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#433223 - 05/01/13 11:32 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL

Hi guys. Thank you so much for the awesome replies, the great input/insight and the encouraging and kind words. It really does give me some strength to know there are people out there who are listening, who can identify and who care. I wish I had time to sit here and write out a better and more appropriate reply to you all tonight as I had intended but I got a little bogged down with some things. There was some neighborhood drama over here tonight and whatnot. (Not really bad drama but drama none the less. Unexpected guests and such.) Anyway, I'll reply more when I can. Thanks. Peace,

Ken

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#433341 - 05/02/13 10:40 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL
God, what a fucking hellish day today was. Not for any of the reasons discussed in this thread. Just a long, terrible, frustrating day. The vacation I'm going on in two weeks can't fucking come soon enough.... (sigh). frown

Originally Posted By: genedebs

Anyway, I used to think I was only suicidal when I wanted to actively participate in the suicide. I have learned in therapy that if I do not want to be alive in the morning, that is suicidal.


Hi Genedebs. Ok, not a bad point. By this rational I am still suicidal a lot. I suppose my definition of suicidal has always been when you are actively fantasizing about killing yourself or are planing it in your mind, even if you're pretty sure you're not going to go through with it. Also, if you are committing self-injurious acts out of internalized anger and self-hatred. By my definition, I am rarely suicidal these days. By your definition, I feel suicidal almost every day. Not all day, every day, but I have my moments and they are frequent.


Originally Posted By: genedebs
I know there are days when I can't Function and Exist, without intrusive thoughts over taking me, and interfering with my function. Which just reinforces the idea that I am worthless, which returns me to the anger and rage that I am damaged and ...


Yeah, I feel you. I "function and exist" fairly well these days and manage to do so in spite of feeling these things on a daily basis but that is partly because I have to. I have gotten good at it because I don't have a choice. I have rent and bills and a car note to pay and roommate who relies on me. No matter how badly I don't want to get out of bed and get through another day sometimes, I do, because the alternative is not an option. When I say "get through another day", that is exactly what I mean, because that is what most days feel like. I make myself get up, I make myself function, I make myself get through another day. There is no other choice. That's not to say that intrusive thoughts and feelings don't overtake me and interfere with my functioning. They do, which is probably why I fuck up at work a lot more than most people, but I do manage to keep my head above water somehow.

Originally Posted By: Suwanee

Journaling is one of the best forms of therapy that I have found. Keep physically active---exercise is good for body and mind. Take a hike up Kennesaw Mountain...or walk along the Chattahoochee River. There's a bamboo forest at one spot that is very peaceful and a good place to clear your mind. I'm not particulalry religious, but I find the natural world is very inspiring.

Thinking on an earlier conversation we had...go watch a comedy show live...remember their act is often cathartic for themselves...and hopefully the audience as well. An old acquaintance of mine used to go to a Waffle House for pie and coffee with a group of old men. He's my age, but he felt better after talking to them about love, life, war, politics...he said their age wasn't depressing because their life experience was so deep.

My point is, inspiration and hope show up in odd places. It's just as peculiar as despair and anger that blow in through open windows before moving on.

I like your posts...they are funny and insightful...you have a way of getting to the heart of the matter. You're an asset to MS. If something is bothering you, let us know. I don't have a PhD on my wall, but I can listen as well as anyone (at least read MS posts)


Hi Will. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. Also, for your suggestions. I already actually do most of those things, other than the journaling. Although, I kind of consider this my journaling. I haven't been to a comedy show in a while but those can get expensive and designated drivers are hard to come by. LOL!

I do find that hiking and getting away from it all, (at times in the very places you mentioned), can help a lot. It clears the mind and makes me feel at peace, if only temporarily. I guess the problem is that peace doesn't come back with me into the rat race, nor does it get rid of the curse. It does help to have those little escapes though and if I didn't have them, I'd eat a fucking bullet tomorrow.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
What happened to you and how it affected you is horrible. You would not be human if it didn't cause dark thoughts from time to time. I really enjoy your posts as Will said they are insightful and deep and always with a dash of humour. I understand your need for isolation but you do not have to isolate yourself from us. You can be 'real' with us and we will understand.


Hi Lee. Thank you also for your kind words and your encouragement. Positive feedback helps me to know that I'm not just on here rambling, which I often feel I am. Anyway, I can be as "real" as it is safe for me to be here but probably not as "real" as I would like. Still, I'm glad I have this place now as it is the only therapy I can afford. LOL!

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
Everyone else has given you great advice - I have nothing to add.


Actually, you had some really nice and thoughtful things to add. Don't sell yourself short. For the things you had to add, thank you. smile

Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
I think the vast majority of us can relate to this.

