Taking Care of Myself
I journaled this about a week ago and I keep coming back to it. "What are the things I need to do to take care of myself?" T.Com I think it's a great acronym for our digital age.
As a six year old boy, I subconsciously cried out. I wanted someone to save me, protect me, tell me I was a good boy for the things I'd already done and not insinuate that I needed to try harder. I wanted loving supportive family relationships, a world in which I could play and grow up in.
I didn't have that.
It sucks, but I never had those things. My daddy stopped being my daddy the moment he abused me. My mom lost her place recently, when she failed to give credence to the effects that the father-son incest has had on my life. I never had what I hoped for. I held out hope for a long time, too.
I was down in the dirt, depressed, DEPRESSED. The first thing I did to take care of myself, I started therapy. I wanted to end it all... so I tried therapy. The second thing? I threw away the filter and journaled 25 pages of my deepest thoughts about myself and the world around me... my T smiled, fist-bumped me, and said good job, those are feelings.
As I've done all that... I now realize that the only person who's going to pick me out of the dirt is myself. I'm the only person who's going to do that. No one else will. I have to want to get up, and I do, I SO do. I am tired of living in this hell and I now I learn I don't have to.
So I'll pick up one foot then the next. I'll put one foot in front of the other... that's all I can do for now. What do I need to do to take care of myself? I run. I try and eat healthy (keyword TRY). I am practicing boundaries... work, personal, marriage. I am exploring my interest in photography (taking classes, new DSLR).
It's on no one else to pick me up but me. I grew up. My childhood lost. All I can do is reflect and mourn. It's gone. That doesn't mean my future has to be lost as well. It's all about taking care of myself. Allowing myself to feel, reaching out to you guys for help and advice, setting boundaries with people in my life (cutting out the abuser and now the unhealthy mother).
It's not been easy, but the results have been far better than the hell I was living in.
What are you guys doing to take care of yourselves?
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.