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#433866 - 05/07/13 09:53 AM Female underwear
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Hi guys

gotta write this off my chest. Since one and a half year on returning from a vacation i tried on a pair of pantyhose and it became a sort of obsession. Tried all kinds of ladies underwear, even though i couldnt really understand why. I've been able to disclose this to my mother and i know i should bring it up in therapy once, but still havent found the proper moment.

I threw all the underwear away after my mother came into my house one day; i was afraid of being found out and i thought she found the bag. However, she never mentioned it - not even when i disclosed it.

The strange thing is, wearing female underwear actually makes me feel good and horny. But since i discovered the abuse, i dont know what to think of it anymore. Is this some kind of acting out, by trying to be more feminine?

I'm getting more and more convinced i'm not actually gay, i'm just lacking in trust to start a real relationship. The more i look at it, the more i see how everything is sexualized in my life. And because i'm too afraid to really open up and allow people close to me, i have to either keep all the sexual energy inside or act it out in this way.

I find women in pantyhose very attractive, but it feels that i'm a little too obsessed with it all. Aargh.. its just so frustrating not to what normal is or to decide whether something is acceptable or not.. jojo'ing is making me go crazy lol

thanks for reading and please share with me if you recognize any of it or have a similar problem/issue!

Cheers
OCN
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#433890 - 05/07/13 12:33 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Hello OCN,

What is normal...??? I mean who is going to be judge, jury and executioner on all of that. I am sure if you asked Alfred Kinsey, you would quickly find that, "truth is stranger than fiction". If it were me, I wouldn't spend to much time trying to find the norms as far as dressing/cross dressing are concern. Forcing answers with stuff like this tends to drive me rather psychotic and I have found very few answers here...

In my journey, I have figured out, that I was hyper-sexualized at an early age. During that same time, I was repeatedly emasculated and feminized. I mean, that was all part of my abusers modus operandi to the point that i was so messed up that I believed I was a girl trapped in a boys body.

Ok, so wearing women's pantyhose feels great and makes us feel horny. (That is an understatement)

First of all, it is society that labeled pantyhose for women. you might also find it rather interesting that can insulate you from your clothes and thus make you warmer and dryer. I wonder how many guys in the military, know this, but are not talking. I also know that these things can help you put one heck of a spit shine on your combat boots.

To tell you the truth, I actually experimented intimately with the whole pantyhose, emasculation, feminization thing. i was so mixed up, I really didn't know if I was straight, gay or somewhere in between.

There are also guys that are a hundred percent straight, that really get aroused by wearing all sorts of female attire. I personally don't see any problem at all with it.

One of the biggest gifts in recovery was to figure out and be comfortable in the fact, that I am a strange cat. (comfortable in the skin that I am in).

I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out, who or what, I might have been. (and for all I know, I might have ended up, as the same exact person). Yes, I am androgenous. (all, I am totally good, in relating with both sides of myself).

I happen to be single at the moment, but as far as dating is concerned, I firmly believe that there is a nut for every bolt. (first I have to figure out who I am, and then I can worry about, how I relate to others).

My question, Is what is comfortable with you...??? (and even if it is slightly humiliating, do you still enjoy it.)

Here is where your journey starts and mine ends...



Dedicated Follower of Fashion (Kinks)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#433904 - 05/07/13 04:09 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
hej Island

Thank you for your reply! Makes so much sense.. and i can understand what you're saying. The sexualization began early with me too, i was not yet in my puberty..

I dont know exactly what is happening, but i think it has to do with finally really trying to understand myself. And in a way i'm quite comfortable with wearing pantyhose.. So i realize you're hitting the nail on the spot when saying what is normal? Its up for me to decide what is normal for me and stick with that.

Thnx Island for your understanding!

OCN
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#436165 - 05/29/13 07:46 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
strange but true.. ever since i posted it, the emotional/sexual charge has lessened a lot! i wore pantyhose last week, but it didnt give the physical response it did before.. seems that sharing this, makes it less damaging to myself (somehow i feel its linked to guilt and blame)


Edited by OCN (05/29/13 07:46 AM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#442834 - 07/31/13 10:25 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
FORWARD Offline


Registered: 07/28/13
Posts: 4
Loc: MIchigan, USA
I am so glad you wrote about this. Thank you for sharing. Your post is what got me to become a member and start sharing. Thank you again.
I have a HUGE thing for pantyhose and nylons and women's underwear. I struggle with this obsession and or fetish everyday. I am new into T, past 6 months, and I am very confused right now. Trying to figure out whom I am as a GUY. Such a label. I feel so much energy from women underwear and pantyhose. I feel a little myself and little out of place at the sometime. I have not wore then since childhood, but it has always been a THING for me.

