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#433537 - 05/04/13 05:56 PM Breaking Down
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
I really, really did not expect it, but it happened today. And I just don't normally break down, even if the going gets really tough - I complain, I get angry or sad or frustrated or whatever, but the last time I broke down was maybe 5/6 years ago.

It happened in the strangest of ways today...

I was strolling around in Switzerland - some place to break down, I know...I came to this quiet place by the lake, and it was pretty gorgeous, a set of cascading mountains, just as the sun was setting and getting dark...I sat by the shore, and, all of a sudden I heard a voice in my head saying, "Say it, you know you've been wanting to say it..." And then, I said it..."I don't deserve all this because I've become so dirty." I'm getting a bit teary even as I type this. I kept repeating it to myself, "I'm dirty, I'm dirty...I've become so dirty..." and it just broke a dam in my head. I remembered back to the times when I could enjoy looking at beautiful things for hours on end without having things bother me mentally - I've lost that. I cried, no...wept, for a good few minutes by the lake. Luckily I was alone - at least that I was aware of...maybe that's why I could finally cry. All that beauty in front of me, but I couldn't enjoy it, because my head had become so packed with negativity - from the CSA, and from just mean people who've smelled out my weaknesses and been bringing me down these past few years. Intrusive images or thoughts always pop up in my head when I'm trying to enjoy something, whether it's listening to good music or enjoying the outdoors - and I guess today I finally acknowledged that things were tough by breaking down.

I'm still trying to take positives from this, as hard as it is. I think times like this are kind of a pivotal point, at which the beliefs you form may shape you for the rest of your life. So many things have come to mind since. THEY'RE the dirty people, it's THEIR morals that were bent. As far as I know, I treated them with respect, and it wasn't reciprocated. I wasn't born dirty, I don't deserve the disrespect. I have rights to privacy and boundaries, to protect my body and mind. It's tough pounding these truths into my head, but I guess the difficulties in hammering those points home just show how severely CSA and post-CSA abuse have wrecked my psyche.
_________________________
Husky

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#433539 - 05/04/13 06:08 PM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
YES

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#433547 - 05/04/13 06:55 PM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3399
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
I think times like this are kind of a pivotal point, at which the beliefs you form may shape you for the rest of your life. So many things have come to mind since. THEY'RE the dirty people, it's THEIR morals that were bent. As far as I know, I treated them with respect, and it wasn't reciprocated. I wasn't born dirty, I don't deserve the disrespect. I have rights to privacy and boundaries, to protect my body and mind.


husky - this IS important - and something to be remembered and repeated and cultivated/nurtured/guarded/cherished. one of those watershed experiences that my T describes when he repeats his mantra - "YOU HAVE TO OWN IT (the bad feelings in 2nd paragraph) BEFORE YOU CAN DISOWN IT (your realizations in the 3rd paragraph.)

i encourage you to accept and internalize all the pristine and majestic beauty you saw around you - and that affected you so deeply. picture yourself as one with it - it is your natural state - as you were created to be. and the foul acts and intents of those who would defile that beauty have as little permanent power to change your essential nature as the clouds that momentarily obscure the sun. even the mountains are subject to erosion and outside forces that change their original appearance - but remain beautiful in spite of it. at least that is the way i see it. you can be restored.

Lee


Edited by traveler (05/04/13 06:55 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#433565 - 05/04/13 10:28 PM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
you deserve every bit of joy that comes your way.
in fact, you double deserve it.

people always say you gotta learn to take the bad with the good.
for sa survivors, it is often the opposite.
we have to learn to take the good with the bad.

i have a similar problem.
i cannot look at something as beautiful as a child without remembering that children are so often victims.
i can see nuclear war in a sunset.
when i view a city skyline, i picture an earthquake and rubble.
i sit on the beach, and i imagine tsunamis.
when i go for a nice hike in the woods,
i keep thinking about the fact that the soft forest floor is a layer of decomposition and death.
i took up scuba diving,
and all i saw down there was a vicious life and death struggle between predator and prey.
it's a fish eat fish world.

one of my therapists once told me something like this...

"you know how to give. you know how to take.
now you have to learn how to accept and receive."

i guess it has something to do with control as usual.
accepting and receiving are passive actions.
they made me feel "weak" and "vulnerable".

joy is all around us, we just need to fix our filters.

hope that helps.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#433568 - 05/04/13 10:43 PM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
I heard a voice in my head saying, "Say it, you know you've been wanting to say it..." And then, I said it..."I don't deserve all this because I've become so dirty."

Hey Husky,

From my own experience, I believe that voice is that of your abuser, the words he instilled in you through his actions. They've been embedded in your mind, an underlying belief about yourself that influenced your life in so many ways, for so long. Expressing them outloud IS a pivitol moment. You can now begin the process of changing those beliefs to positive ones, as others have said above.

For myself, that voice is still there, but its only a whisper, and one I can shut down fairly quickly. I hope you are headed in that direction. Good luck.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#433596 - 05/05/13 05:18 AM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
"You can be restored."
"Joy is all around us, we just need to fix our filters."
"I believe that voice is that of your abuser."

Thanks guys. I know I've been hogging the forum lately...thanks for putting up with that and helping me process a lot of different/difficult things.

Husky
_________________________
Husky

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#433601 - 05/05/13 08:07 AM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
You havent been hogging the forum man.

I've been reading your posts and I can see that although you're going through a lot, you're also doing well to mend the wounds that have been afflicted.

Self discovery is vitally important for it to work and by writing here you're doing it very well indeed.

keep it up, go easy on yourself

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#433674 - 05/06/13 12:36 AM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
You know, Husky... You are not hogging the forum- to underscore Poorsoft. I also read your postings and as you heal, you have no idea how you are helping me- and the others I am certain. I fight this fight of feeling dirty almost daily, even in the mist of what I once considered beautiful- just as you said. It's getting better and not lasting as long, but I do fight it. And I teared for you, thinking of you sitting there weeping amidst all of this magnificence. You are correct. You weren't born dirty and you are more than worthy of respect . And yes, you deserve the right to establish the boundaries that were crushed for you. Yes, sir. You deserve to stand tall and relish in the beauty around you and in the beauty within you.

And I learned something new tonight I had not heard before. It really describes how life has unfolded........ there was the abuse of the CSA... as you say...with all its harm .... and then the abuse of the "post CSA"... that harm caused because we were the victims of CSA. I knew all this, but I had never heard it referred to as post-CSA. And here I sit, decades later, understanding that I am reaping the effects of abuse post-CSA. And hey, I am not so different after all.

Your self realizations are tremendous and inspiring.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#433684 - 05/06/13 01:50 AM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
keep on hoggin'
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#433725 - 05/06/13 09:13 AM Re: Breaking Down [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3399
Loc: somewhere in Africa
husky - you help many of us. when i say positive and affirming things to you, it helps me believe them about myself.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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