Newest Members
SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo
12486 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Can-tex (45), cbchorn (41)
Who's Online
3 registered (iaccus, Bluedogone, 1 invisible), 13 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12486 Members
74 Forums
64149 Topics
447593 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#433865 - 05/07/13 09:53 AM My lists for the new T
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Today is the day for the first visit to the new T. This time HE is a HE. I am a bit anxious this morning, so much that I just avoided going into work today. I dread the beginning opening statement of the session. The one were the T says, "What is your goal in coming here?" The wounds are now so open, and the span of time is so long, and the abuses so many, and the discoveries I have made about me are seemingly so vast... and not all that "pretty" to know... how can I answer honestly when I feel I am in a whirlwind of confusion. And then there is that exposure again were you think, "should I say it or should I not?".... A becoming excellent friend on MS suggested I write some things down so that I don't forget what it is I REALLY want to present to the T, so this posting is part of that.

So maybe one of these is my goal....

to find some 'semblance of peace inside
to ease the hurt of betrayal
to learn to trust
to steal back from time, the innocence of my youth (and my mid-life)
to grieve appropriately for childhood lost
to hear a professional T say it wasn't my fault and to NOT follow it up with a but statement
to be able to think of what my goals
to not cry as I am now
to feel loved without acting out sexually
to not feel that need to self medicate creeping back in
to feel continually clean
to be blame free without questioning my role

And there is more, but it just seems to go on like this forever.

But there are a few things I DO NOT want to hear said. And I think its fair for me to let him know that its inappropriate AND damaging as a male survivor of sexual assaults to hear....

now you know how a woman feels
your behavior probably played a part leading up to the assault
people are confused by your sexuality
your ability to have long term relationship AND your sexuality... seems you are getting it from both ends... chuckle, chuckle...bitch.

I am certain more will come out as I talk, but just posting this calms me. I need my angels today.

b



Edited by ThisMan (05/07/13 08:31 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433867 - 05/07/13 09:56 AM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
... and I am in charge. My hurt, my pain, my recovery. My experiences, my history, my struggles. My fears, my tears. I am in control.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433870 - 05/07/13 10:14 AM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
That is very good list B!
Please don't be hard on yourself if you are crying, we are sensitive beings and have feelings wink

We have right to be acknowledged and heard, if we can't expect such treatment in therapy I wonder where we could find it.

When you wrote things that you don't wanna hear those seems to me like really toxic comments that canot have place in therapy in anyway.

Good that you are taking charge for yourself, bravo!

(((B)))

Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#433871 - 05/07/13 10:29 AM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
b,

May I suggest you share the "things I don't want to hear my therapist say" list with your new therapist?

Hurtful comments from a thoughtless and ill-equipped therapist cut deep because they're said at a moment when we're the most vulnerable.

It may be very helpful to give a good therapist the opportunity to refute and bandage the wounds.

Keep in mind, a therapist is your employee, your contracted consultant, and [should be] your team partner.

Congratulations on the new T and a new day.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#433873 - 05/07/13 10:34 AM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
good work, b!

i hope for your sake that this one is "the one" - and that you'll find out right away. feel free to tell about the ex-T and why that did not work out. the more he knows what your goals are - and what you need to avoid - the better you can work together.

all the best!!!
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#433929 - 05/07/13 08:01 PM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 215
Thank you for posting this. I'm going to start therapy soon and I don't really know what to expect. It was helpful to read your list. I think I'm going to make my own list once I figure out exactly what I want my goals to be. I hope today went ok and wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

Top
#433935 - 05/07/13 08:53 PM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
kann Offline


Registered: 04/22/13
Posts: 8
Just got back from my T, 2nd visit,this is my 1st T..I don't have a list, maybe I should. She congrats me for making the 1st step, 1st person face to face that I ever said what happen to me. I don't feel any different, T keeps asking about what I like to do (happy thoughts) - I like to distance my self from people, that's what I like to do...
Hopefully it gets better...

Top
#433938 - 05/07/13 09:16 PM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Kann- congrats for telling the T about the CSA. Its a really hard thing to do, and it will get better. ......i edited this out because it reflected my feelings of frustration and I was sending that to you.... that wasn't cool and I apologize... it definitely can get better.

And txb, good for you on starting the therapy. I didn't know what to expect either. The first T sent out the vibes that she feared me and connected the issues of male rape with co-dependency...totally lost me... so i didnt go back. And the second I stayed with for 6 months. She did fine with the issues she was familiar with, but with the adult stuff she projected a lot of bias on to me in a pretty damaging method... by passive aggressive remarks about my role in the rape..... all that to say... when you realize you are making no progress and even regressing with the T, give it up as soon as you realize... I waited a few sessions too long.


Edited by ThisMan (05/07/13 10:04 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433946 - 05/07/13 09:55 PM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Met the "man T" today. I think his personality is really tight compared to mine. It will be hard to make him laugh when I hide behind the humor. But he has a sincere aura that I appreciate. And he truly did an intake session. He asked me things the others did not. He took continual notes..... like continuously. Either I am totally beyond where I admit in my distress or he just likes to write. The 6 month T took zero notes. I once pointed that out, and she said she had a great memory...

I told him of the 6 month stint of therapy and the things I shared here about the comments. His words when I shared... "welcome to womanhood" regarding the asa.. his brows went up, and he said "What? I said, "I told her I was raped and she responded with welcome to womanhood". He wanted to know what that meant. Ha. Well, when I shared the "taking it from both ends comment", he just shook his head.

It was hard going thru the quick summary of a life of abuse. On the other Ts I could disconnect for the first few sessions. I couldn't today. Tried really hard, but I couldn't. When I told the first was at 4 he looked kinda sad. And then I checked out the upper corner of the room and recited the other ages in rapid fire, his eyes widened a bit. He assumed it was by one man... indicated by a question something like... when "he" was doing .... I stopped him and said it was multiple males at different times. He said... "you mean you were abused by more than one..." Yes, sir, I said. Him..."so you were abused from the ages of 4 thru 17"... yes, sir. (and a big fucking thank you for pointing that out again to me ONE MORE TIME...) "by more than one male abuser"... sigh... yes, sir.

I guess the thing that struck me most importantly during this session was the fact that I couldn't emotionally escape. I couldn't go numb. I teared up often. Even had to dry my cheek on some of the sharing. It was a hard session. And I was serious with my responses. The wounds are real, are raw, and they hurt. I know we say it a lot on MS, but I had no idea I would tear up in front of a stranger.

He even cared enough to ask how the past two weeks were since I ended the other T. When I said they were dark, he was really concerned. We talked about life and death. He ask me what I thought of death and how often. I knew what he was doing, but I appreciated it. He asked me of life and what I had to live for. And I could tell him.

He asked about my sexual habits, yes, i said, I am active... pen in motion writing on paper...but he didn't ask which I prefer...because there was no reason for him to... He asked about a comment I had made about being clean... and I explained as best I could how the sexual assaults made me feel... and he picked up on a rambled phrase about eating or not eating to control life..... yes, he is the first to pick up on the eating disorder I share with no one... and now you know... he came across as very intuitive in his profession.

And the goal question was asked. And I said I wanted to awake each morning to see the sunshine. I wanted the shadows that follow me to dissipate so that I could step out into the light. Because I once did, and I know I can again, I just don't know how.

Thank you, guys, for the supportive comments. I needed them. I am hoping he can get me back on the path toward the lighter side. I hope I hope. This dark shytt is bringing me down....and boring me to tears.


Edited by ThisMan (05/07/13 10:08 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433947 - 05/07/13 09:59 PM Re: My lists for the new T [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
((((((((((b))))))))))
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.