Be mindful of how often these thoughts come, especially if the frequency and ferocity of the thoughts increases.


Hi poorsoft. I don't worry about the thoughts that are the most troublesome getting any worse or more frequent. They have been pretty static for a long time. They are part of who and what I am, and they won't go away, but I don't think they'll get worse either. Thanks.

Originally Posted By: victor-victim
when i was slipping into the negative thought zone a while back,
i put my name in to volunteer at the church, helped some elderly people move.
these days, i am a volunteer for the regional election.


Hi VV. You know, I've actually considered volunteering at a local animal shelter. I love dogs and cats and I think that interacting with them would be a lot of fun. Although, these days I have so little free time that when I get it I just want to relax. So volunteering is probably out. Maybe that's selfish but I can't help it. Good suggestion though and it is something I have considered.

Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
((((Ken))) -

Sometimes for me suicide is the exit I know is always there. I doubt I would ever use it, but sometimes in darker times, it sort of helps for me to know it's there. It exists like an endpoint - that no matter how bad things get, the door is right there, and the bad stuff can't get any worse than just using it. Knowing it's there sometimes gives me the strength to get back in the ring and deal with life. I don't talk lightly about this stuff. My best friend died by his own hand ten years ago this month. To say I learned a lot from that would be an understatement the size of Texas.



Hi Eric. Man, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I can't imagine how that must hurt. When I have been at my most suicidal in the past, thinking about how it would hurt the people who care about me is probably the main thing that has stayed my hand.

I appreciate your insight about knowing how suicide is an option, can keep any situation from being to scary or overwhelming. Not sure I've ever thought about it that way. It's an interesting perspective for sure. I'll have to process that one some more.

By the way, that's a hell of a story about how you nearly drowned. You are way braver than I am. Even when I have been at my most self-destructive I have always been very cautious about the natural world. Hell, I don't even like to swim in bodies of water where there are other living things swimming around that aren't other human beings. If I had been on that boat, I would have been sitting there with a beer and would have jokingly said something like, "Y'all motherfuckers is crazy. My ass aint swimmin' out there!" And I wouldn't have. Glad you made it out alive.

BTW, I LOVE your new avatar. What a powerful statement it makes. So, that's the d-bag on the bottom-right huh? Fuck him! Glad he's rotting where he can't hurt any more kids. Peace,

Ken




Edited by BraveFalcon (05/02/13 11:41 PM)

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#433348 - 05/02/13 11:48 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1443
Quote:
If I had been on that boat, I would have been sitting there with a beer and would have jokingly said something like, "Y'all motherfuckers is crazy. My ass aint swimmin' out there!" And I wouldn't have.

I just let out a giggle that woke up my cat! Thanks for the laugh.

Thanks for the comment on the avatar! It is a picture of me (color) and my abuser (gray scaled) at the time of the abuse. I was inspired to do that when I got back from seeing him for the first time since the abuse. I'm glad you like it - putting his face up here - at least his eyes - shows all of you - my friends - who did it to me. He took a lot from me that summer. But as you can see, not my spirit.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#433373 - 05/03/13 07:24 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 742
Loc: Southeast USA
Ken,

I hope that vacation is good for you. Is it a true, get-the-hell out of Dodge kind of vacation? I don't get one of those for six more weeks. Still, I try to take a mental health day once every so often where I have the day off and NO plans at all. Old war movies, Goodfellas...stuff my wife doesn't watch...or a day paddling a canoe on the lake...whatever happens is what I do.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#433428 - 05/03/13 09:06 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: Suwanee]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
Ken,

I hope that vacation is good for you. Is it a true, get-the-hell out of Dodge kind of vacation? I don't get one of those for six more weeks. Still, I try to take a mental health day once every so often where I have the day off and NO plans at all. Old war movies, Goodfellas...stuff my wife doesn't watch...or a day paddling a canoe on the lake...whatever happens is what I do.


Yeah, it's the get-the-hell out of dodge kind. Will be in Tybee Island, GA from 5/16 to 5/20. I have an aunt and uncle who live on the island, so I can stay there for free. Also, my parents are driving so gas expenses aren't an issue either. I can't wait. Gunna relax on the beach, eat good seafood, maybe do some kayaking on the Back River, drink a bunch of beer, it's going to be nice. Also, Tybee has no open container laws and a bar right on the pier. If drinking a margarita on the beach doesn't make your problems seem like they're a million miles away, nothing will. cool Peace,

Ken

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#433468 - 05/04/13 05:24 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3422
Loc: O Kanada
sorry if this sounds aggressive, but this is how i talk to myself when suicidal thoughts creep into my mind.

this may or may not apply to your situation, so please forgive any unintended insult.

