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#433557 - 05/04/13 08:28 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: Chase Eric]
lapchinj Online   content
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1204
Loc: New York
There have been so many great posts on this thread that there isn't much that I can add to them but I would like to make a few points.

Originally Posted By: victor-victim

think hard about your motive.
are you trying to escape your own pain, or are you trying to cause pain?
is this about escape or is it about revenge?
think hard... be honest.


I don't think that suicide is about causing pain or revenge. Maybe something like murder/suicide is but not the plain old sort of suicide that the average person who walks out of the movie does. For me it's simply to stop the pain I constantly live with, the pain of what I did as a kid. I do wake up mornings saying to myself "shit I'm still here".


Originally Posted By: victor-victim

would you kill a child who has just been abused,
in order to spare that child the pain you are experiencing?
do you really thing you have that right?

that child is inside of you right now.


I never really caught on to that idea of that child inside me simply because it is me. I cannot throw the blame for what I did as a kid onto someone else, throwing it onto the shoulders of some abstract being meaning the child in me. Only I can live with what I did as a kid.

Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon

I know, and I don't hate that child, but I often hate what he has become and what he is now. I hate the thoughts in my head and the unquenchable desire for what I can never have. I hate this curse. I want to kill it and the only way to kill it is to kill me. Not that I'm going to but again, that's where my suicidal impulses come from when I have them.....


This what you say ken goes back to what VV said about the child inside. It's not the child inside that you or I hate, it's what we did and what we've become because of it. Like my T says, what I did I did and I cannot change that. Even though you can say all day long that I was forced to do what I did I still own those acts and the life I led. I have to live with them I cannot say they didn't happen or it was done by someone else (the child inside) or that I was forced.


Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

I was a bad boy in Mexico a few years ago. ... Close to the base of the arches, the currents were treacherous. It was like swimming in a washing machine. I suddenly caught a lungful of water and just sank like a rock - fought my way coughing to the surface, started to panic, and tried to grab onto the razor-sharp roughness of the huge rock wall next to me. .... I quickly realized how futile my attempts were and I kicked myself away from the arch, exhausted. The boat - and my life preserver - looked impossibly far away on the horizon. I knew I was going to die that day and on some level I started coming to terms with that reality.....


I had to leave this entry by my good friend Eric (who made this fantastic avatar smile ) for last to explain what I would get from suicide. I also had this near death experience but many times over and over. It was some sick game people did with me to make their real life movies. They would lay me on my back, one guy would pin my arms down with his knees while he held my feet in the air for the second guy to go at me from the other end. Just like Eric I could go no place. Then came the moment where the guy pinning my arms would sit down over my face so that my nose and mouth was in his crack. Like Eric I would panic and start trying to frantically free my face so I could breath. But it wouldn't come loose, I excepted the reality of it all that this time would really be my last. I felt this feeling of peace come over me, my bowels and bladder would usually let go. Little do these two fucks who were doing this to me know that I had this euphoric feeling of peace. This is the feeling that I want so much before I die and not have the thoughts of what I've done as a kid as my last. I can safely say that it's only not wanting to hurt my wife that I don't leave.

Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon

.... I suppose that probably doesn't make sense to anybody but me, partly because I'm the only one who 100% knows what I'm talking about with regards to what goes on in my own head, but there is it. Not much of an explanation, is it? Oh well. Peace,



Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#433560 - 05/04/13 09:47 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: Lancer]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Lancer
Glad you're headed to Tybee Island Ken.

fwiw, the only thot that ever unquestionably nailed it for me when I've been suicidal:

"A permanent solution to a temporary problem."


ditto
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#433577 - 05/04/13 11:27 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: lapchinj]
BraveFalcon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
I also had this near death experience but many times over and over. It was some sick game people did with me to make their real life movies. They would lay me on my back, one guy would pin my arms down with his knees while he held my feet in the air for the second guy to go at me from the other end. Just like Eric I could go no place. Then came the moment where the guy pinning my arms would sit down over my face so that my nose and mouth was in his crack. Like Eric I would panic and start trying to frantically free my face so I could breath. But it wouldn't come loose, I excepted the reality of it all that this time would really be my last. I felt this feeling of peace come over me, my bowels and bladder would usually let go. Little do these two fucks who were doing this to me know that I had this euphoric feeling of peace. This is the feeling that I want so much before I die and not have the thoughts of what I've done as a kid as my last.


Hi Lapchinj. This is a horrifying story. I hate to hear you say these were "things you did as a kid". They were not "things you did". They were things that were done to you. I hope you know and understand that. The little boy in your avatar holds absolutely ZERO culpability for what those two evil men did to him when they were pinning him down and abusing him.

When I read a story like yours, all I want to do is go back in time, go into your story and bash those two guys off you with a baseball bat. Then, I want to scoop that little boy up in my arms and hold him and cradle him and protect him and swear to him that the only way anyone will ever hurt him again is over my dead body. Sorry if that sounds overly emotional but when I hear your story and look at your avatar, that's the thought that goes through my mind. Take care. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (05/04/13 11:29 PM)

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#433581 - 05/05/13 12:34 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Online   content
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1204
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon

Hi Lapchinj. This is a horrifying story. I hate to hear you say these were "things you did as a kid". They were not "things you did". They were things that were done to you. I hope you know and understand that. The little boy in your avatar holds absolutely ZERO culpability for what those two evil men did to him when they were pinning him down and abusing him....


