Newest Members
susanhepp, Breathe, georgetwo, frozen45, lilac
12291 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Guillermo (37), illbedat (26), Mike58 (56), Mnovit (38), Mongo (24), pwdasw (64), Raymond Sean (38), yesac76 (38)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 23 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12291 Members
73 Forums
63233 Topics
442179 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#433872 - 05/07/13 10:33 AM Survivor and abuser
Juggernaut Offline


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 6
I just got hit with the awful news that my husband was molested when he was a child. It's horrible and I hurt for him, but I know we can move forward from this with the proper help. The issue I am having is that I also found out that he in turn victimized two family members. He has blocked out details of what happened with one, but remembers the other.

I haven't been given details of any of the abuse. I have a million questions and I hope I will get the chance to ask them and to get answers.

I know logically that victims of abuse sometimes will act out and abuse a child when they are young, but I just can't wrap my mind around this. I hurt for the victim he was, but I want to vomit when I think of him hurting someone else.

Another issue is that we still see my husband's abuser at family gatherings and now that I know this, there is no way I can be in the same room with him without tearing his face from his head. No one in his family knows what happened, so I'm not sure how we are going to explain my absence from family events in the future.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun on some things here but it's all very raw and I can think of nothing else right now. I can't work. I can't do my schoolwork. I'm sick.

There was horrible abuse in my mother's family when she was growing up so its not a foreign concept to me. I just don't know how to process this information. How to look at my husband and not see a monster. Maybe I don't know him at all.

Anyone else who has been in this particular situation, I would appreciate your insight.

Top
#433886 - 05/07/13 12:23 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Juggernaut]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Maybe I'm jumping the gun on some things here but it's all very raw and I can think of nothing else right now. I can't work. I can't do my schoolwork. I'm sick.


It is not happening now. Getting over worked up about it will not help. Don't let this control your life. Concentrate on what you have to now. Decide how much time you can afford to spend on this. This is going to be a long process and you can't let it be so consuming to you.

What is your husband like today? Consider that. The abuse he caused is concerning but was that something that happened when he was younger but now he wouldn't do it again? No it is not good that he did these things to others but it is important to consider who he is now.

I want to get to say, don't get too close to all this. It is not yours to own. You will need to protect yourself. This can be very destructive to you. Take a deep breath and say to yourself, we will get through this.

Read, learn, but don't let it consume you.

Top
#433889 - 05/07/13 12:32 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Candu]
Juggernaut Offline


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 6
Thanks for the response.

I guess I don't really know how to NOT get worked up over it. Honestly, I would have an easier time accepting if he had killed someone.

We have an appointment with a therapist Monday. He doesn't want to face any of it but we can't just go back and act like everything is okay and that nothing ever happened.

And the person he is today doesn't seem like someone who would hurt another person. But I don't know that for sure. Apparently I didn't know anything about him at all, that much is clear now.

Top
#433928 - 05/07/13 07:56 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Juggernaut]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
If he was young when he did it then give him a break. If he was an adult then I would be less understanding.

Top
#433948 - 05/07/13 10:01 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Candu]
Juggernaut Offline


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: Candu
If he was young when he did it then give him a break. If he was an adult then I would be less understanding.


That's what my instinct says right now. I think I will feel better once I get more of the story. Not knowing is just causing my mind to run wild with all kinds of terrible scenarios.

I'm glad I found this site, though. I'm sure it will be very helpful going forward.

Top
#434093 - 05/09/13 01:34 AM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Juggernaut]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
Hey Juggernaut,

You've got alot on your plate right now, and it may help you to break it down into smaller pieces to deal with individually, and one at a time.

What was done to your husband is among the most damaging things that can happen to a boy. It has affected him in ways that he probably does not yet realize. Your instincts to be supportive are right, as thats exactly what he needs from you. You can't fix him, but as you said, you can move forward together with the proper help.

The fact that your husband became a child abuser may seem understandable, but is actually quite rare. Most abused boys don't become abusers themselves. If he was a child then, he may be less culpable than an adult would be, but the damage to the others he abused is just as great reguardless. Consider placing your focus on encouraging your husband to make amends to those individuals that were hurt by him, rather than labeling him a monster. He has the opportunity to help bring healing to them if its needed.

Did he carry this abusive behavior into adulthood? Its a reasonable quesion to ask, and one that you have a right to expect total honesty from him. But don't assume that thats the case. Give him the time to sort it all out.

Apparently the person who abused your husband was a member of his extended family. Neither of you has any obligation to sacrifice yourselves for the sake of family unity. If it makes either of you uncomfortable to be in this person's presence, then just don't attend these family functions. You're not required to explain why, but you have the option of telling the truth.

If you choose disclosure, understand that it will cause conflict within the family. Some may call your husband a liar, take the abuser's side against him, or write him off as a wacko.

