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#433701 - 05/06/13 05:37 AM What do repressors think of during sex? *TW*
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
*TRIGGER WARNING FOR SURE*


Okay, so I'm a dissociative amnesiac. I can't- still can't- remember my incest by my father. Nada. None of it. What, theoretically, would a person in my shoes think about during sex?

I ask, because continuous rememberers (most of you) sometimes uncontrollably think about your abuse during sex- and some even NEED TO in order to get off.

Did I mention *TRIGGER WARNING*? Well let me again *TRIGGER WARNING*

So, I acted out again tonight. It was with a married couple (HE: 30; SHE:22). I found out eventually, she was letting him have me as a present. She wanted to participate if we could get into a position of him fucking me while I'm fucking her. Instead, the night turned into me going limp once I got near her vagina (VERY frustrating, for someone with as high a libido as I have, who has successfully fucked a woman and enjoyed it), and he just ended up letting me stand there, or lie there, while he probed, rubbed and fucked my lower torso. Please, PLEASE understand I'm not writing this as some kind of sick erotica for my own pleasure. I really wanna understand.

I think of....... it's all a BLUR! I TRY to think of what, theoretically, my abuse might have gone like, I try to think of being prison raped, and a million other scenarios in which I'm being forced to submit to SA. Sick. I know. But also, it's like my brain keeps flipping channels. I great many of these channels are nothing but static. My mind GOES BLANK. And some of these channels are not even sex related. He'll be sucking on me, while I'm thinking about how I'm gonna work my college loan budget out.

This guy was one of the many I talked into pretending he's my dad and he's talking things like "Good boy", "You feel just like your momma", "Don't worry, bud. It'll only hurt at first." Not VIOLENT sorts of things. I suggest very seductive dialogue. And even with him roleplaying, my mind is uncontrollable!! Not a single memory comes back. I don't recognize the acts we're engaged in. Nothing. Everything goes numb and I don't care about anything. I'm just indifferent. So the closer I get to orgasming, the less I care about orgasming. It's very frustrating.

But what bothers me most is the total lack of this causing me to recall memories of my dad sexually using me. I don't remember a damn thing. I don't during sex that should (theoretically) mimic it (with the exception of references to me cumming [I wouldn't have been able to at that age- duh!- totally kills it when he says that])- should remind me of what was done to me a long time ago. Instead I just think about all the stupid crap I just listed. I even think about the fact I'm not causing memories to come back. That just kills me inside. I feel crazy.

So, to my fellow amnesiacs, what do YOU think of during sex?

P.S. I am SOOOO sorry if this was offensive to anyone. I'm sorry. It's something I've been dying to ask, and trying so hard to word it in my head. Again, I didn't mean for this to sound exhibitionistic, like some kind of fucking literotica story. It's not. I'm just really bothered by this. Any beliefs caused by flashbacks I'd had are once again dashed to pieces and I'm left confused: was I really CSA'd? You know?

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#433758 - 05/06/13 01:06 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
This, too, I hate to call so much attention to myself, but this and my other post about my brother, both of these are major, major issues for me right now. And I know answers to either are difficult to come by, but I guess I'm looking for shared experience and even theories (don't be afraid to theorize with me- it's almost like I have an alter who is a cool headed scientist about all of this and nothing gets to him, no matter how difficult- almost- though I don't think it's necessarily a true DID alter- more of a personality I can switch into at will when I need to be free from panic and emotion). I'm just watching both these entries disappear down the hole with no answers. Please, fellas, I know these may be complicated questions I'm asking, but I'll take anything you've got, even if it's just a best guess about both.

I love all you guys. You mean the world to me. And your input has literally saved my life in the past. Not looking for perfect answers- more of a constructive dialogue about what the truth might be in either of these: why abusive sex doesn't cause memory recall, and how my dad could have done what he did when my older brother and I always shared a bedroom.

Bryan

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#433764 - 05/06/13 01:25 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
You seem to think it is your father and that you've acted out in ways to try and trigger a memory. I understand that need, but approaching this from the perspective of an adult is where you're going wrong.

A child whom is being sexually abused often doesn't know that what's happening is rape or sex. They don't understand the mechanics, the reasoning, the benefits (as it's a negative experience often) and if they do get pleasure it's often immensely confusing and just as damaging. Yet an adult, knows whats sex is fundamentaly. You understand these things and in your perfectly reasonable logic you have thought 'ah maybe this will cause a trigger and help me remember.'