I should rephrase this. Yes this is what happened to me but it goes further into things that I was also forced to do to others in making a lot of those movies and the fact that I started out at the age of 12 as a prostitute. These are the things, whether forced or not, that I have to live and come to terms with. Oh, and I was 12 in my avatar and the boy next to me was my best friend who was also being pimped, he was 10-1/2.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#433622 - 05/05/13 03:27 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 125
Loc: Michigan
The thought of death has always felt like something that was coming sooner than later for me. Apparently this is common with PTSD. At times, it felt like it'd be something that would come at my own hand. I have no history of suicidal tendancies or attempts. However, the thought creeps in more often than I'd like.

I can usually clear my mind of them in quick manner. The concern to me is more that I am quite comfortable with the idea of my own death. The thought of death is that of relief, release, closure.

Quote:
Then, I normally check myself, calm myself back down, try to remember that I have a lot to be thankful for and I go on functioning.... and existing. But the weight of this curse, the burden and the pain of bearing it every day, will bring those thoughts back eventually. Always does.


Bravefalcon said it best above. I have people in my life who love me a whole lot more than I love myself. I do have a lot to be thankful for. But all the same, the burden of this curse will bring this back time and time again.

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#433670 - 05/05/13 11:55 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
"An anxiety and a dread that things could get really bad again." I know this feeling all too well. That is the thing about suicidal thoughts it's not that people want to die it's that they don't want to feel like they feel and see no other way to escape their pain. Recovery is possible but not everybody knows that and often it is hard for them to really believe it.
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"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#433708 - 05/06/13 06:33 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1204
Loc: New York
That's very well said Publius, it's an escape from the pain that one is going through and they feel they just need some peace, sort of Stop the World I want to get off.

It's been said here on this thread a couple of times that going someplace to calm down and take a break or breath some fresh air is something to do to just forget for a while that pain. I've seen with me that I cannot take my brain off line for even 5 minutes in order to enjoy a sunset or something. My head head after 5 minutes starts to flood with memories of what I did. If I go to work and keep busy I can keep those memories and the pain they cause out. Then I take some meds so I can go to sleep without being waken ever hour with nightmares or flashbacks.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#433805 - 05/06/13 06:37 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Ken.

Been staying away from this thread because it triggered some painful memories in me where I did ponder taking my own life seriously.

I haven't talked to you much. But from some of the replies I've read from you, on my posts and others', I can tell you're an amazing person. You have a soul, and a spirit strong enough to lift others out of their misery, and as hard, slow and excruciating as it may be sometimes, it will lift you up too eventually, through the darkest times, I'm sure of it. As eternal as your pain may seem sometimes, the tides do change...sometimes dramatically when you least expect them to. Please never give up on hope. You are a good person, and life will have things to offer you that will give you meaning and purpose.
_________________________
Husky

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#433808 - 05/06/13 06:46 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: lapchinj]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
I agree--it is the pain one is trying to escape with suicide-the pain of the abuse, the pain of the lost childhood, the pain of loosing oneself, the pain of guilt and shame. These pains are so inbred in us from the time the abuse occurs. For me, I would pray to die and not wake in the morning. But each day I would awake. For some reason within me, despite the pain, the loss of sleep, the feelings of worthlessness I could not do anything to harm myself. I just prayed He would take me, because he knew his Shepherds of the faith had done to me. But I was wrong, I would awake each day. I survived childhood, I survived young adulthood but in mid life I found I had been trapped by those around me, inflicting feelings that I once felt as a child, trapped, scared, confused , lost, not knowing who I was or why the child I buried fought to be in control. When the triggers in the home became so great and the memories and pain of the child were felt, I once again found myself praying not to wake in the morning. But I am here today. That mechanism of survival has been with me a lifetime. I now understand part of my survival was the dissociation, the fugues, the lost time--allowing me to escape the pain of the abuse and possibly allowing the child to seek the love I was not giving. The emotions created from the abuse are so confusing but now I am learning to love myself and the child within. We seem to be reaching a calm, both wanting to be safe and the child in me beginning to understand, through my love, that the love of the abuser was a false love and he does not need those acts to be loved. All this confusion, no wonder victims think of dying, naturally or through suicide. The objective is the same, to be rid of the pain that is so deeply buried within us and the child within.

But in the end, our survival may help others to seek help and see there is hope. I never believed I could help anyone until recently, so please think of the promise you had before the abuse, dig deep and pull it up and look at what tomorrow can be--our possibilities are endless. We just need to escape the clutches of the abuser and those around us who inflict pain that reminds us of those dark days as a child.

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#433835 - 05/06/13 10:13 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1204
Loc: New York
Hey KMCINVA,

It's only my wife that keeps me here. As for helping others, there is nothing that I say that hasn't been said before or will be said after. There is no one that is not replaceable.

I cannot understand that child issue because that kid is me. I did this when I was young not that someone else did it. It's what I was forced to do to others when I was kid. I have no past before 10 years of age. I remember nothing about those years aside from beatings and having to put a pitchfork through some other kid's hand. So my life started at 10 and so did my abuse. I fell in love with my judo teacher even though he pimped me. He was for all intent and purposes my sfather (surrogate father). I have a hard time with that but I still cannot call him and abuser.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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