I'm on anti-depressants so I find it hard to masterbate for the quick release as they seem to work as a numbing agent.
But if I watch glory hole straight sex videos online the effects of the anti depressants don't seem to frustrate me and leave me desperate to ejaculate. Without the pornography it can take me over 40mins but with it less than 5 mins.
Triggers- I think this type of pornography appeals to me due to my CSA 14-21 yrs old at the hands of my uncle as I would often sit on his lap when he masterbated me. Or if he wanted to suck me off I would put a pillow over his face as I never wanted to see his face and especially with the oral sex I would never let him know I enjoyed any of it. It was all just to fulfil what he wanted. So I guess the idea of sexual acts with no sound and no revealed faces is ingrained in me a bit. I'm still a virgin at 24 I'm hoping to start with relationships and sexual contact with women soon when I'm a bit more stable and once the trial against my perp is over hopefully within next 4 months.
I'm only starting to think more about the sexual acts my perp did with me as the first 1.5 years of my recovery I have not seemed to get angry at the acts (they happened 100's of times) more angry at the emotional trauma of betrayal, being robbed of 7 years of my life and the control he had over me. I was 14 years old- sexually clueless he manipulated me, groomed me, controlled me and because there was no penile penetration I felt it was less bad I guess. Sure I must of been afraid of being found out by my Dad, Im not entirely sure on my thoughts at the time. I guess I looked at the 1hr or so sexual acts with my perp a day as something that had to just be done and over with. If I wanked him off quicker the quicker it was over ect. Bit like how I had school 9am-3pm every day so I also had 1hr or so of csa a day or every few days. Re-reading that last sentence does add to my explosive anger but last few days I'm not as mad, sure Im still pissed off just not boiling point.
I've cut down on my porn watching. I know it is wrong but I am impulsive, obsessive and compulsive at times (also gambling addiction, nail cutting so they bleed to self sabotage). I'm hoping now I see the similarities of glory hole and anonymity of sexual pleasure/release by not putting a person/face/ to the act I hope I can refrain from this in the future.
Edited by takingitslow (05/04/13 10:37 AM)