so many years.

Ten years ago, I met the mother of my kids. I believe that when I set out to make a real life for myself, I also put myself on the path that would eventually lead me face to face with what I was hiding from. It's painful to embrace the reality of having held it all in for so long, but that is a way we humans have of dealing with something. I hope that you can now find the strength to do that. It sounds like you are with someone who cares about you.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
I have talked to a therapist a couple times now about it every time I have gone to talk about it I end up thinking about it more and more to the point where it consumes me. Now not just is my marriage a mess so am I.


When I finally decided to keep my feet on the ground and face stuff, the rest of me started getting really dizzy. As hard as it has been, all of the past times when I had developed tendencies to space out or get fuzzy now started to make sense. If you can start to talk to someone about it, you will begin to understand how these responses take the form that they do. As messy as you may be, the inner need to heal is what is creating it now, not the recurrence of what happened originally.

Getting started with a therapist can be hard. You may want to ask for some recommendations in your area. And don't be afraid to interview them at first, to see what feels right for you.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
I have been fighting about sex with my wife forever and could never tell her or myself that it might have something to do with my past.


I didn't realize how much I was doing this and now regret it. Now I am starting all over again and just trying to understand what trust really is.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
A few months ago in a drunken and depressed state a got a prostitutOe to see if sex was really that messed up.


Yup. Did that. Did a lot of it, just to find something out about sex. In the end it didn't teach me as much as I thought it would, but I understand why I did it.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
I just want to take off and put everything Back into hiding and stop thinking about it.


We are here to listen, even when you want to hide it.

I hope you can get a lot from what others say hear as well. Learning about how this has affected us is the first step to finding the hope to make a better life.

Focused Body
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.