Breaking the family silence may also bring your husband a sense of empowerment, and healing. Outing the abuser also has some other benefits. Its likely that your husband was not the abuser's only victim. And that person may still be actively abusing children. Disclosing may encourage other victims to come forward, potentially stopping any further abuse by him.

You have many decisions to make, many things to learn and explore. But it doesn't all have to be done today. Take it one day at a time, and you'll find it easier to manage. Good luck.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

Top
#434159 - 05/09/13 05:38 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Jude]
Juggernaut Offline


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: Jude
Hey Juggernaut,

You've got alot on your plate right now, and it may help you to break it down into smaller pieces to deal with individually, and one at a time.

What was done to your husband is among the most damaging things that can happen to a boy. It has affected him in ways that he probably does not yet realize. Your instincts to be supportive are right, as thats exactly what he needs from you. You can't fix him, but as you said, you can move forward together with the proper help.

The fact that your husband became a child abuser may seem understandable, but is actually quite rare. Most abused boys don't become abusers themselves. If he was a child then, he may be less culpable than an adult would be, but the damage to the others he abused is just as great reguardless. Consider placing your focus on encouraging your husband to make amends to those individuals that were hurt by him, rather than labeling him a monster. He has the opportunity to help bring healing to them if its needed.

Did he carry this abusive behavior into adulthood? Its a reasonable quesion to ask, and one that you have a right to expect total honesty from him. But don't assume that thats the case. Give him the time to sort it all out.

Apparently the person who abused your husband was a member of his extended family. Neither of you has any obligation to sacrifice yourselves for the sake of family unity. If it makes either of you uncomfortable to be in this person's presence, then just don't attend these family functions. You're not required to explain why, but you have the option of telling the truth.

If you choose disclosure, understand that it will cause conflict within the family. Some may call your husband a liar, take the abuser's side against him, or write him off as a wacko.

Breaking the family silence may also bring your husband a sense of empowerment, and healing. Outing the abuser also has some other benefits. Its likely that your husband was not the abuser's only victim. And that person may still be actively abusing children. Disclosing may encourage other victims to come forward, potentially stopping any further abuse by him.

You have many decisions to make, many things to learn and explore. But it doesn't all have to be done today. Take it one day at a time, and you'll find it easier to manage. Good luck.

Jude


Your message was exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.

We talked last night and I feel nothing but sadness and pain for him. He had completely blocked out memories of the abuse until one of the relatives he abused brought it up to him a few weeks ago. He still only remembers bits and pieces of what happened to him and what he did to his victims--says he completely does not remember what happened with one of his victims, and maybe he will never remember. He is full of guilt and shame and is beside himself knowing that he hurt two relatives who he loves. I have no reason to doubt this and I do not believe he ever touched anyone inappropriate since that incident. He planned his suicide Tuesday night but stopped himself because he didn't think it was fair to take the easy way out and hurt me and his family.

All he wants to do is apologize to his victims. I told him I am sure he could do that eventually but that right now he isn't ready to do it--especially since he hasn't yet begun the process of forgiving himself. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if they rejected his apology (which one of them very well might).

The other thing he is worried about is if his victims decide to tell other family members. I don't know if he can handle his family turning against him for a terrible mistake he made over 20 years ago. I hope that therapy will bring him to a place where he will be able to deal with it if that day ever comes.

It's so complicated but I am trying to be positive and point out the good things that will come from all this (although there aren't many). I will walk with him through this, because I know he would do the same for me. And he is worth it.

Top
#434375 - 05/11/13 04:30 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Juggernaut]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Jude's message is powerful. Please carefully read it and re-read it.

Also, shame is a beast - a destructive hungry beast and I encourage you not to feed it. And the only way for that to perhaps happen right now is for you to be supportive yet uninvolved.

This is not your situation to make excuses for or create solutions for. This is something that his family has to resolve. He can do it with your support, but you can not take on nor bear his shame - nor can you become codependent to it.

Top
#434383 - 05/11/13 06:03 PM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Esposa]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3152
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Esposa
Jude's message is powerful. Please carefully read it and re-read it.

Also, shame is a beast - a destructive hungry beast and I encourage you not to feed it. And the only way for that to perhaps happen right now is for you to be supportive yet uninvolved.

This is not your situation to make excuses for or create solutions for. This is something that his family has to resolve. He can do it with your support, but you can not take on nor bear his shame - nor can you become codependent to it.



please allow me to emphatically agree with Esposa.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#434474 - 05/12/13 10:37 AM Re: Survivor and abuser [Re: Esposa]
Juggernaut Offline


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: Esposa
Also, shame is a beast - a destructive hungry beast and I encourage you not to feed it. And the only way for that to perhaps happen right now is for you to be supportive yet uninvolved.


Forgive me, but I don't really understand what you mean by this.

If my husband is talking about killing himself, how am I to be supportive but uninvolved? And how would I be feeding his shame?

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.