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#433920 - 05/07/13 07:28 PM Did I make the right move?
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I have this circle of friends, and one of them, R, is super-rich cuz both his parents died and left him a fortune. He frequently takes us (this includes the chick who took my virginity) down to the bars and pays for all our drinks. So, he's generous. But he's like a spoiled little kid, though. He buys the drinks, so he gets to do/say whatever he wants with you.

So, in the first place, he's constantly telling me to shut up and stop talking, while I'm trying to make friendly conversation. He doesn't like intellectual topics, and that's really all I know how to talk about. I'm socially dysfunctional in some ways, I'll admit it. But I'll simply be explaining hydrogen bonding or something, and all night long it's just "Shut up, Bryan. You talk too much." I take it, cuz he's paying for the cab and the drinks and how could I "bite the hand that feeds me".

Well, this isn't the real problem. Whether I am certain my dad perped me or not, this still pisses me off: he has repeatedly made jokes about my dad raping me. Ironically, it's the same goddamn dynamic I've always had with my dad "Well, he pays for me, so I better do whatever he says/let him walk all over me". Last night was the last straw. I didn't unload on him then and there, cuz I wouldn't have had a ride home if I did.

Today I cut him off. I basically told him "me being myself around you annoys you- that's your fucking problem. I'm too old for this shit. I don't care how much money you've fucking blown on me, you've repeatedly made jokes in front of people about my dad raping me. That is beyond not cool, dude". And since he's made of money, and he can surround himself with whomever he wants, and I'm very much replaceable, he simply replied "Fine. Later."

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#433926 - 05/07/13 07:46 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
You made the right move.

You deserve to have friends who respect you for who you are. This rich guy sounds like a real ass.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#433932 - 05/07/13 08:37 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Fuck him! Just because he has money does not give him the right to be a total douche bag to you or to anyone else. You made the right move.

That said, if you don't mind my asking, have you told many people IRL your theory about what happened with your dad? Did you confide that in this guy or did he find out from someone else? Not that it matters how he knows, I'm just curious. Either way, anyone who would make a joke about another person being sexually abused as a child, especially right to that person's face, is a total fucking toolbag. Yeah, fuck that guy. Forget him. Peace,

Ken.

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#433934 - 05/07/13 08:46 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I forget if I told him, or if I told his friend, C (the girl I lost my virginity to). I slept with both of them, so naturally they ended up asking me why I froze up during sex and spaced out. I think I told her, and she told him. I really need to be more careful about who I tell that to. Some people on here have issues telling others. I seem to have a compulsion to tell people I barely know about it.

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#433936 - 05/07/13 08:58 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Well spotted LAD.

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#433937 - 05/07/13 09:05 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey, LAD-

regardless of whether you told the insecure, arrogant punk or not, he was WAY out in the field of social unacceptability with the rape remark, let alone it was in a public setting. Like, way out of line.......as Falcon says... FUCK HIM..... he wasn't even man enough to apologize.

...."me being myself around you annoys you- that's your fucking problem"... I want you on my team, guy!

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#433941 - 05/07/13 09:22 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 425
Loc: OH
Is this the same guy who was there the first time you lost your virginity? If it is he came off very badly in your post on that topic. Either way this post suggests to me he is not a friend. He sounds entitled, angry, seems to use money to place himself above or in control of others around him. Just take his final words to you: "Fine. Later." Right there you can tell he is dismissing you and your feelings entirely and could care less if you around anymore. Of course, this could all be a facade he uses to cover up his insecurities but this does not justify his behavior.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#433944 - 05/07/13 09:52 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Publius]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Publius
Is this the same guy who was there the first time you lost your virginity? If it is he came off very badly in your post on that topic. Either way this post suggests to me he is not a friend. He sounds entitled, angry, seems to use money to place himself above or in control of others around him. Just take his final words to you: "Fine. Later." Right there you can tell he is dismissing you and your feelings entirely and could care less if you around anymore. Of course, this could all be a facade he uses to cover up his insecurities but this does not justify his behavior.


Yes, he's the same guy. And DAMN you nailed it with what you said. Very perceptive

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#434011 - 05/08/13 08:37 AM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
You stood up for yourself and realized the situation perfectly!
I think you've made the right decision. You don't need to be dependent on someone who only rolls because of his money. If he cant respect you for who you are, well.. bad luck for this guy, but time to move on!

And LAD i understand your want to express your emotions and feelings to strangers. I would love to just tell everybody what has happened to me, but at the same time i know thats not in my best interest.. so try to be a little bit more self protective there i would suggest

You've listened to yourself! Very important imo!