Am I not sure who I am now or what all this means. I am working thru this. I have told my T about this and one other person, not my wife. I am so glad to hear about this from someone else. It is very confusing and scary for now. I am feeling this that I felt as a child, the hyper-sexual feeling. Women are so beautiful in general, but so so lovely in pantyhose and underwear. Sorry I am wondering.

I am happy to say that I am glad to hear others feeling somewhat what I am feeling.

Thank You for listen. God created me, but who is me?
_________________________
GOD made me, but who is ME?

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#443288 - 08/04/13 09:14 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Lost Mountain Offline


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 47
Loc: Atlanta
OCN I am happy you started this post, I to have a fondness for women’s undergarments and it goes back to when I was first abused I am sure when I was dressed as a girl. I love my wife and she is struggling to understand. Hell I do not understand it I just know it makes me feel secure somehow and why that is I have no clue, but that is for my therapist to get out of me.

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#443450 - 08/06/13 12:04 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
FORWARD Offline


Registered: 07/28/13
Posts: 4
Loc: MIchigan, USA
I have also recently told my wife and this fetish/obsession for women panties and pantyhose. How I wear then when i was little. I am struggling, really hard to try to figure this out. My wife also has no clue what to do. She has unfortunately shun me away. I was labeled by her, and now we are in the same house, but separated. i really have the urge to wear a pair panties under my jeans to work. Is this really me at 40 years old. I am so scared and excited a little. I am scared that my marriage is gone, but that I am truly finding me.
Dealing with the feelings of abuse is not easy. i have to walk this journey to get better. I feel in one way that I am coming out, like if i was gay/bi. It is strange, but the feeling of womens underwear connects me to the little boy that lost his childhood. Strange, and confusing. I will be posting alot on this subject. I hope we all keeping writing and others join. Thank You for not labeling me and for me to feel welcomed.
_________________________
GOD made me, but who is ME?

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#443531 - 08/06/13 03:07 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Lost Mountain Offline


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 47
Loc: Atlanta
hey try driving a truck cross country wearing panties and a camisole under jeans and t shirt, its scary as hell

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#443690 - 08/07/13 10:59 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
FORWARD Offline


Registered: 07/28/13
Posts: 4
Loc: MIchigan, USA
Yes, i am finally acting on my thoughts. i am wearing a pair of panties now. I wanted to know how i would feel in them and walking around in them. in one way i am feel like crying and screaming, because i start to think i am bad or fucked up. you am i. on the other hand i am exploring my sexuality in a healthy way. my wife and i are not talking at all. she said she would go to T with me. will see. I was labeled by her as a freak, because i was listening to the neighbor has sex a few nights ago. so that is other huge thing for me. i feel that i should be lock up at times, because the pain sometimes over take and i start hurting myself, cutting, hitting myself, any pain i can feel. how can any understand this fucked up thinking that i developed as a child watching porn before middle and wearing pantyhose and panties for the whores that my dad would bring home. the same dad that molested me. i at times feel so draw towards women that i want to be a women. but i love women, maybe i just need someone to accept me for me. if that is wear panties or pantyhose and we have one fuck of night of sex back with sense of emotions that is undesirable. i am still finding me. just so lost and scared from within. it seems like compassion and empathy is hurt to come by from other. thank you for listen. i feel so safe writing here. thank you again.
_________________________
GOD made me, but who is ME?

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#444038 - 08/11/13 04:31 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
FORWARD Offline


