I'm not intending to argue, Lucy. The control is his refusal to do anything. Not tolerating intolerable behavior is spot-on solid. Absolutely. We can understand what drives it all we want, and it doesn't change their willingness until they hurt enough themselves to change. Understanding is for us, and we can have compassion while still enforcing self-protective boundaries. Nothing excuses the acting-out, and in my opinion, it is an asshole behavior when it's planned and has an emotional involvement, regardless of shame driving it, and regardless of other motives. I threw away the compulsion argument when I saw that he groomed potential GF's as 'friends' regularly. It didn't stop him, but it opened my eyes, and like you said, drove me to be better for myself in many ways.
It's kind of like the old AA saying that people don't see our motives; all they see are our actions. So true. You can hate the addiction, yes. It hurts, it destroys, it kills. You have a right to be in a safe, secure marriage, no matter what or whether his recovery is happening or not. But, the Three C's still apply. Hoping he'll change is still holding out for the "cure" part of that to happen, and can be (but isn't always) a way to avoid the reality that right now, right this minute, he might not be changing at all. Can we spouses/partners live with that reality?
When we stick to our boundaries, it can cause strife, because we're changing for our protection. (I know you know that, I'm adding that for any newer members.) Boundaries are for our safety, not to convince them to change. Inside, are you holding out hope that it will happen soon, that he'll embrace therapy, dump her and get it together & start truly healing? For me, that was the one question I didn't want to see: was I holding out hope that I could "help" him get to a point of wanting healing? Was I prepared to go to any lengths to protect the marriage and especially to protect myself emotionally in the meantime? In my case, I had had inconsistent boundaries, and that had played a part in the breakdown of our dynamic. I no longer could blame the collapse of the marriage on his refusal to address his own stuff. It hurt like hell.
I'm sorry you're hurting, and I'm sorry I seem to have contributed to that some. You're a strong, awesome, amazing woman who does deserve better than the treatment you're getting. you deserve to be fully loved, cared for and to have true intimacy. I want that for you.