Peter
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#434016 - 05/08/13 09:26 AM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
GREAT LAD!!! you're SO right! just because people buy you things doesn't mean they get to walk all over you! good on you for setting a boundary! you deserve to be happy and if being around him doesn't make you happy, then by all means cut him off.

i am going through something very similar with my mother. A LOT going on there, but at the moment, i am beginning to understand her role in my abuse since my dad was my abuser. i displayed all the signs and symptoms of abuse and nothing. i didn't feel safe in my own home.

now that i realize all that, i am not speaking with my mom. all we do is fight and yell. i didn't let her talk to me on my birthday, first time in 32 years. it was hard. she texted that night suggesting that SHE was being denied the "right" to wish her son a HB. seriously? crazy woman. then she sends me a card and says, "nmw, i will always be your mother." i felt TRAPPED. no, i think a mother would be more loving and supportive then, now. i can forgive for the ignorance of the past, but don't pretend like this shit didn't happen.

just cause she's my mom and a non-abuser, she doesn't make me happy. she minimizes the effect the abuse has had on me. she's not good for my recovery and she keeps me in circles, spinning wheels, (insert analogy). I'm working, but when i speak with her, the work just seems to stall out. so, no talking with my mom for awhile.

good on you for establishing a boundary! absolutely RIGHT to do that!

as for telling other people, i would say absolutely tell people. just tell safe and healthy people. expect nothing in return other than a listening ear. remember that abuse is serious, the side effects we all live every day are disastrous if unchecked. you are a survivor, remember that. telling people, for me, has begun to help me lift the shame i've been carrying. the shame isn't mine... the shame of the act of incest, nor the shame in how i've responded in surviving. none of that shame is mine, and each time i can tell someone (safe and healthy)... i release it a little more.

i've also discovered that i don't have to share every detail. i've got a cliff notes version now... "i'm a survivor of csa." it works. conveys everything without burdening the listener of the details. i expect nothing in return... except maybe understanding.

BIG stride made in making that decision! BIG STRIDE! proud of you LAD!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#434018 - 05/08/13 09:45 AM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 611
Second everything everyone has said on here.

Life's a Dream - I haven't spoken to you much on here but I'm glad you cut him out of your life. He doesn't deserve you, and him spoiling you doesn't justify all of the other emotional abuse he's inflicted on you. At all. If anything the 'nice' things he's done for you is a form of power and control, something he uses to guilt-trip you. He sounds like a textbook narcissist. It's inspiring reading about the actions you've taken for yourself...I for one have one too many of these narcissists pulling at me in my life, I'm going to enjoy cutting them off like swatting flies.

Hanging around with these self-inflated baboons can make you forget how great life can be.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#434019 - 05/08/13 09:54 AM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
LAD

I have to say this might be the first RIGHT move you have made with this guy.

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#434021 - 05/08/13 10:14 AM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
this still pisses me off: he has repeatedly made jokes about my dad raping me. Ironically, it's the same goddamn dynamic I've always had with my dad "Well, he pays for me, so I better do whatever he says/let him walk all over me". Last night was the last straw. I didn't unload on him then and there, cuz I wouldn't have had a ride home if I did.

LAD I congratulation you on acknowledging crossing of your borders to your "friend".
Weather is just talk, chat or sharing intimacy (including sex) we should take care for ourselves in first place. As you wrote and described already many such situations I encourage you to look further and look for things that you are feeling like bad and hurtful so you would be able to recognize it next time. We all need education about it...
In any case it is good that you followed your inner feelings and that you articulate it loudly. I hope your friend has heard it and get the message. Many times it is needed more to do to stop such relationships and protect ourselves.
I'm encouraging you to try to listen that inner voice that doesn't like to be mistreated like that!


Edited by peroperic2009 (05/08/13 10:17 AM)
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My story

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#434022 - 05/08/13 10:16 AM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Lad, congrats on standing up for yourself. frankly it sounds like this idiot uses his money because he's too pathetic to go and better ways of relating to people, so he just bludgions people into what he wants, ---- eg, instead of admitting that he knows less than you about hydrogen bonding, he tells you to shut up. Sadly, I've met a fair few people like that, indeed I remember once telling a Marquis "tough luck" when he was attempting to get me to bend certain rules in connection with my department on his behalf simply because of his title.

Another thing to remember, is that if he's really got! that much money, he's not really giving you anything, since it's no inconvenience to him, after all a hundred pounds from a multimillionaire means nothing, but the same amount from someone earning 20 k a year is very different, since they've sacrificed a good amount of what they have.

I actually had to think this one out myself since one friend of mine earns about eighty thousand pounds a year, as well as having a whacking inheritance, (that's about 130 usd). Whenever we get together for a drink, I'll provide coffee, --- good coffee made by me for about seven pounds fifty, while my friend will turn up with a sixty quid bottle of wisky to go with it.

I felt really guilty about this, since to me something that expensive, if I have it at all is not something to be drunk just when we get together. Then however I realized that to him, that wisky was the same approximate price as 7.50 of decent coffee is to me.

If we go out anyywhere and share a taxi, we do just that, split the price, ditto if we see a film, indeed I usually use my disability discount to get my friend a free tickit.

So, i'd question weather this wealthy idiot was really giving you anything at all, ---- not if he was giving no actual friendship, making really nasty and hurtful jokes at your expense and behaviour like a total git.

good riddence to him

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#434051 - 05/08/13 03:37 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Thank you to all of you. I wish I wasn't so exhausted and discouraged right now, or I'd address each of your responses individually. I suck.

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#434053 - 05/08/13 03:54 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:01 PM)

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#434054 - 05/08/13 04:29 PM Re: Did I make the right move? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1493
Bryan - it was the perfect move to jump out of his pocket. No question. Congratulations!
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Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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