Registered: 07/28/13
Posts: 4
Loc: MIchigan, USA
JUST A UPDATE. I AM EXPLORING MORE AND MORE WITH ME!!!!! I ALSO HAVE CALLED SOME PEOPLE THAT WISE WITH THIS. I HAVE FEELINGS OF WHAT A WOMEN FEELS. WHAT IS LIKE TO DRESS "HOT" AND FEEL "HOT" FEEL THE SILKINESS AGAINST YOUR BODY AND THE SENSUALITY IT BRINGS. I AM REALIZING MORE AND MORE I IDOLIZE WOMEN AND EXTREMELY JEALOUSY OF WOMEN. THIS HAS COME OUT IN T. MY T THEN SUGGESTED THAT I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MORE AND EXPLORE THIS MORE WITH MAYBE PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITY OF CROSS DRESSING OR TRANSGENDER. SO I MADE THAT CALL. I FEEL THAT AS A LITTLE BOY GROWING UP IN A HOUSE OF ABUSE AND PORN, THAT WEARING WOMEN CLOTHING-PANTIES, PANTYHOSE, CHAMIS- WAS A WAY OUT OF THAT WORLD. IT PUT ME CLOSE AS I COULD TO WOMEN WITHOUT HAVING THE CHANCE TO BE A WOMEN. BEING THAT YOUNG.
YEARS LATER AND SOME PAIN AND INTENSE THERAPY I HAVE DISCOVERED THIS FEELING HAS NOT LEFT ME. THE THOUGHTS OF WHAT IS LIKE BEING WOMEN AND THE FEELING OF WEARING CLOTHING. I AM SO ENVY OF WOMEN AND WISH I COULD BE ONE FOR AWHILE. THAT WOULD BE MY DREAM. SO DEEP DESIRES TO EXPLORE AND WHY IS THIS SO STRONG. I LOVE WOMEN AND DESIRE TO BE WITH WOMEN, BUT WATCHING MORE AND MORE TRANNY AND SHEMALE VIDS. IT IS SCARY. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT ALL THINGS. IT MEANS SOMETHING AND IT IS PART OF ME, THAT I KNOW. THE ABUSE IS THE ABUSE. IT IS NOT A PRETTY PICTURE. BUT, IS THIS A THING FROM THE ABUSE OR HAS THIS ALSO BEEN ME. I HAVE A EVERY GOOD FRIEND THAT IS A LESBIAN. WAS MARRIED WITH KID. SHE HAS TOLD ME TO JUST LET THE FEELINGS COME TO YOU AND NOT FIGHT THEM. JUST FEEL THEM AND EXPLORE THEM. IF NO HARM TO ANYONE ELSE. DON'T FIGHT THEM. THANKS AGAIN FOR LISTEN.
_________________________
GOD made me, but who is ME?

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#444044 - 08/11/13 06:30 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
My biggest struggle through any of this has been and almost all consuming questioning of my true orientation. I developed an interest years ago in women's clothing and while I was married it was something my ex-wife excepted. It wasn't an every day occurrence but it was there-more so when I was stressed.

Often when I'd dress I'd find the questioning of my sexuality decrease-I didn't seek out gay porn/chat or fantasize about men nearly as much.

While it wasn't something my ex overly embraced it was at times both embraced in our sex life and outside of it. When our marriage ended she literally took every female article of clothing I had.

The orientation questioning consumed me again as did porn/chat/fantasy and for the several years we've been a part I didn't own a single item of female clothing until just a few months ago.

Now living on my own I again dress from time to time and find it helps me contain the other stuff. I've wondered if dressing the part/embracing a feminine side eases my subconscious-as if it tells me that when I'm dressed the part I don't need to feel guilt/shame for the pleasure response...

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#444952 - 08/21/13 04:03 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Lost Mountain Offline


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 47
Loc: Atlanta
I wear panties and hose when I can and I just recently painted my toe nails I can not believe the way I felt after I did, I looked down at them and it was a horrible job but I felt relaxed and at peace for the first time in a very long time.This Week when I am feeling stressed I look down at my feet whether they are bare or not and I just smile Not sure what this says about me and right now I do not really care I am enjoying the feeling while it lasts.

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#447905 - 09/22/13 01:56 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Nice to see more people here, thank you.

I'm thinking about bringing it up at therapy, but im not sure about it.. to me it is a connection with my innocence.

And i also feel it has to do with me being too shy to look for a woman. I know i'd like to be in a relationship, but at the same time i'm afraid of the pain fo being rejected.. somewhere deep inside there is a thought of not being good enough, even though i know this is not true.

good luck all on your journey finding out who you are. Cross-dressing is a way to express something without words.. its up to us to try and understand
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#447923 - 09/22/13 05:17 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Anthony V Offline


Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 19
This tread saddens me.

