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#433395 - 05/03/13 12:58 PM Now what?
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
How do I begin to move past the fact that I am slowly waking up in a world where I am an abused man. A childhood stolen, grew up way too quick. How do I grieve while being at work, while being at home, while being at play? How do I be sad and grieve?

I am depressed, sad, my hope for a full family, happy and real... gone. My positive childhood memories now clear. I had an awful childhood.

I'm a Sales guy and I can't be positive and chipper... it's fake. I am not positive and chipper. I am angry and sad. But it pays the bills and makes therapy possible. So how do I be real in all aspects of my life?

Fuck it. I don't care. I just want to be real, genuine and honest. How do I do THAT?
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#433400 - 05/03/13 01:19 PM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Survivor92,

Your job as a sales person may be at odds with being real, genuine, and honest depending upon how bad you want to make the sale. smile But it sounds like you're struggling with the difference between what you are (not always chipper), what you have to be for work (upbeat), and what you want to be (real). My answer to your question is actually within your post...therapy. Within a therapeutic environment with someone who possesses the quality of being genuine, it is most likely that you'll develop that quality, with time and effort of course.

Caz
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#433440 - 05/03/13 10:09 PM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1588
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
How do I grieve while being at work, while being at home, while being at play? How do I be sad and grieve?......So how do I be real in all aspects of my life?

Hey CSASURVIVOR1992,

You are on the right track, asking the right questions. Grieving is part of the work of recovery, feeling the pain we've surpressed all those years, and mourning for the childood (and for some, most of adulthood) that was lost.

For me, eventually the grieving and pain were reduced to a managable level and I am starting to move on with my life. But in the meantime, being REAL, meant being sad when I felt sad, being angry when I felt angry, being whatever it was I was feeling, with no facade. And never giving up on the hope of a different kind of life for myself.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#433473 - 05/04/13 07:06 AM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
How do I begin to move past the fact that I am slowly waking up in a world where I am an abused man. A childhood stolen, grew up way too quick. How do I grieve while being at work, while being at home, while being at play? How do I be sad and grieve?

I am depressed, sad, my hope for a full family, happy and real... gone. My positive childhood memories now clear. I had an awful childhood.

I'm a Sales guy and I can't be positive and chipper... it's fake. I am not positive and chipper. I am angry and sad. But it pays the bills and makes therapy possible. So how do I be real in all aspects of my life?

Fuck it. I don't care. I just want to be real, genuine and honest. How do I do THAT?
You just did THAT wink

That post was real, genuine and honest. You don't need to ask our advice for something that you clearly do.

Believe in yourself. Meet yourself, identify the good and the bad experiences that have shaped you into the person you are today.

We are called survivors, because many of our brothers and sisters do not survive. It takes great strength, intellect, emotional management and effort to get to the moment your eyes scanned over these very words. Think about the time between then and this very moment. It is a success to survive and it also a great thing that at a young age you are conquering and confronting these issues.

Look around this forum, so many of us wish they could have dealt with it when they were younger, you are in that position now.

It will take time, go easy on yourself.

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#433482 - 05/04/13 07:54 AM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I would like to see a poll on this site asking how many CSA survivors find customer service jobs (where they have to fake being happy) frustrating to the point of wanting to quit.

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#433490 - 05/04/13 09:24 AM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
My first real job was in customer service. A lot of my colleagues seemed to take things personal all the time, they would constantly get into pointless arguments with the customers. I wouldn't, I didn't care, even if I was getting abuse shouted at me, I would be firm, polite and logical. It was as if I shut myself off.

Mind you, I think that just comes with painting the personality for the situation. I have a personality for my friends, for my jobs, my family and when I'm alone.

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#433495 - 05/04/13 09:46 AM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1139
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
How do I begin to move past the fact that I am slowly waking up in a world where I am an abused man. A childhood stolen, grew up way too quick. How do I grieve while being at work, while being at home, while being at play? How do I be sad and grieve?

