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#433250 - 05/02/13 05:36 AM Asexual while growing up
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I was asexual throughout my entire childhood, well past the age of 18 even (lost my virginity to a man at age 27 and only lost my straight virginity a few months ago, age 29). Well, the only exception was my masturbatory life, which did get a lot more active at about age 15, especially with the internet. The period of time at the beginning, where my fantasies were of straight sex, and me as the man (and a girl I had a crush on for YEARS) was pretty brief, if I remember right.

Then my masturbatory life quickly broke down into fantasizing about me being prison raped, vanilla porn was only watched to fantasize about me being the female, and I'm sorry to say I even fantasized about incest (I can't believe I even wrote that). But outwardly I was still asexual. No relationships, and I still hated when anyone brought up the subject of sex. I looked down on them, hypocritically, as lesser than my godliness. Even my brother, when he started dating the girl who would be his wife. Actually, ALL of my brothers, I felt this way. Then it struck me recently how asexual I've been all my life.

They're not the unnatural ones. I am. For not using sex as a tool to consensually get to know another human being you plan on being lifelong companions with. How did I get to this point? Even when I have sex with other human beings, it's not about them. They might as well be robots. It's STILL self-focused. What I'm really afraid of is real relationship. With anyone. But I confusingly, paradoxically sexualize ALL of my relationships (friendships, co-workers, bosses, acquaintances, family members) and for that reason never have had anyone I consider a true FRIEND. Or companion. Never.

EDIT: I didn't even mention a very important part of my secret, one-man sex life, which was Adult Baby Syndrome/Diaper Fetishism, because I get tired of talking about it, I feel like people are judging me for it and that it really is pedophiliac (it's not- not in any way), but I do need to add that it played an important part in keeping that dimension of my self- the sexual dimension- satisfied. Just understand, it is not pedophilia, and the major support group sites for it are EXTREMELY strict and clear, when they immediately IP ban anybody they even suspect of being a pedophile, and don't even allow childhood yearbook photos of the actual member him/herself, because they don't want ANY pictures of children there, and they are that wary of promoting awareness that AB/DLism is not pedophilia.


Edited by Life's A Dream (05/02/13 05:40 AM)

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#433251 - 05/02/13 05:45 AM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Life's A Dream]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie
Quote:
But I confusingly, paradoxically sexualize ALL of my relationships (friendships, co-workers, bosses, acquaintances, family members)


This rings very true with me. Not something I've ever been able to explain completely to anyone else. The closest is my wife. Our relationship started off as very physical/sex oriented and only then moved into true emotional intimacy. Not a recommended pathway but in retrospect I'm not sure it could have worked for me any other way.

Its good to see you around, LAD.
_________________________


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#433254 - 05/02/13 06:07 AM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Jacob S]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
Quote:
But I confusingly, paradoxically sexualize ALL of my relationships (friendships, co-workers, bosses, acquaintances, family members)


This rings very true with me. Not something I've ever been able to explain completely to anyone else. The closest is my wife. Our relationship started off as very physical/sex oriented and only then moved into true emotional intimacy. Not a recommended pathway but in retrospect I'm not sure it could have worked for me any other way.

Its good to see you around, LAD.


Thank you, Jacob. You too. I suppose I posted this because I've always heard CSA drives you one of two ways: 1. Hypersexual, or 2. Asexual. And I wanted to see if anyone else was the latter. But then again I've been both at different times of my life, and as you have kind of pointed out, even during my asexual periods there were very strong subdued sexual feelings I pretended weren't there.

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#433266 - 05/02/13 09:32 AM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Life's A Dream]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

There's no complaints from me on being asexual, or in my case, genophobic, even though that seems comparatively rare.

For me, I started mb'ing at around 12, thinking about girls, when however the s/xual humiliation and abuse started at school, I began to do it mechanically, since one thing I noticed was that if I mb'd, I'd not react physically at all, and thus could avoid some of the worse humiliation.

I occasionally had thoughts of random, disjointed images of girls while mb'ing, but none of these were in any way specific, indeed most weren't even of people I knew.

When I got out of that school and abuse stopped, at the age of 16-18, basically I had a very victorian idea. there was nothing wrong with s/x, but I just believed it was a purely physical thing, that all couples who were together were essentially just friends who did something physical occasionally which didn't really mean very much, and anyone interested in s/x for it's own sake was some how wrong (since my abuse involved jokes about s/x this isn't surprising).

It wasn't until I was 19 that I even realized! it was possible to be attracted to someone both emotionally and physically, and that I wanted that for myself, but it's never pretty much happened, indeed it still bothers me that the physically closest I have ever been to someone was while having my face spat in.

Now, I realize I'm suffering genophobia. It's something I believe I might be able get over with the right person, but since the genophobia gets in the way of physical contact and everything else, that's pretty much not going to happen anyway.

I can have the emotional side, indeed I make friends easily, but friends is all people are, the thought of anything else really! worries me, yet at the same time I know the experience I've seen other people who are together have would involve that.