There is nothing wrong with being a cross-dresser or wearing female underwear. However, all of that depends on one's intention for doing so. If I am consumed by the idea and it has more power than me then I must look at what is going on inside of me. I believe strongly that it is a grave error to just suggest everything is ok because there is 'no normal.' Each individual is able to perceive for themselves where that behavior comes from. You will not find personal peace and freedom by just saying everything is ok. Again, I am not suggesting that there is an objective right/wrong but rather that each person knows for themselves what feels truly healthy and what doesn't. If there is an addictive quality/attraction to the behavior I would definitely ask what is happening beneath that.

What saddens me is giving open permission to act on behaviors that one intuitively knows is not coming from a place of health and love is essentially extending the experience of abuse.

We are worth so much more than that.

***again, I'm not opposed to the behaviors but rather to not question if the behavior is being done from a place of love & health rather than fear.

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#447986 - 09/23/13 11:17 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Anthony.

Quote:
What saddens me is giving open permission to act on behaviors that one intuitively knows is not coming from a place of health and love is essentially extending the experience of abuse.

This is to me the key.. this is why i started this topic in the first place. I'm trying to work on this and understanding why i 'want' to wear female cloathing is part of this.

Sadly, since i discovered i was abused, i found out that a lot of things which i thought were normal, can be classified as addictive. And now im coming to terms with that while slowly but surely changing things for the better.

Your words strike deep within here, but thats ok. Im willing to look at my behavior and ask myself whether i truely want it, or just do it because im obsessed about it.. i cant say i have the answer at this moment concerning wearing female underwear.. but i am working on it, not just indulging in it..

cause i 100% agree with you that we should find out the place of health and love within!

[edit]
Just read something which actually makes sense to me. Wearing the female underwear ignites the abuse in a way. There are the addictive factors: its a secret you have to keep, and there is the excitement of having to keep it a secret. It's like i replace the abuse with wearing the female underwear, but i was unconcious of the true reasons..
I'll just have to give it a shot at therapy coming thursday, whether i like it or not..


Edited by OCN (09/23/13 12:18 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#448086 - 09/24/13 10:14 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Anthony V Offline


Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 19
Yah OCN!

Remember if you feel that wearing women's clothing is coming from love you have all my support. I'd love you if you'd be wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey everyday. (I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan) smile There is no shame in anything that has its origin as Love.

The tricky part is that in my experience only the individual can decide where the intention is coming from. No therapist, friend, parent can make that call for someone...they can support but not make that call.

If it is coming from fear remember you need not live in the prison of abuse any longer. However, I imagine it will be very hard to move through as my addictive behaviors have been for me.

Lots of love OCN.

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#448313 - 09/26/13 11:52 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: Anthony V]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you Anthony!

So far i've only told my mom about this and i'll have to see whether i share it in therapy or not. I agree with you on making the call.. it's up to me to find out.

It's strange to be left with all your addictions and obsessions. But at the same time there the journey forward, towards love and healing. Thank you for confirming that.

Lots of love on your journey too!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#448392 - 09/27/13 04:52 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Anthony V Offline


Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 19
Hi OCN,

You are free to do what you must but I would ask myself about why I would not share something so significant with my therapist and what that may or may not say about my relationship with him or her. I am assuming you are in therapy to help move through issues of sexual abuse. If so, this type of information is imperative that it be shared. At least this is all from my point of view.

All the best.

Anthony

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#448738 - 09/30/13 12:58 AM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
nel75 Offline


Registered: 03/24/13
Posts: 9
Just a quick message to say I am a straight woman, no history of SA who had the best relationship of my life with a SAS who also loved wearing women's underwear, nylons and heels almost everyday at home. He was the most caring, affectionate, fun and attentive man I'd ever known. I still adore him, even tho things did not work out (not related to the crossdressing). Don't be ashamed of what turns you on, there are plenty of women out there that dig a kinky man wink The only thing I can say to be careful of is focusing SO much on a particular fetish in a solitary, masturbatory way, that you become unable to connect with another person sexually. Its no different than indulging too much in porn for too long - nothing wrong at ALL with enjoying what you enjoy - just dont let it become a compulsive escape mechanism for feeling emotions you need to feel and work through.

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#448814 - 09/30/13 06:39 PM Re: Female underwear [Re: OCN]
Lost Mountain Offline


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 47
Loc: Atlanta
When I brought it up with my T I could tell she was dumbfounded then she told me that she has never had any experience with men who like women's under garments. I thanked her for the honesty and was told she will try and find someone I can talk to about it if I feel I need to.

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