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#433683 - 05/06/13 01:49 AM I hear the dialogue from the assaults
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I am tired.

Tired of the repeating internal dialogue that has started from all those times and how its running through my head. Tired. Fuckin' tired. I hear them say the words at four...at 8 and 9... and 12 and how the older guy started at 13 with touching me.....at fourteen telling me what to do, how nice it is and how good it feels..... how big i am...... for four long years and I can't get the words to stop and then the last assault... get your ass up and go clean off.....and how i stumbled drugged into the bath and washed off...... i just am tired.

Its okay to admit to being tired, right? And its okay not to have a positive in a post, right? I am just having a not so great evening because I am processing. The Big Guy will be back when the sun comes up and will take control and most of this negative stuff will be filed appropriately away as its given its just moment in the healing process, right?
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For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#433686 - 05/06/13 02:02 AM Re: I hear the dialogue from the assaults [Re: ThisMan]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
It is OK to feel down and to express negative thoughts and emotions here.

This isn't just for rah-rah stuff, but for the bad stuff too.

You have every right to be tired.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433713 - 05/06/13 07:42 AM Re: I hear the dialogue from the assaults [Re: ThisMan]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
B

I know how you feel. YES for crap sake it is alright to just get tired of it all every now and again. You would not be human if you didn't.

So thanks for being real with us. No one can live through what we did and be 'up' all the time. You were starting to make the rest of us look bad. wink

Healing is so often described as a rollercoaster for a reason ... ups and downs...this was/is a down ... hang on and an up will come around the next bend.

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#433721 - 05/06/13 08:52 AM Re: I hear the dialogue from the assaults [Re: ThisMan]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Sometimes I think life gives you a set a circumstances in which despite the nagging horrors your past, you always have to be the strong one, to not show weakness, to always have the positive face on, etc. I think there's nothing wrong with letting your guard down and admitting that you're tired of it all. It is an exhausting process.
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Husky

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#433735 - 05/06/13 10:08 AM Re: I hear the dialogue from the assaults [Re: ThisMan]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
thank you for being open, honest about how you're feeling.

for what it's worth, i'm processing too. i just journaled what you posted here. i am so very very tired. physically, emotionally... it's draining, exhausting.

thank you ThisMan.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#433864 - 05/07/13 09:12 AM Re: I hear the dialogue from the assaults [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
... group hug from me.... (((( U )))). I know we all get tired of the replays and the emotions and the scenes replaying over and over. This is the first period of time that the scenes and the characters are interplaying with the voice overlays... and incorporating my true emotions. It almost as if I am present for the first time while the events are happening. Oh, but for a day of dissociation. Thought I might feel better by now, but fuck, guess it will take a few more days. And on the fuckin' positive note that is engrained in me... and I know its just like "shut the f up b"... but... feeling better is something to look forward to....lol.
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For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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