Newest Members
TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo, Laurie
12485 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
era1 (31), GregoryP (50), GregoryParcell (50), junior (54), KDW78 (36), nansogre (48)
Who's Online
5 registered (Shyshark, traveler, BraveFalcon, GummyBear, 1 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12485 Members
74 Forums
64147 Topics
447570 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#433325 - 05/02/13 05:21 PM big triggering ramble
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south


In an effort to not hijack the thread, I pulled the following quote from the "Fake Personality" thread started by Huskey, which if you haven't read, do. It is a very interesting topic supported by interesting perspectives. It made me consider some things I have been told recently concerning my own behavior and personality.

Major RAW Trigger.....

This comment was left by Traveler.

....."just to bring a balance to this - don't feel bad by thinking that you have "attracted" abuse because of your personality. it isn't necessarily true. the perpetrators are hunting for whatever victims they can get."......

I want to elaborate on this with my thoughts, because I still carry the weight of what I have heard several times in my sessions recently of... "what are you doing to cause this". Upfront and honest, when I disclosed the asa, the T said my behavior probably played a part leading up to the assault. Which means what? I trusted too much? My "skirt was too short" ? Which means to me, I played a part leading up to all assaults? Which means I brought it on myself? Which means I am beating myself up AGAIN, because the behavior comment was repeated several times over the months. Which means I did quite naturally carry that into my psychic and back to the csa.

No. I have to say again and again and again so that it becomes a part of me. No. I reject that. AGAIN- my behavior had nothing- NOTHING- to do with being assaulted. NOTHING. Mine didn't, your's didn't. I may have been open to his friendship at every age in which "it" happened. I may have even wanted the relationship at any of those ages. I may have enjoyed the attention at the time. Never did I ask, indicate, or otherwise suggest that he could enter my body with his penis without my permission. NEVER. If it happened when I was not of legal age, it was rape. If it happened when I was incoherent and of age, it was rape.

I guess what I am doing by posting this in words is reminding myself that I was raped. My personality, my behavior didn't play a role in it. I was raped. Clear cut. To the point. Raped. And now the tears. Fuck. I was prey for a fuckin predator. It wasn't my revealing clothing, my personality, my behavior, my excessive beauty. It was my vulnerability. It wasn't my fault........

I'll stop the ramble, but the positive affirmation left by Traveler just made an impact on me. This is the reason I come back to MS. Guys who post here understand how something as simple as a phrase, repeated a couple of times in discussion can undermine a season of healing that has taken place. And how a positive phrase, given at the correct time, can help turn that negative direction around and begin to build us up again.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433326 - 05/02/13 05:41 PM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
(((((( ThisMan )))))))

We are so glad you are here. You've added a great new voice to our recovery chorus.

As we here know all too well, sexual violence is gender neutral and age neutral. It is never the victim's fault for getting raped. Ever. As you now know. But keep repeating it to yourself 1,000 times.

It wasn't my fault; it wasn't my fault; it wasn't my fault.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#433333 - 05/02/13 09:17 PM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Cant-

you are the best of the best. Thank you , guy, for lifting me up. And a thousand times indeed.... it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it w.......

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433340 - 05/02/13 10:23 PM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1477
Originally Posted By: This Man
My personality, my behavior didn't play a role in it. I was raped.

And if they DID play a role in it? It was also rape. NONE of us asked for what happened. If our molesters found us attractive either physically or through personality quirks or both, we still didn't ask for it nor did we deserve it. I'm not going to sit here and say that it happened because I was just vulnerable and he was an opportunist. Because as nice as that sounds, it does not ring true with everything I know and experienced.

My molester was a pedophile with a sociopathic lack of any sense of self-restraint. He saw what he liked, and just took it. Period. There were plenty of "vulnerable" kids in the neighborhood. But he was very selective and picked kids with certain traits. And he expressed his sexual appetite in very specific acts which he made us perform with him over and over.

I figured I should weigh in on this since Traveler's statement that you refer to was directed to me in that thread. I was contemplating that if, as my recent efforts have suggested, my own perpetrator did not suffer abuse, then why did he molest me? Traveler was merely stating I should look for a more generic cause - like vulnerability - than a specific attraction like my personality.

Quote:
Guys who post here understand how something as simple as a phrase, repeated a couple of times in discussion can undermine a season of healing that has taken place.

