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#433975 - 05/07/13 11:39 PM Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger**
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hi,
I haven't been on the board for a long time, but I have been having some problems lately and needed to get some advice from other guys that may have had experience with dealing with CSA and child pornography.

I was pulled into child pornography by a coach, and was raped and abused on camera when I was 8-10 (this was over 20 years ago). I have only had flashes of memories from that time, and remember a large, hot light being shown on me during the filming/photography. I know that the main perp filmed himself and other men having sex with me. I still have a hard time processing that I was being raped by men as a child and no one knew. And that I never told.

I am starting to remember more than this now, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling paralyzed and scared and afraid to move. I really have to talk myself out of it and get myself to a calmer place to get out of that mode.

This has impacted me my whole life. Even as a grown man, I have problems being in front of people and being the center of attention. I can't change in front of anyone, not even my partner. I can't use the bathroom around other guys. I always feel like that spotlight is on me, and I get flushed and red and freeze, like a deer in the headlights.

I get so angry about this and sometimes just don't know what to do about it. I feel like there are people out there right now looking at it, looking at me at my most scared and vulnerable, and that there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I am still a victim because this could be happening right now as we speak.

From there, I start this cycle of reading about child pornography statistics, reading stories of missing or exploited kids (like Johnny Gosch), really immersing myself in what may be really unhealthy and triggering topics. Then, I feel so overwhelmed about all of the monsters out there that make this shit and do this stuff to kids. It is such a big and twisted web. And add to that other abused kids, kidnapped kids, church abuse, boy scout abuse. Where does it stop?

I feel like I want to do something about it. I want to find out the truth about my past, learn more about who my abuser was, if he was ever busted. I want to be part of taking these assholes down in some way. I want to press charges. I want to delete all my pictures and videos from all the blasted servers in the world.

I can't figure out what to do about that and where to start. I can't remember all the details. And I end up just feeling powerless and a victim all over again, despite all of the hard work and successes that I have made in my recovery.

I guess I am just needing to vent and wanting some feedback on what other guys who were abused using child pornography do to deal with these feelings and if you can recommend anything that helps get over these feelings/episodes?
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#433984 - 05/08/13 01:00 AM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey Toddop!

I too am a survivor of child sexual abuse which became pornography. Much of what you described is exactly what I am experiencing now. I often find that exposing myself to information on the topic can be quite empowering by helping me to understand what happened and make sense of it, yet it does not render me in control of what happened- as it lies in the past. It can also be quite triggering. Take care of yourself first and do not expose yourself to something that you may not be ready for.

Have you spoken with anyone about what you experienced and are currently going through?

I think the initial stage of acceptance of the magnitude of the abuse in your life, as well as its current ramifications and how so many others are abused are such strong and horrendous emotions. I know, because these feelings you described are exactly what I am going through at the moment. Paralysis is the right word for it. You feel absolutely lost- now what? For me, it removed my sense of permanent security, and my once calm (but subconsciously sheltered mind) is now a prisoner to anxiety attacks over feelings of isolation, abandonment, failure, guilt, and fear.

I have been dealing with my recovery now for 2 years this June. It is time to look back on the progress I have made and the steps I have been taking to help myself. I think you have just done a real brave thing and you have come to a good place to find other survivors of CSA and specifically other victims of child pornography.

Talking with others is one of the greatest ways to deal with these feelings. Get a hug. Find a way to ground yourself and feel safe again. Think of something you love about yourself and that your abusers never took away.

I am sure you know by now that you are not alone in your feelings, and what you're experiencing is being played out in the life of someone else.

I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to hearing more from you!!!

HUGS
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#434048 - 05/08/13 02:12 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hey JayBro,
Thanks so much for this. I can't tell you what it means to get this response. I was at a really low place last night and just kind of exploded onto the Discussion Board. I think I just needed some validation and support.

I think you hit it on the head when you talked about the "magnitude of the abuse." I have admitted that I was a survivor of CSA in my past work, but then thinking about the perp and the net of perps involved just really spun me out last night. I was struggling to let something out and not just be passive and let it go.

I'm sorry to hear you have a similar story and were also victimized by low-lives who prey on boys. But hearing another survivor talk about recovery is very helpful and does help me return to that everything is going to be alright place.

I too have made a lot of strides in my recovery over the past few years. I just hit a snag last night and tumbled a bit. But, I am picking up the pieces, doing my meditations, seeing my T today, and trying to get back on the bike.

Thanks again!!
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#434145 - 05/09/13 03:46 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
HUGS

You are absolutely welcome!! Thank you for also coming forward, it was and still is very moving for me to read your posts. We all need support and validation, and it is beyong words when we meet with other survivors and share experiences. In Janauary I met the first other CSA survivor, and she was recovering next to me after our surgeries in the hospital. I heard her talking to her nurse about the abuse she went through, and I was in tears listening because I had never heard another survivor speak.

