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#433334 - 05/02/13 09:31 PM Am I the only one???
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
I sat there listening to the National Day of Prayer today. Not planned at all. I sat hoping for something...??? I turned it off due to commitments.

I came back 30 minutes later, and turned it back on. They were praying now honestly and emotionally, and it drew me in.

Within 20 seconds, I started hearing my own heart-felt resistance. AAAGGHHHHH! I'm not mad at God...just trusting Him seems impossible currently. I told Him, fearfully but honestly. I don't know if it's an abuse thing.......

I realized and admitted to Him that I didn't really believe He loved me.

It's just noone was ever there. God help me. I'm SICK of blaming it all on abuse.....I'm wanting to walk past it....and I'm unsure where I'm supposed to go. I'm SICK of swimming in self pity--I'm SICK of it.

OK, I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF GOD. Simultaneously, I desire His love. What do I do?

Venting here

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#433337 - 05/02/13 09:51 PM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Hi fhorns,

No you are not the only one. I certainly grew up starved for love and susceptible to every predator who came my way. So, one of the chief things we can do is support each other.

The trouble with TV prayer is that we need people. We need someone who can shake our hand or even give us a safe hug every now and then. We need somebody who can give us loving advice.

I know you are an intellectually sharp guy. You have a lot to offer all of us. I haven't seen you online for awhile.

Puffer

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#433338 - 05/02/13 10:03 PM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
Hey Puffer,

Long time, no see.

I even sat in my Celebrate Recovery meeting last Tuesday, felt the same thing, and had a one-on-one with a group leader after.

I admitted I felt defeated. Again and again, I'll go to meetings, have stuff be churned up, will feel vulnerable......and internally will be screaming "NO!! Get BACK! GO AWAY!" I realized this, had to dump it. I'm in this d*** spiral again.

A BIG part of this is the little boy in me is saying "Daddy, are you there....for me? Are you? Are you?"

Mine wasn't.

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#433608 - 05/05/13 11:45 AM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3545
Loc: O Kanada
i am going to church to day.
first time in about a month.

i finally have the will, energy, time, vehicle all at the same time. it is so hard to get to the church i like.
the ones close enough to walk to are not my style.

i do not like big fancy expensive buildings full of weekend believers who let someone else do their bible study and prayer worship for them. spirituality should not be a spectator sport, with big choirs, and christian rock bands. that to me is entertainment disguised as religion.

instead,
i prefer very small (20 to 50 people) gatherings of decent non-judgemental open-minded people who know the truth about me.
i look for quiet prayer-based services, with bible-based sermons. i can trust the bible, i cannot trust a church.
so i read the bible everyday to double-check what i am being told. if the sermon does not match my own interpretation of the bible, i asked questions. if i am not satisfied with the answers, i stop attending. i pray to god for guidance and wisdom regarding who i hang out with. i also attend as many bible study sessions as i can. i look for open honest discussions of controversial passages, and avoid dogmatic patronizing "this is the way it is" studies, where there is obviously an agenda.

i have found only three of these decent churches so far.

when i pray, i tell god everything. EVERYTHING.
what is the point of concealing anything.
if he exists... he already knows.

when i find a congregation i like, i meet with the pastor in private and tell him everything. EVERYTHING.
just as i would a therapist.
if he cannot handle it, you will be able to tell.
if he does not shrink or become distant after this disclosure,
if he has intelligent sensible and caring responses,
then i will continue meeting with his congregation.

most flocks are only as good as their shepherd.

this has worked exceptionally well for me.

thought i would share it with you.
hope this helps you with your search for god.

and finally, i urge you to remember the 2 commandments of jesus.

with love,
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#433611 - 05/05/13 01:03 PM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
To fhorns

It certainly was a significant problem for me. Although I first felt the presence of God when I was 12, I was physically and sexually abused. When I prayed to God I got no help. So just cause God is, doesn't mean he is worth a damn.

I turned to Exodus where the is a list of the attributes of God. He visits the sins of the father unto the third and fourth generation. Oh! I was screwed before my father was born. His father use a strap, my father used his screaming and his hands. I did not in anyway abuse my children. My grandchildren have no idea that there is such a thing to worry about as their abuse.

I made peace with my God when I realized that the next line is
The good unto the righteous for 1000 generations.

The same capacity that we have to learn from our parents the good also means we have the ability to learn the bad. But if we look at the math when it comes to abuse it is clear how this works. One third of the children who are abused will abuse their children. The second generation is 9%, the third generation is 3% and the fourth generation is down to 1%. It really seems to fit with my experience.

I may not be happy with my God (He does not take instruction well.) But I certainly have not done a good job running my life, so I guess he can't screw it up any worse than I have.

May peace be with you.


Edited by genedebs (05/05/13 01:05 PM)

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#433726 - 05/06/13 09:21 AM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Very interested in this thread and reading your comments. Take care bro. Also James 4:7-8.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#434116 - 05/09/13 08:20 AM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Quote:
[quote]...I'm wanting to walk past it....and I'm unsure where I'm supposed to go./quote]


You are not the only one feeling like this, fhorns. Not at all.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#434117 - 05/09/13 08:34 AM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
Mel Navigar Offline


Registered: 03/29/13
Posts: 16
Hi fhorns,

I just saw this post and after reading this. I felt every single word you just said.

This just hit me, " Im not mad at God...just trusting Him seems impossible currently. I told Him, fearfully but honestly. I don't know if it's an abuse thing.......

"I realized and admitted to Him that I didn't really believe He loved me."

But one thing is for sure. You were loved. you just don't know how lovely you are to everyone around you.

Just hang on. As John Mayer says.. “Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding your self that everything happens for a reason.”

if you need someone to talked to. just PM me.I am hear to listen

-Mel

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#434343 - 05/11/13 05:17 AM Re: Am I the only one??? [Re: fhorns]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3545
Loc: O Kanada
god did not rape me. he created me.
he gave me the gift of life.
and the will to be free.
life is short, sweet, brutal, and beautiful.

"There has no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above that you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it."
1st Corinthians 10:13


http://biblehub.com/1_corinthians/10-13.htm
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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