- TRIGGER WARNING -

when i got to the point where i was actually trying to physically act out my self destruct fantasies, i realized a few things during the actual attempt...

if you really want to hurt the people that care about you ( and there are people who care about you ) then suicide is the best way to that.

think hard about your motive.
are you trying to escape your own pain, or are you trying to cause pain?
is this about escape or is it about revenge?
think hard... be honest.

would you kill a child who has just been abused,
in order to spare that child the pain you are experiencing?
do you really thing you have that right?

that child is inside of you right now.

Suicide is Murder.
Are you really a killer?
Suicide is Betrayal.
Are you really a traitor?

you exist, therefore you have been created by something.

The universe is infinitely intricate and vast.
It is not only bigger than we imagined, it is bigger than we CAN imagine.
does this mean you are insignificant because you are so small?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

on the contrary...

because the creator of the universe took precious time from an unimaginably busy schedule
to create the tiny individual YOU, then you must be VERY important.
The least you can do is stick around to find out what that purpose is.

Suicide is the ultimate F___ you to your creator.

-- RELIGION WARNING --

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

http://bible.cc/1_corinthians/10-13.htm

delay delay delay.
pray pray pray.
and you will live
to see a better day.

i offer you this poem i once wrote:

BELIEVE

If reason were master
Overpowered I would cower
In the shadow of divine logic

And if chance ruled
Before it's random precision would
I offer my life in quiet servitude

But I believe that I am more
Than just a leaf in the four
Winds of action reaction chaos and karma

My will is a weapon
With which I wage war
Against dragons and demons
Of dark destiny

My faith is a fortress
Against which cruel forces
Of fate can only lay seige

Until alas
Death does emerge
Victorious at last

As tears and laughter
Merge hereafter
Forever and never

A man

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#433504 - 05/04/13 10:23 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL

Hi VV. Good poem man! I liked it.

Originally Posted By: victor-victim

think hard about your motive.
are you trying to escape your own pain, or are you trying to cause pain?
is this about escape or is it about revenge?
think hard... be honest.


Well, if I were to ever go through with it, which at this point in my life I'm more certain than I've ever been that I won't, it really would be more to end pain. Causing others pain truly is one of the things that's kept me from it in the past. Also, it would be just to quit. Like my existence is pointless and doesn't make any sense other than for me to suffer, so ending it would be the practical thing to do.

One of my favorite stand-up comics, Doug Stanhope, has a bit he did about suicide that I can relate my feelings on the subject to somewhat. He says, "It's sad when kids kill themselves because kids didn't really give life a chance but life is like a movie. If you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second of the way, it's probably not going to get great at the end and make it all worth while. No one should blame you for walking out early."

Originally Posted By: victor-victim
would you kill a child who has just been abused,
in order to spare that child the pain you are experiencing?
do you really thing you have that right?

that child is inside of you right now.


I know, and I don't hate that child, but I often hate what he has become and what he is now. I hate the thoughts in my head and the unquenchable desire for what I can never have. I hate this curse. I want to kill it and the only way to kill it is to kill me. Not that I'm going to but again, that's where my suicidal impulses come from when I have them. I suppose that probably doesn't make sense to anybody but me, partly because I'm the only one who 100% knows what I'm talking about with regards to what goes on in my own head, but there is it. Not much of an explanation, is it? Oh well. Peace,

Ken

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#433506 - 05/04/13 10:30 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Glad you're headed to Tybee Island Ken.

fwiw, the only thot that ever unquestionably nailed it for me when I've been suicidal:

"A permanent solution to a temporary problem."

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#433511 - 05/04/13 12:38 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: Lancer]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

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#433516 - 05/04/13 02:03 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: pufferfish]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL

Originally Posted By: Lancer
Glad you're headed to Tybee Island Ken.

fwiw, the only thot that ever unquestionably nailed it for me when I've been suicidal:

"A permanent solution to a temporary problem."


Yeah, that is what conventional wisdom says but I'm afraid I can only half way agree with it. Some problems are not temporary. Some conditions incurable. When there are things in your mind that can and will torment you until the day you die, dying sooner rather than later can be an attractive option. Not saying anyone, myself included, should kill themselves because of something like that but that is what I'm dealing with.

Originally Posted By: pufferfish


Hi Puff. I'll check the forum out but I doubt I'll post there. At least here I can share most of the things I'm struggling with. Maybe not all of it, but most of it. In a forum that wasn't CSA specific, I'd want to share even less. Not to mention the fact that I already barley have the time to do all the posting I want to do here. Thank you though. Peace,

Ken

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