You were NOT an adult when this occured. You're mind at that age would not have attributed this memory to sex if you weren't of an age to understand it, which by reading you're other posts - you weren't. Instead the event would be attributed to a different memory, which is often why many people are triggered by smells, places, sounds and touching certain textures.

These memories are not triggered conciously either. If you go looking for a memory, you will be knocking on closed doors. The only thing of opening this doors is often a strong trigger, that bombards its way through an realises the information. But it almost always happens when you least expect it. Of course people learn what triggers them eventually and I think you were trying to see if this would do anything. And the fact it hasn't seems to have annoyed you.

I hope that helps

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#433766 - 05/06/13 01:44 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
LAD,

As you know, I am here for you on this. I think your dick going soft as you were acting out is a clear indication that your body is not happy with you doing this sort of thing. Especially someone with hyper-arousal tendencies such as yours.

*Trigger Warning*

Listen to your dick. If he goes limp on you, then you should stop the acting out, find your pants and then find the door. In the past, I have found ways of ending an acting out episode that doesn't go as I had hoped or planned. Crying in the middle of it always works.

In the past, I have acted out and when things are happening that *feel* like the abuse that I don't remember, I tell myself, "OK, this is it. Remember?" And I don't.

The abuse recreation, which I am convinced that I do to try remember what happened, has never helped in memory recovery for me.

The things that I have pieced together in generating the conclusions about my perp have all occurred when I was fully clothed in nonsexual situations. They have been "eureka" moments that have not involved sex.

I am sorry I don't have better answers for you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433770 - 05/06/13 02:29 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
The abuse re-creation, in my opinion, is a lie. And it triggers. My "big brother" abuser next door was caught molesting little girls in our neighborhood and no one knew I was also being molested. So I was charged by the adults to be his little buddy and keep him away from the girls. He would have me alone and tell me he was having a hard time keeping away and wouldn't I please show him how to self-stimulate (not the exact phrase he used but close enough). Next thing I know he's on top of me all over again, but still pretending it was a lesson. "Like this, Eirik?," he'd say into my ear in quickened breaths.

So yeah - right. It does trigger. As if sex was a clinical and objective exercise. I never answered him back. I was too busy being raped to examine the finer points of a sexual lesson he pretended I was giving him, and he was too busy having his fun to really care anyways.

Cant said it best - the most illuminating moments are standing up with our clothes on. Sex, like cocaine, lies. In fact, the truest moment in sex is the first 30 seconds after orgasm. That's when you ask, "So what did I learn?" I suspect little more than how to get out the door as quickly as possible.

Sex to a child? Think jelly donut. That great sweet filling in the adult had a well-baked pastry around it. In a child it's just raw dough. The sweet jelly may still appeal to the child's senses but the donut is just all wrong. And the child knows that. But the adult doesn't care. As children, we just processed it completely different than the adult. So do re-creation scenarios have any validity? Well, I don't know, but I can say that my therapist never recommended it.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#433776 - 05/06/13 03:19 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:57 PM)

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#433780 - 05/06/13 03:54 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
I agree to bodyguard8367 what he said.

LAD you shared so much about your compulsive risky behavior with us for some time now and it seems it is repeating with time in cycles like all acting out and with some patterns.

I know that you are looking for some answers and memories trough such discussion among other things. How about trying to understand why is all that happening to you? I mean you must be in some emotional turmoil when you are looking for such things to happen, is there some pressure building inside and suddenly you need to do it and can't prevent it? What emotions you feel when before you are searching for it, can you think?
Are you looking for ways to stop it or change it somehow?

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#433796 - 05/06/13 05:34 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Poorsoft

You are DEAD ON accurate with everything you just said. I won't say I've NEVER thought of it that way (that I saw/felt it much differently as a child and sex as an adult is not necessarily going to even be filed under the same category) but hearing someone else say it makes me all the more sure that this is very true. Thank you. Yes I am very annoyed (to put it mildly), but it's clear that sex will not bring my memory back in all likelihood. Though, I should point out, that's not the chief reason I act out- it's just always something I'm thinking might happen (total recall) while acting out. Thanks.

cant_remember

"In the past, I have acted out and when things are happening that *feel* like the abuse that I don't remember, I tell myself, "OK, this is it. Remember?" And I don't."

*WHAM!* You hit me right between the eyes with that. Exactly. Exactly how I feel.

