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#433201 - 05/01/13 08:13 PM Fake Personality *Few Triggers*
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
This is kind of a rant, though it’s mixed with things from my CSA that I haven’t really told anyone, even after months on this site. There will be a few triggers…

Off this site (and actually though, even when I’m on chat on MS), when I’m around people, I have this tendency to be bubbly, happy-go-lucky, sociable, etc. I can always manage to make people laugh, whether they’re old acquaintances/friends or people I’ve just met. And I ALWAYS try to make strangers laugh – people waiting at the bus stop, the odd taxi driver, conductors on trains, etc. I talk to pretty much anyone, hold up a good conversation if they’re responsive.

I wasn’t always like this.

Elementary school and middle school, I was your typical loser. I had zero personality, zero feelings…was called a queer, a ‘fag’, an annoying momma’s boy…Then bam, high school – something changed: I discovered I had a powerful musical talent.

Freshman/sophomore years in high school were when everything clicked, for me. I was pretty damn good at the instrument I cherished back then (not piano; won’t say which, because I’m still reluctant to give out my identity), started bringing home straight As, became well-liked by teachers, made varsity sports and so on. Music was my raison-d’etre; I was the best at my instrument, and everyone knew it – played a solo performance that got the crowd wild…I was confident, with good self-esteem. Kept my chin up pretty high, had a backbone. I was heavy, didn’t talk to many people, kept to myself, and I was focused on bringing home good grades.

It changed when my perpetrator sabotaged my music. She (my mother) did something, and I could no longer play my instrument. As if that wasn't enough, she started sleeping with me...kissing me, caressing me, rubbing her arms and legs on me...and it all started going downhill from there. Looking back, I think that was when this fake personality starting developing itself, the bubbly, sociable personality. My mother’s sleeping with me, but you don’t know about that so everything’s A-ok. I pretty much got dismantled because I could no longer do the one thing that gave me a sense of identity, the one thing that got my peers’ attention and respect. After all the homework was done, usually past midnight, I’d retreat into my own world. And man, that was a rich world. I’d go into my room, lock the doors, and I’d turn off the lights – I’d immerse myself in a different kind of music to what I had hitherto listened to and played, I’d have a photo up on my computer screen something nature-related (usually night skies, filled with stars…), and I’d disappear from this world. After an hour or so my mother would come knocking on my door…I remember being scared shitless every time I heard footsteps or the sound of the knocks over what I was listening to through my earphones…I hid in my fantasy, my imagination.

Addictions kicked in after college. The bubbly façade would occasionally break when many times I’d hit rock-bottom, being broke, borrowing money for a cheeseburger from McDonald’s, sleeping in some random wardrobe I could find in the corners of a hotel… And yet, YET, I’d revert back to that fake personality. I started adding vanity and grandiosity to it. I even pulled off a Bachelor’s degree, scoring amongst the top four of my class…What the hell? I have to admit, this fake personality was my way of dealing with all this crap that went on...

What the fake personality has done, though, is that it’s left me defenseless. Being constantly pulled to please others has gotten me into contact with shitty people who would never think twice of hurting me, betraying me or manipulating and taking advantage of me. And now I’m just tired of this fake personality.

But…the wealth of the discoveries I made during those excursions into my imagination…the other side of the coin, if you will…it’s shaped who I am today. My imagination, my awakening…can I throw that away? No…

I think I’m going to start reverting back to my old personality – the heavy, reserved personality, whilst keeping my imagination, and the lessons I’ve learnt about people from playing this fake role. I’ve seen enough of people…that all the effort to be friends with everyone, to cater to them and to be selfless isn’t worth it – the relationships that develop out of this fake personality aren’t worth giving up myself. I want to be more selfish.


Edited by concerned_husky (05/01/13 08:19 PM)
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Husky

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#433202 - 05/01/13 08:34 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Hi Husky, thanks for the post as so much of it connects with me, and I often feel the same way. I think I'm learning now that what I thought was fake, was and is, the real me trying to rise up inside. I think our efforts at goodness really are good because I think they come from the heart. It is something "they" could not take from me in spite of all the bade things they did to me...I held on to it. That is part of my innocence they could not corrupt.

What's different now? Now I no longer believe the lies of the perps about all of it, like I was made for that and it was the only thing I would ever be good for. Wrong, and lies. So with that new knowledge, I can become the new me and the good parts, or what I thought was my fake personality, will still shine and maybe even brighter now. It's my nature (like you) to try to please others and I'm ok with that. I'm no longer ok letting others define what it takes to please them, if that is going to hurt me. Instead I'll find people who value me for who I am, and not just as an object. With that, the good things in me will be appreciated and I won't see that as fake anymore.

I have talked enough with you to know you are a good person, and those things in you are not fake. You have helped me a lot and your light shines brother. Know that I don't see you as anything other then a good person, and someone who has a whole lot to offer the world!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#433203 - 05/01/13 08:52 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
i don't know you, but i agree with buffaloCO.

please don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

this "fake personality" may be more real than you think.

i have the same skill with strangers.
no doubt it developed as some sort of survival technique or defense mechanism.
i can start a group discussion anywhere...
bus, elevator, waiting room...

don't lose it or abuse it.
use it for the power of good!
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Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#433206 - 05/01/13 09:48 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
fwiw, I'll take a middle ground husky. Same engaging personality. Quick wit, which sometimes completely throws off people who are only semi-engaged in the conversation. (As my Marvin avatar would say, "brain the size of a planet").