I am depressed, sad, my hope for a full family, happy and real... gone. My positive childhood memories now clear. I had an awful childhood.

I'm a Sales guy and I can't be positive and chipper... it's fake. I am not positive and chipper. I am angry and sad. But it pays the bills and makes therapy possible. So how do I be real in all aspects of my life?

Fuck it. I don't care. I just want to be real, genuine and honest. How do I do THAT?


This is not easy and it's something I've had to get good at as all of my work experience has been in fields where I had to deal with customers and/or clients in some way. Being real, genuine and honest about how you feel is important in life, especially as a CSA survivor, but you need to be able to compartmentalize that from your working life and that is the hard part. When you're working, in a way, you almost have to think of yourself as an actor in a play. You have to "get into character." The "character" you are playing is that of the happy, chipper salesman or customer service guy and it is no more the real you than James Bond is the real Daniel Craig. It's not always easy but I've had to learn the art well to do my jobs effectively over the years.

By the way, I was just having a conversation about this with my brother's ex-boyfriend the other day. I told him I sometimes get really sick of "faking nice" to people all day, every day, for years and years of my life. He then said, "For me, it's not faking nice that's so soul-sucking, it's faking happy." When he said that, I realized that he was right. Faking nice isn't the problem. I'm a nice person anyway. I don't have to fake nice. Faking happy is what sucks and it can be hard. Good luck working on that. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#433499 - 05/04/13 10:07 AM Re: Now what? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3433
Loc: O Kanada
you hit the nail on the head with that remark, ken.

you can fake nice without faking happy.
whenever i am told to put on a false front to hide my true self, i immediately flash back to my abuser and his super nice guy charisma conjob he pulled on me and many others.
i am more than reluctant to deceive, for fear that i am becoming a predator.
but on the other hand, most "normal" people cannot handle my intensity,
so some type of conscious concealment of my feelings is needed for the sake of unavoidable social interaction.
i simply cannot be 100% honest with other people,
or some very bad reactions would occur.

i treat every stranger as a potential enemy worthy of respect,
until he proves to be a friend worthy of trust.
this way nobody gets hurt.

dear csasurvivor1992,

i can only sell products i really truly believe in.
then i end up getting too pushy,
because i can't understand why the customer won't buy it.
so i start to take it personal.
if the product is good, then it must be me he is rejecting.
even if i do make the sale,
i can't stop selling, even after the sale has been made.

never was a good salesman.

i have already failed, where you have already succeeded.
that is a remarkable talent you have, csasurvivor1992.
no matter what business you are in, you have to be a salesman.

sales is an essential survival skill which i lack.
it is hard to put a smile on like a mask, but it is required and expected of everyone.

i do not do well in office environments, small talk and light conversation are next to impossible for me.
even with maximum effort, i still speak inappropriately, out of turn, off topic.
i am told to shut up on a regular basis.

my wife says i am socially retarded. she is right.
i don't know how i ever managed to convince her to marry me.
it took seven years of dating and several proposals before she finally agreed.

i can be courteous, but as soon as i feel the slightest bit of rejection... see you later.
i do not go where i am not wanted. my pride and my pain dictate my employment.
i would rather be rejected for who i am, than accepted for who i am not.
this saves me a lot of acting, but loses me a lot of money.

i have not had a real job since 1988. i am perpetually unemployed as a musician/stagehand.
always looking for my next gig. i can only commit on a project by project basis.
the longest production i have every stuck with was 70 days, and i had a meltdown after only 60.
i stuck it out to the finish, but never took a long haul like that again.
poverty has become a way of life for me, and i have mastered the art of low overhead.

options + priorities + abilities = decisions + actions + consequences

i have lost a lot of jobs throughout the years because of my emotional issues.
i am the last person you should listen to, if you want to keep your position and income steady.


i just hope you find your true desire and make that your goal.
only you know for certain, what you really want, but it takes some serious consideration.
no man can serve two masters.

hope this helps.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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