I hit "snags" all the time. Well, it's like our recovery is a plane going through turbulence. There are such beautiful views, but being so high up in the air and traveling at speeds which may make us uncomfortable, it is never guaranteed to have such smooth times in a fragile environment. I look forward to hearing from you further!!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#434178 - 05/09/13 09:51 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
I don't really have any advice because I find this really hard to deal with. I'm going to start therapy soon and I can imagine other things getting better, but I can't imagine how I will ever feel any better about this. I HATE that the worst thing that ever happened to me is out there for anyone to see and that sick people are getting off while they watch it. And what you said about all this stuff happening to you and no one knew, that really bothers me too. I didn't tell anyone either, but I feel like it should have been obvious. Can't really talk about this right before I go to bed, but I'm sorry this happened to you.

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#434302 - 05/10/13 08:02 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
txb,
I hear you. I feel exactly the same thing. I was suddenly depressed, became a bed-wetter, and quit all of the things I was interested in. I do wonder how those were not red flags to my parents. They did take me to the Doctor for the bed-wetting, but were told it happens and that it should be okay.

I too get stuck on that feeling that perps are still seeing us at our worst moment and enjoying it. I think what overwhelms me is just the magnitude of the web of perps out there. I feel angry that I can't flick a switch to shut it off. I feel guilty that I let it happen. Finally, I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do. Just echoes of the effects of the abuse/exposure.

I have since talked to my T about this. Mostly, I do a lot of work around the things that I can control. And also have to let go of some of the intensity around these feelings. They are there, and always will be probably. But, I can minimize their impact on me, and explore ways to be active in helping to take these bastards down.

Of course, that is the real trick, huh? I still have intense waves of anger (obviously from my post above). And that is okay. I am dealing and being around others who understand is a key part of that.

Keep up the good fight, txb!
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#434394 - 05/11/13 07:58 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: O Kanada
my experiences did not include being photographed or filmed, so i do not know if i should comment.

that being said...
i just wanted to say i feel terrible reading your stories.
i feel terrible about what happened to you.
the filming and photography adds a whole deeper sinister level of ongoing abuse.
your words make that abundantly clear.
i am grateful i do not have to deal with this in my situation.
thank you for giving me some insight into this.

i wish there was more i could do or say to make your pain go away.

please excuse me if i have offended.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#434402 - 05/11/13 09:05 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
Thanks. And I probably shouldn't write off therapy helping with this until I've actually tried it. Feeling helpless, yeah. I was helpless to be able do anything about it back then and I still am now. It's good to be able to talk to people who do understand though. The only one person I have talked to about this in real life just tried to make me feel better by saying the internet was so huge and my pictures were probably lost in this vast space. I appreciate someone trying to make me feel better, but I know that's not the case.

I was taken to the doctor also, for stomach problems I had. They couldn't find anything wrong with me and just said it was caused by anxiety. Why did no one ask what was causing so much anxiety in a 10 year old kid? I feel let down by so many people, not just my family.

I guess the only thing to do is to keep on fighting and trying to move on. And technology will keep advancing, so maybe there will eventually be a way for all this to be wiped from the web, or for more people to be traced and punished.

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#434436 - 05/12/13 01:45 AM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: txb]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: O Kanada
dear toddop,
Originally Posted By: txb
I was taken to the doctor also, for stomach problems I had. They couldn't find anything wrong with me and just said it was caused by anxiety. Why did no one ask what was causing so much anxiety in a 10 year old kid? I feel let down by so many people, not just my family.


i, too, have had serious stomach/digestive problems since i can remember. diagnosis... anxiety and stress, leading to ulcers.
i also share your feelings of being let down by family and society in general.

all i can do is "keep on fighting and trying to move on."
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#434498 - 05/12/13 01:15 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Victor - thanks for your words and thoughts. I think the strength of the site is that men of varied experiences can come together and share their pain. We may not share the exact same stories, but we are all here for the same reason. Sometimes, it is just very powerful to hear another person say "I see your pain" and "I understand how awful that must be." Thanks so much for responding.

txb - Sorry to hear you too had the same kind of experience with the doctor as I did. I think as a boy, after experiencing abuse, I had a lot of fear around grown men and what they wanted. It would have been nice to have a doctor that was concerned enough to ask some questions, this one was just very curt and did not ask me anything. Not that I would have told him, or my parents at that point, but it would be nice to have in my memory a kindly doctor that I possibly could have told something to, rather than a cold, all-business situation I had.

I won't harp on this at all, because I don't know your situation and resources, but I will say therapy is really helpful. I fought it for a long time, but I am really glad I took the plunge. I can only go every three weeks because of my health insurance, but everytime I do go, I walk out feeling better and with a different perspective on one issue or another. And sometimes just the act of going and showing up, makes me feel like I have more control over my situation.

Yeah, I would love to see these perps get busted more. I love to read stories where whole rings of perps are busted. It makes me want to go back to school and learn more about computer science and be a part of that. But, then I would constantly be immersed in that world, and dealing with that huge web of perps on a daily basis at my job, plus the crap that is already in my head, so it would be even more intense. So, I'll just keep shaking my fist to the sky until I figure out what else to do.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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