I particularly identified with the "pleasing" part. And I can trace that back to the mommybitch's second marriage. As a five-year-old, for all I knew Dad had disappeared, a new step-father had entered the picture, moved us out of state and I wanted to please everyone (perhaps because on some level I might have felt responsible for Dad's disappearance).

Go figure, too, that part of my broadcast training was to refine my ability to engage people. And I do it very well. I can draw out people, speak to anybody about anything, and find a common ground for conversation. It's second nature. What it's taken me years and years to realize is that behavior is sometimes an indication to others that I'm a pushover and they act accordingly. It's been a hard realization and a difficult one to overcome.

Part of it, too, involved my inability to say "no" lest I offend. More often than not today, and it's taken practice, I have little problem saying it...or just walking away.

It's still a conscious decision (and effort) for me to dial down the charm in everyday encounters. It's no longer automatic. I haven't lost the ability to engage and I do when I've determined it's safe to do so. I agree with victor on not throwing out the baby with the bath water.

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#433214 - 05/01/13 10:18 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
I think that's probably the direction I'm headed - reserve the good part for the good people.
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Husky

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#433218 - 05/01/13 10:41 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1275
Originally Posted By: Concerned Husky Woof!
What the fake personality has done, though, is that it’s left me defenseless. Being constantly pulled to please others has gotten me into contact with shitty people who would never think twice of hurting me, betraying me or manipulating and taking advantage of me. And now I’m just tired of this fake personality.

This is precisely what I have been dealing with that I have come to realize only lately. I have always been a little charmer (just look at my avatars - I'm always mugging for the camera or smiling). With me it's not fake - I just tend to bubble and bounce, always have. My dad used to call me a super ball - the harder you slammed me to the ground, the higher I'd come right back up. I used to think it was an asset. But it attracted the older boy who made me have sex with him. And I have recently discovered after meeting him (another post here) that he was likely NOT abused himself. WTF! I thought I was abused just because I was an easy target for a guy who had abuse issues himself. Now I am realizing that it was more likely a strong sexual attraction from a pedophile who had absolute lack of appropriate self-control. My personality has attracted all kinds of abuse - not just from him. And not just sexual. Bubbly and attractive personalities attract sociopaths. Professionally. Socially. That's what I am just realizing now. Took me long enough to figure it out.

I have no intention - and likely no true capability - to change. But my eyes are wide open, now. I'll keep you (the general "you" - not you specifically) at arm's length - nicely - before I trust you to get close enough to hurt me. Never again. If I knew that at 12, I wonder if I'd even be here at MS.
_________________________



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#433219 - 05/01/13 10:51 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
When I was in college, my roommates started making fun of me because of the voice I used on the telephone when my parents would call me. It was like I put on a different personality, and the voice had a sing-song quality that my roommates mocked mercilessly.

Which is to say, I was cured of it pretty quickly. But since you mention it, I believe that I, too, had set up a certain bubbly personality as a defense mechanism to deal with my parents.

So you're not alone.

As for which sort of personality you're becoming, I think you're exactly right. It's not either/or, but rather a synthesis of them. Not just the good parts of each without the bad parts, but somehow stronger than before.

Your mother was a monster. I've been meaning to tell you for some time that I'm glad you're here. You're a good contributor.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433220 - 05/01/13 11:00 PM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
I have to admit, this fake personality was my way of dealing with all this crap that went on.....I think I’m going to start reverting back to my old personality......I want to be more selfish.

Hey Huskey,

Fake personality. Man do I ever get it. It was a way of dealing with all the crap, keeping up the facade, hiding my secrets. If people knew who I really was, they would hate me. But no,"Hey people, everythings just great with me! Life of the party". What a load of bull.

Reverting to an old personality isn't neccesarily the best option either. Not if that old personality isn't really who you are today. Part of this recovery stuff is finding out who we are now, in the present. And then building from there.

Being selfish is entirely in order if it means taking care of yourself and not always putting other people's needs ahead of yourself and your recovery. We have to believe that we deserve a decent life, and be prepared to do whatever it takes to get there.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#433228 - 05/02/13 12:14 AM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: concerned_husky]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
POW! Jude, you and husky just laid me out flat..."being selfish is entirely in order." Sometimes I hear things a different way for the first time. What I take from that is the ability to trust myself enough to be honest (particularly with myself) when I engage people and respond accordingly...in the moment.

Not to hijack...Several months ago I did a shoot for a couple of real estate agents, one a friend. We're all gay. When we did the almost-requisite gay hugs goodbye - I'm in a gayborhood - his friend took it as license to grab my ass. I was completely stunned, triggered, you name it. I was able to give him The Look Of Death and say just loud enough to embarrass him, "Don't you EVER do that again." Newer behavior for me. I think in the past I would have given him a playful finger-wagging. No fucking more, Older Dude!

In short guys, thanks for the refresher.

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#433230 - 05/02/13 12:24 AM Re: Fake Personality *Few Triggers* [Re: Lancer]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
Well, I'm in this boat too.

I think the problem for me was that abuse, early and then severe abuse, made me hate who I really was...Hate the real me, whoever he is or was. So I have to generate some kind of a cheap imitation just to get along. So, I think I'm slowly finding myself. There's a book, Dibs In Search of Self. The boy was put into a counseling at a young age. By being accepted by the T, and slowly nurtured, he blossomed and the result is that beautiful book.

Today I went to a therapy session. The matter to be dealt with was that when I go to bed at night, I "switch" to an alter. I become a little boy, lying there in bed...So is that the real me? Whoever he is, please step forward. He is so shy and he really can't express himself.

Puffer


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