God, what a fucking hellish day today was. Not for any of the reasons discussed in this thread. Just a long, terrible, frustrating day. The vacation I'm going on in two weeks can't fucking come soon enough.... (sigh).
Anyway, I used to think I was only suicidal when I wanted to actively participate in the suicide. I have learned in therapy that if I do not want to be alive in the morning, that is suicidal.
Hi Genedebs. Ok, not a bad point. By this rational I am still suicidal a lot. I suppose my definition of suicidal has always been when you are actively fantasizing about killing yourself or are planing it in your mind, even if you're pretty sure you're not going to go through with it. Also, if you are committing self-injurious acts out of internalized anger and self-hatred. By my definition, I am rarely suicidal these days. By your definition, I feel suicidal almost every day. Not all day, every day, but I have my moments and they are frequent.
I know there are days when I can't Function and Exist, without intrusive thoughts over taking me, and interfering with my function. Which just reinforces the idea that I am worthless, which returns me to the anger and rage that I am damaged and ...
Yeah, I feel you. I "function and exist" fairly well these days and manage to do so in spite of feeling these things on a daily basis but that is partly because I have to. I have gotten good at it because I don't have a choice. I have rent and bills and a car note to pay and roommate who relies on me. No matter how badly I don't want to get out of bed and get through another day sometimes, I do, because the alternative is not an option. When I say "get through another day", that is exactly what I mean, because that is what most days feel like. I make myself get up, I make myself function, I make myself get through another day. There is no other choice. That's not to say that intrusive thoughts and feelings don't overtake me and interfere with my functioning. They do, which is probably why I fuck up at work a lot more than most people, but I do manage to keep my head above water somehow.
Journaling is one of the best forms of therapy that I have found. Keep physically active---exercise is good for body and mind. Take a hike up Kennesaw Mountain...or walk along the Chattahoochee River. There's a bamboo forest at one spot that is very peaceful and a good place to clear your mind. I'm not particulalry religious, but I find the natural world is very inspiring.
Thinking on an earlier conversation we had...go watch a comedy show live...remember their act is often cathartic for themselves...and hopefully the audience as well. An old acquaintance of mine used to go to a Waffle House for pie and coffee with a group of old men. He's my age, but he felt better after talking to them about love, life, war, politics...he said their age wasn't depressing because their life experience was so deep.
My point is, inspiration and hope show up in odd places. It's just as peculiar as despair and anger that blow in through open windows before moving on.
I like your posts...they are funny and insightful...you have a way of getting to the heart of the matter. You're an asset to MS. If something is bothering you, let us know. I don't have a PhD on my wall, but I can listen as well as anyone (at least read MS posts)
Hi Will. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. Also, for your suggestions. I already actually do most of those things, other than the journaling. Although, I kind of consider this my journaling. I haven't been to a comedy show in a while but those can get expensive and designated drivers are hard to come by. LOL!
I do find that hiking and getting away from it all, (at times in the very places you mentioned), can help a lot. It clears the mind and makes me feel at peace, if only temporarily. I guess the problem is that peace doesn't come back with me into the rat race, nor does it get rid of the curse. It does help to have those little escapes though and if I didn't have them, I'd eat a fucking bullet tomorrow.
What happened to you and how it affected you is horrible. You would not be human if it didn't cause dark thoughts from time to time. I really enjoy your posts as Will said they are insightful and deep and always with a dash of humour. I understand your need for isolation but you do not have to isolate yourself from us. You can be 'real' with us and we will understand.
Hi Lee. Thank you also for your kind words and your encouragement. Positive feedback helps me to know that I'm not just on here rambling, which I often feel I am. Anyway, I can be as "real" as it is safe for me to be here but probably not as "real" as I would like. Still, I'm glad I have this place now as it is the only therapy I can afford. LOL!
Everyone else has given you great advice - I have nothing to add.
Actually, you had some really nice and thoughtful things to add. Don't sell yourself short. For the things you had to add, thank you.
I think the vast majority of us can relate to this.
Be mindful of how often these thoughts come, especially if the frequency and ferocity of the thoughts increases.
Hi poorsoft. I don't worry about the thoughts that are the most troublesome getting any worse or more frequent. They have been pretty static for a long time. They are part of who and what I am, and they won't go away, but I don't think they'll get worse either. Thanks.
when i was slipping into the negative thought zone a while back,
i put my name in to volunteer at the church, helped some elderly people move.
these days, i am a volunteer for the regional election.
Hi VV. You know, I've actually considered volunteering at a local animal shelter. I love dogs and cats and I think that interacting with them would be a lot of fun. Although, these days I have so little free time that when I get it I just want to relax. So volunteering is probably out. Maybe that's selfish but I can't help it. Good suggestion though and it is something I have considered.
Sometimes for me suicide is the exit I know is always there. I doubt I would ever use it, but sometimes in darker times, it sort of helps for me to know it's there. It exists like an endpoint - that no matter how bad things get, the door is right there, and the bad stuff can't get any worse than just using it. Knowing it's there sometimes gives me the strength to get back in the ring and deal with life. I don't talk lightly about this stuff. My best friend died by his own hand ten years ago this month. To say I learned a lot from that would be an understatement the size of Texas.
Hi Eric. Man, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I can't imagine how that must hurt. When I have been at my most suicidal in the past, thinking about how it would hurt the people who care about me is probably the main thing that has stayed my hand.
I appreciate your insight about knowing how suicide is
an option, can keep any situation from being to scary or overwhelming. Not sure I've ever thought about it that way. It's an interesting perspective for sure. I'll have to process that one some more.
By the way, that's a hell of a story about how you nearly drowned. You are way braver than I am. Even when I have been at my most self-destructive I have always been very cautious about the natural world. Hell, I don't even like to swim in bodies of water where there are other living things swimming around that aren't other human beings. If I had been on that boat, I would have been sitting there with a beer and would have jokingly said something like, "Y'all motherfuckers is crazy
. My ass aint swimmin' out there!" And I wouldn't have. Glad you made it out alive.
BTW, I LOVE
your new avatar. What a powerful statement it makes. So, that's the d-bag on the bottom-right huh? Fuck him! Glad he's rotting where he can't hurt any more kids. Peace,