And like you, the fragments that have come back, have come back while I'm fully clothed, usually at night right after just climbing into bed. If anything is a trigger, it's my bed, in the dark, at bedtime. There have been periods lasting several months where I was getting body memories ALL day long. I don't know what was making those happen. It's stopped for a long time.

And I definitely know what you mean about instinctively knowing "how it's *supposed* to feel" if I take your meaning correctly. I know, but I don't. I hate being in the dissociative amnesiac category.

Your answer was perfect, actually.

Chase Eric

"As children, we just processed it completely different than the adult."

I really need to take a good long time to sit and contemplate all the ramifications of this. I've heard of 5 year olds telling their mom their father raped them with words like "Daddy was hurting me" or "being mean to me". So, it's clear that me having sex now can't truly put me back into the headspace of my little 5 year old self. It's just not the same thing, and I don't know why I keep trying with it. I swore last week would be the last time I acted out, but then I went ahead and did it last night. But then again, my acting out is not all 100% just to trigger more memories to come back. It's self-harm and it's.... well... sex. In a confusing amalgamation.

I will try raising this issue with my therapist on wednesday. But I guess I'm always afraid of people telling me that if I have to do this to make myself remember that I'm really just making the whole thing up. I'm so afraid of being told that. Maybe it's true? Still don't explain the body memories, though. Maybe I'm schizophrenic?

The only thing that's different for me, CE, is that sex is not triggering at all (in the sense of evoking flashbacks)- it's numbing. It simply numbs me out, and my mind is averting its gaze every which way very rapidly trying not to see what I and my sexual partner are doing.

bodyguard8367

"1) Many CSA Survivors stop developing when they are abused and so exhibit marked differences in the way they approach sex and life."

Like an impulsive 5 year old, I deleted a years worth of posts on MS. ALL of them. Cant and some others have made me see the light of day: that was actually quite self-centered. Others who will come the same way I have could have benefited even from posts made while I don't remember, and you awesome guys poured your hearts out in replying to me. I didn't even think of that. 5 year olds are kind of self-centered. Well, cuz all you know at that age is your own little world. It's not til you get older that you start thinking of yourself as part of a community.

I'm chagrined that I deleted some 700 posts. I promise not to ever do that again, no matter how painful some of my posts will be to go back and read. No matter how afraid of- frankly- the EMBARRASSMENT of perhaps finding out I was never CSA'd at all and this has all been a wild goose chase. Hey, even then, more people in that situation will come to this site down the road and my posts will serve as a record to them of what may be going on with them. Assuming I'm completely wrong and there is nothing for me to remember- nothing buried in my subconscious. Just an overactive imagination. But I have good reason, I think, to doubt that's the case.

Pero

"LAD you shared so much about your compulsive risky behavior with us for some time now and it seems it is repeating with time in cycles like all acting out and with some patterns."

Okay, I guess I have been blind to that. I think I needed to hear that. It's harder to see myself the way I really am with such wild mood swings and confusion. Which I why I love all you guys and that you can see what I cannot in myself.

"I mean you must be in some emotional turmoil when you are looking for such things to happen, is there some pressure building inside and suddenly you need to do it and can't prevent it? What emotions you feel when before you are searching for it, can you think?
Are you looking for ways to stop it or change it somehow?"

Usually, it feels to me like I'm looking for some perfect experience, like what I imagined anal rape would feel like when I was 9. I just had this strong feeling (knowing?) of what it would feel like, and every time I go to act out it is primarily because I'm looking for that anal orgasm, which I somehow have always known what it would feel like. Does that make sense? That's primarily why I do it. And then at the back of my mind is always the assumption that if I can just make it feel the way I remember it feeling (????) I'll remember who did it to me first and when. Is it normal for a 9 year old boy to get jittery and excited at the thought of a grown man anally raping him? Well, that was me at 9. And that excitement so frightened me, due to knowing it would be wrong, that I would do all sorts of OCD rituals and such to push those feelings back down, and pray to God for forgiveness for even thinking such an evil thing. I felt no matter how much I asked God for forgiveness a sudden arousal at the thought of being anally raped would overpower me and undo all of my repentance and asking for forgiveness, and I'd be left feeling like such an inherently dirty person. Ugh. I feel like I'm babbling. This is so hard to explain.

Anyway, thanks guys, for listening and offering your advice. I will NOT be deleting this. I'm sorry for being so self-centered and destroying all your heartfelt answers when I posted in the past and deleted everything.

Bryan

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#433902 - 05/07/13 04:06 PM Re: What do repressors think of during sex? *TW* [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:58 PM)

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