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#433418 - 05/03/13 07:37 PM Dear Dad
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Whatever it is you seem to be wanting/planning to do to me, when you're coming to my room late at night, staring at me occasionally, staring at me on the couch, taking pictures of me with your phone, whatever it is you're wanting to do, just do it already.

I'm pretty sure I already know what that is. You're gonna come into my room (what I'm pretty sure you used to do to me) and do things to me until I'm awake/half-awake/pretending to be asleep. Just do it. I won't resist you, I won't tell mom, and I will never go to the authorities about you. But all of this on two conditions: never do it to me again, and confess to me EVERYTHING you did to me- when you started, how often, when you stopped- and let me ask questions. All of that and you can do to me whatever you want. You already know I've been letting strangers do it to me.

I'm pretty sure you know that I suspect you. You know that I suspect that ad of your older brother's (my uncle's) was really planted there by you because you panicked after you remembered I was going to see a hypnotherapist that day. That would mean the dialogue I had, using a dummy gmail account, supposedly with my uncle, about roleplaying, was really with you. Either way, your description of what you would do to me rings true with all the body memories I've had for 2 years now. Always beginning with my (ugh, how I've always hated the word) "tummy". Then working your way down.

I love you, dad. How many times have you accused me of hating you? I love you, even in spite of you doing things to me that have destroyed me. Maybe part of me does hate you. But enough of me has unconditional love for you, because you're the only father I'll ever have, and you were once my hero. My ideal. I used to listen to that Righteous Brothers tape you had, and cry singing (of all things) love songs... TO YOU. How twisted is that? An 8 year old singing love songs to his dad? And crying as he does? You twisted my conception of love for you. And you created a part of me that craved your touch- even the bad stuff.

So, since I'm fairly sure you're spying on me and you read these, I hope you read this. You faked that ad. You're spying on me. Mom said she would leave you, then kill you, if it turned out to be you. She vehemently defended you the other day when I told her I suspected you, though. She said she'd leave you/kill you, then when I asked her the elephant-in-the-room questions like how you supposedly just happened to find that ad when you did, she started screaming at me. I calmed her down by lying and saying I no longer suspected you, is what I meant to say. That it was just a passing thought. Then, as I've become an expert at doing (as you've pointed out) I lied. I lied for you. I helped her lie to herself, assuring her you would never do something like that, because... [insert bullshit examples of why you couldn't be a pedophile here].

I don't want her to know. Not yet anyway. On your deathbed we'll talk and decide if you want to confess. Understand, though, this all means I will have to get away from you, and barely speak to you, for a LONG LONG time. If I have kids? They will not see you at all, or their short visits with you will be heavily monitored and supervised. No way in hell are you putting them through what I've been through. And I already know you assume I don't suffer. I FUCKING DO. YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA, BECAUSE YOU DON'T LISTEN.

Your son,
Bryan

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#433425 - 05/03/13 08:58 PM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
LAD (Bryan)

It's difficult to respond to your letter. It's very well written. But it seems to be precariously balanced. You've grown up with this man who has been a strong duality to you. On the one side loved and yet on the other side hated. It must have been very confusing to you. How can you separate love from hate in the same person.

I hope I haven't misspoken.

Puffer

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#433427 - 05/03/13 09:04 PM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Oh my god. Bless you for writing this, Bryan. It must have been so difficult. Thank you for posting it.

Thank you for saying everything I wish I could have said to my dad. Thank you for saying more than I would have been able to comprehend.

Thank you for being brave, and for sharing your courage and vulnerability with me, with everyone here.

Wow. I am lucky to be here now. Breathing deeply and slowly.

Geoff


Edited by GT13568 (05/03/13 09:06 PM)
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#433444 - 05/03/13 10:51 PM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
And yes, Dad, I want to go to the lake with you this weekend. Find a way to leave mom at home. Cuz I want her left out of this. Just you and I, and you (if you decide not to be a coward about this) will be open about our relationship. I want the truth. Your silence is KILLING me- LITERALLY KILLING ME. Do you know that? All the suicide attempts, and substance abuse, overdoses, promiscuity, it could have all been prevented if I knew why I felt the way I did. You may not want to acknowledge the effect your sexual use of me as a child has had on me. Fine. I know it's messed me up. You blame the alcohol and drugs, and my "selfish nature" and the fact I "lie like [I] breathe". Fine. Those actually are all just branches and not the root. The root is the turmoil you've created inside me.

If you read this before tomorrow, take me with you to the lake and find a way to leave mom home. Suggest a "father/son weekend" and that will be an overt signal to me that you're willing to finally open up to me about all this. Please, dad, I need you to. There is good in you. I know there is. I'm appealing to the good in you: repair what you've broken in me. Repair it as well as possible. It is not possible to do it perfectly. You want me to get married, go to college, get a successful career, start playing and writing music again? Then set me free. Ever since the flashbacks started, the weight of this sin has been crushing me. I can think of nothing else. Free me.

Your son,
Bryan

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#433451 - 05/04/13 12:15 AM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
((((((( Bryan ))))))))

PM me if you need me.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433453 - 05/04/13 12:27 AM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3419
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Bryan - this has been a long time in the making.

well done - putting it all into words.

you deserve better.

i hope and pray you get the answers you need.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#433465 - 05/04/13 04:43 AM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
Dear Bryan,

I am a father. I would die protecting my children.
This should NEVER have happened to you.
It goes against every natural instinct.
His actions are a violation of a sacred trust.

Your letter has hit me hard.
Have you delivered it to him?

I want to say something , but I have no idea what I could possibly offer you. I feel powerless after reading this.

I want to help, but I don't know how.
So frustrated, I can barely respond.

I am afraid to speak on this for fear I will make you feel worse. Your pain is screaming out.

This seems very fresh.
Are you seeing a professional counselor?

Please accept my good will and prayers!
Sending out REAL FATHER LOVE to you NOW.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#433467 - 05/04/13 04:59 AM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
You guys, first off, thank you all, second, don't be afraid to say anything to me. I'm sorry it's such a stark post. As some of you know I've written it with the theory that my dad spies on what I write here and elsewhere on the internet, and will read it, so in a sense, victor-victim, yes, I believe I may have already sent it to him.

Right, dad?

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#433497 - 05/04/13 09:58 AM Re: Dear Dad [Re: Life's A Dream]
BraveFalcon Online   content
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1110
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bryan. Wow, this is bold man. Good for you! Fortune favors the bold, does it not? I believe it does and I am hoping with everything in me you get the answers you seek. You deserve to know the truth, whatever that truth may be. I don't know what else to say other than good luck and my thoughts are with you. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#433515 - 05/04/13 01:42 PM Re: Dear Dad [Re: BraveFalcon]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
LAD

Your dad, whom we presume to be following this, in some kind of a protracted chess - type of a game, can't respond openly and positively because he also has people tracking him. He can't reveal himself to them also. So he has to choose to pretend he didn't get your communication, which puts the choice, painful as it might be, back on you.

Puffer

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