I still mb, since if I don't I end up having extremely worrying nightmares which i don't want, still to a range of disjointed images (using p0rn is unthinkable), but rarely do I ever think about s/x explictely, indeed what I think about is likely very unerotic to most people (I usually imagine girls with their clothes on!).

These days my conclusion is that it's too much to deal with, and relationships, physical or not are something I forget about since I still make friends with people easily thanks to my social skills, and I've got very good at zoning out when something about s/x comes up in conversation or elsewhere so that I can not react.

I wouldn't personally describe myself as literally asexual, indeed often I wish I were since then I don't risk having the nightmares and likely wouldn't have the the desire for more than friendship, I'd describe myself as having a libido, but being in a position where it only causes trouble, indeed the attitudes of others towards relationship,d ating, finding partners just for physical activities I find utterly alien, which is again why i've resolved to leave well enough alone.

yes this means I'm 30 and the closest I've been to anyone was the way it was, but there's nothing I can do. I've tried personal desensatization, I've tried dating sites, nothing works.

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#433270 - 05/02/13 09:46 AM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: dark empathy]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
Hi.

There's no complaints from me on being asexual, or in my case, genophobic, even though that seems comparatively rare.

For me, I started mb'ing at around 12, thinking about girls, when however the s/xual humiliation and abuse started at school, I began to do it mechanically, since one thing I noticed was that if I mb'd, I'd not react physically at all, and thus could avoid some of the worse humiliation.

I occasionally had thoughts of random, disjointed images of girls while mb'ing, but none of these were in any way specific, indeed most weren't even of people I knew.

When I got out of that school and abuse stopped, at the age of 16-18, basically I had a very victorian idea. there was nothing wrong with s/x, but I just believed it was a purely physical thing, that all couples who were together were essentially just friends who did something physical occasionally which didn't really mean very much, and anyone interested in s/x for it's own sake was some how wrong (since my abuse involved jokes about s/x this isn't surprising).

It wasn't until I was 19 that I even realized! it was possible to be attracted to someone both emotionally and physically, and that I wanted that for myself, but it's never pretty much happened, indeed it still bothers me that the physically closest I have ever been to someone was while having my face spat in.

Now, I realize I'm suffering genophobia. It's something I believe I might be able get over with the right person, but since the genophobia gets in the way of physical contact and everything else, that's pretty much not going to happen anyway.

I can have the emotional side, indeed I make friends easily, but friends is all people are, the thought of anything else really! worries me, yet at the same time I know the experience I've seen other people who are together have would involve that.

I still mb, since if I don't I end up having extremely worrying nightmares which i don't want, still to a range of disjointed images (using p0rn is unthinkable), but rarely do I ever think about s/x explictely, indeed what I think about is likely very unerotic to most people (I usually imagine girls with their clothes on!).

These days my conclusion is that it's too much to deal with, and relationships, physical or not are something I forget about since I still make friends with people easily thanks to my social skills, and I've got very good at zoning out when something about s/x comes up in conversation or elsewhere so that I can not react.

I wouldn't personally describe myself as literally asexual, indeed often I wish I were since then I don't risk having the nightmares and likely wouldn't have the the desire for more than friendship, I'd describe myself as having a libido, but being in a position where it only causes trouble, indeed the attitudes of others towards relationship,d ating, finding partners just for physical activities I find utterly alien, which is again why i've resolved to leave well enough alone.

yes this means I'm 30 and the closest I've been to anyone was the way it was, but there's nothing I can do. I've tried personal desensatization, I've tried dating sites, nothing works.


You're only a year older than me. I was exactly the same way you are now, up until 2 years ago or so. More recently I've become the opposite of asexual: hypersexual. Still lacking in ever forming a really truly close relationship that unites the physical and non-physical, but I've become worse with all that was repressed. I keep "chasing the dragon" of some crazy abusive male-on-male sex scenario, like I'm working off a script. And it has to end in anal rape. What IS wrong with me, if I wasn't sexually abused by a grown man? Can there be any other explanation? Am I just acting out as a self-fulfilling prophecy to legitimize in my own mind my stubbornly held belief that I was CSA'd by a man? No one can answer this.

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#433279 - 05/02/13 10:27 AM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi ((((LAD))), good to see you man wink
I like this your post and I guess many survivors of abuse could easily find themselves here.

I could relate to couple things:
- still technically virgin with girls,
- have had sex but only in wrong environment and in compulsive manner connected to abuse and my own twin,
- have tried couple relationships with girls and was scared to death of intimacy and deeper connection but I'm craving for it.

I have had enormous need to get connected on emotional level and at same side as I would fall in love I would become extremely sensitive and fragile. Many times I would be hurt and felt like walking into minefield sensing some ego-trip battles, jealousy and selfishness by my girlfriends. I knew that those were normal but negative sides of every relationship but in any case I couldn't handle feelings of isolation and exclusion during such times.