Everyone's reality with this is different. What is truth for Traveler may or may not be truth for me. And that's totally OK - he's just doing what we all do - sharing experiences and the hard-sought perspectives derived from them. It sounds like he resonated with you, and that's fine. My experience is different. It was never my intention to unravel anyone else's healing by sharing my perspectives. Trust me - the words I share here are the result of a lot of tears, sweat, anguish, and hard work.

I may have attracted him. I may have been attractive to him. I did not ask for it. Even if he thought I did. Just 142 hours ago, I told him that to his face.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#433352 - 05/03/13 12:39 AM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey-
I read your response. Appreciate your view points and your experiences, but I also appreciate my life experiences. I want to clarify the first so that there is no misunderstanding. This new forum was not a challenge to your views or thoughts. It was simply to avoid stealing the theme of the thread. Nothing more.

Quote:
"Guys who post here understand how something as simple as a phrase, repeated a couple of times in discussion can undermine a season of healing that has taken place."

Not certain if you had read the postings I made over the weekend regarding the comments my T had made, and how I struggled with finding some peace with that, but this comment relates directly to her. No one else. To her. And I wanted to acknowledge those guys that had left me some incredibly supportive comments... so I did.

Quote:
"My personality, my behavior didn't play a role in it. I was raped."

For me, and for me alone.... I feel no need to justify.

Quote:
"I'm not going to sit here and say that it happened because I was just vulnerable and he was an opportunist. Because as nice as that sounds,...."

I would never minimize the comments made in earnest shared by another. I just wouldn't.

I stated the thread could be a RAW trigger. I wish it had not triggered you as it did. Please read it again and focus in on this section:

Quote:
"I may have been open to his friendship at every age in which "it" happened. I may have even wanted the relationship at any of those ages. I may have enjoyed the attention at the time. Never did I ask, indicate, or otherwise suggest that he could enter my body with his penis without my permission."

It indicates that perhaps my desire to be "whatever" was certainly there. I own it, I acknowledge it.


Edited by ThisMan (05/03/13 12:43 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#433362 - 05/03/13 02:37 AM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
ThisMan - I am glad you have managed to see the untruth in the T's assertion that you somehow caused the assaults. Regardless of whatever caused the perps to pick you, it was not your fault!

I'll say that again, just because I know that no survivor can ever hear this to many times...

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#433365 - 05/03/13 03:59 AM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3620
Loc: South-East Europe
(((This Man)))
I'm so sorry seeing you so much hurt by those words that you heard.
It is true: you didn't do anything to attract or cause assault that happened to you.
Please try to calm down a little bit. It is great that you've found positive direction in Traveler's words, stick to it and move from whirlpool caused by those poisonous comments that hurt you so much.

We have to be very careful when heard words or actions taken that are traumatizing us. Survivor's inner peace is the most valuable asset that shouldn't be endangered by any kind of therapy, talk or whatsoever. It is so precious and so valuable and so fragile at same time - we have to keep it like it is matter of life and death.
Sometimes it is needed far less effort to destroy it and to lost so many positive achievements reached by heavy-work and healing.

I've just go trough some of your posts and I was so touched by song that you wrote for your oldest son, you are terrible good father, the best on this planet!

(((This Man)))
_________________________
My story

Top
#433374 - 05/03/13 07:50 AM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1477
Hey, TM -

Not a problem. Nothing personal - I was probably feeling a bit defensive and may have read it wrong. There is obviously a history to the statements you made I am not completely familiar with. I stand by everything I said - and you said. Just different truths from different experiences.

I am one of those who does not run from triggers. My T taught me well that the triggers are where the work and the healing are. So if you triggered me, I thank you. smile

There's just lifetimes of anguish in this place. Losing my virginity should never have set me on a path of trying to find everything else that got lost along with it.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#433376 - 05/03/13 08:32 AM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
People have the right to be attractive and desirable - or to just be themselves, with their own suite of traits and quirks, which might make them in some way more attractive than they realize. There is a wall of SOLID DARK MATTER ON FIRE A THOUSAND MILES HIGH between that and being responsible for what other people do to you if they inappropriately pursue what they see.

Everybody likes what they own - that's why they own it. That doesn't mean other people can STEAL it and be all like "well I like that shit too, brah!"
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#433388 - 05/03/13 11:44 AM Re: big triggering ramble [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:51 PM)

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.