And only what has been left as safe solution was porn and masturbation. I'm still searching for exit from that cycle.
To add something here I'm never (or almost never) being sexually attracted as I know to some person from my reality. That could be let say asexual aspect of my intimacy and it is very strange as I'm aware how hyper-sexual I'm.
For long time in my mind there was huge highly sexual world where many "forbidden" things were possible and where I would escape if I would be hurt in real life, still from time to time I'm escaping there.

So there is fine distinction from non sexual real life reality and hyper-sexual inner world in my case.
I know that I'm not asexual as for being like that there wouldn't be highs, excitements, urges... and those all are present.
But because of early sexual experience there is huge fragility (my borders were openly shattered and many times I'm expecting to be hurt by close friends), confusion (I've grown with involvement into gay sex from early age as six), insecurity (I've felt isolated ever since and like not belonging to any group of people), negative self image (I have huge problems to accept myself as fully grown person with some needs, to acknowledge them, to see my qualities, many times I'm on disposal for others favoring them and devaluing my own worth) and isolation (this is the hardest as my trust is so fragile, it needs huge amount of time to be built and it can be destroyed in second leaving me in complete loneliness).
And you know what?
many of these things are have nothing directly to sex and intimacy, many of them emerged as I was highly sensitive intelligent curious child conflicting some actions by people around me (mainly my parents, to be precise my mother). I was beloved by my parents but at same time on couple occasions left aside like invisible non-existing person (my mother praised me as her the most loving child and at same time I felt immensely hurt and left alone by some her crazy behavior on couple occasions, it is terrible how I remember those moments). It still hurts me and as happened while I was small child it is difficult to absorb and heal such huge hole that was left in my heart.
I'm more and more thinking lately that everything what happened with my brother and some older boys later were just resonance and consequences of some wrongdoings by my parents. And my parents were nice and supportive, but I guess in combination with my highly sensitivity and huge love that was feeling to world around me we were in complex relationship where many things were easily destroyed or at least I've seen and felt it like that.

It can sounds like crazy but in my fantasies and my problems with porn I'm always unconsciously looking for some submissive and hurtful signs of person/emotions left by others and who has lost self in some lust and destructive behavior and I see it as my hunger for love and as resemblance of hole that has left in my heart. It is just one more coping mechanism that has wired successfully in my brain and that function very efficiently. It is not at all important what exact situation is source of my pain, who did what and so on. Only what matters is finding answers HOW did I developed my coping mechanism, HOW I become and stayed confused, HOW I built negative self image trough my growing, HOW I'm so much hungry for love, touch and HOW is possible that I'm hurt so much by some not so destructive actions...

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#433284 - 05/02/13 11:42 AM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Life's A Dream]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
@Lifes a dream, for me the idea of s/x without emotion is disgusting! My mum, who knew roughly what I'd experienced at school though not the details (she was first to suggest the word raped in connection with what happened to me), once suggested locating a prostitute to deal with my genophobia. I turned her down flat, since the idea of that I find literally repulsive, that's even assuming I could avoid fear reactions long enough to actually do anything or even get undressed in the presence of a woman. It interested my curiosity, but only in the "what do slugs taste like" sort of way.

everytime I have fallen in love, it has been a highly emotional thing, and something with a person who is previously a friend, indeed though I have many female friends only occasion do I actively fall in love with any of them. "love" for me means as much an emotional attraction as physical, indeed it's about the only time I'm physically attracted and not triggered which is why I believe if someone ever returned my feelings there may be a way out of this, ---- nothing to do with "healing power of love" or any other such guff, simply that if the experience was emotional rather than physical I would not feel that fear reaction.

In a way my problem seems almost the reverse of some people. Emotional intimacy I'm quite capable of, indeed I have some very close friends, I just have no idea of, and actively avoid anything physical, and in the same way have no ability to perceive that any woman would be interested in me as more than a friend either.

Someone in 2009 (who others now claime was interested in becoming closer), once hugged me unexpectly! my response? I froze solid!

Ultimately, much as it often hurts I've determined there's no way out of this catch 22, which is why I'm attempting to kill all desires within myself and replace them with passion for music and creativity.

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#433308 - 05/02/13 03:38 PM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:48 PM)

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#433313 - 05/02/13 04:19 PM Re: Asexual while growing up [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Dark Empathy, Pero, and Bodyguard, all of you guys... thank you for taking the time to write to me. I know I flaked out and burned all my bridges. This is such a warm community of true gentlemen, though. Thank you for being so welcoming, in welcoming me back.

I can see that I'm not alone in being what I've heard SLAA describe as a "sexual anorexic", which is like asexuality, but with masturbation, as far as I can tell. I have this desire to truly be closer than I've ever been with anyone before, and to have that closeness with ANYONE. SOMEONE. Including sexuallly. For so long it was at the back of my mind that all friendships, if I didn't cut the night short, would lead to sex, whether men or women. So, yet another box to check off on the "Were you CSA'd?" checklist.

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