that little star trek video is superb.
it hit me right between the eyes.
i love the show just for pure entertainment value,
but every so often, it is shockingly insightful and poignant.
the tao of trek.
i don't know if KIRK is right or not,
but that is exactly how i feel sometimes.
i need my pain.
it tells me where the damage is, so i know where to focus my repairs.
it keeps me alert; on guard against future hazards and menaces.
no placebos and painkillers for me, please.
however... like fire... pain is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.
pain - fear - anger - hate
often these lines all blur
these can guide us, but we should never let them rule our thoughts and actions.
treat them as trusted advisors, but keep the final decision
i guess the trick is finding out who "yourself" really is.
YOU are the chief executive officer of your corporation, emotions/thoughts are the staff.
YOU are the captain of your ship, feelings/ideas are the crew.
do not tolerate mutiny.
YOU are the boss. YOU are the master. YOU make the rules. YOU set the policy. if YOU choose not to decide, YOU still have made a choice.
i really wish i could tell you more, to make you feel better, but your situation is so radically different from mine, that my advice may not apply.
My family is made up of an alcoholic father who was prone to violent outbursts of rage against the children. He did horrible things to the children, baby bottles dosed with alcohol to keep them quiet, "children are to be seen and not heard", he withheld food, shelter, and affection, he was a violent abuser whose ONLY saving grace was that though he beat me without appropriate clothing, he never physically had sexual contact with me.
My family includes a mother with institutional levels of denial. She stayed in an abusive violent marriage by sacrificing her children's well being. She denied both my father's abuse, my CSA and my incest. No amount of discussion or impassioned plea could secure her approval. She did not approve of my orientation, and ignored the incest and my father's abuse completely. She also committed emotional and physical child abuse on myself and the other children.
in this regard, you and i are very similar. except, my father disappeared when i was about 6 or 7 and did not resurface until i was already 16. he continued to live his own life, and for the last 40 years he has popped in and out, but remains "at arm's length" as he calls it. he drank and cheated and beat my mother black and blue more than once during my early years. she would go to the hospital, he would go to jail, we would go into custody.
he started up 3 families since he dumped me, all have failed, following the same patterns.
he no longer drinks, but he has put 3 out of 4 wives into the hospital.
i have several half and step siblings.
he is very violent and a pathological liar.
he is a workaholic who grew up in the rubble of world war two germany.
in his view, my problems are very minor.
i need to grow up and grab life by the balls, which he clearly states any time i attempt to communicate.
drop the drama, tie your shoes, go to work. that is the only advice he ever gives.
he goes to church every sunday and has a lot of money, so he is a winner in his mind.
i am poor and have employment issues, therefore i am a loser.
every time i need a "handout", he tries to give me advice.
i tell him to stick it up his @$$.
i only take advice from people i want to imitate or emulate.
this offends him, and he thinks i am stubborn and stupid.
my mother sounds exactly like the one you describe.
i have not spoken to her in years, because every conversation we have spirals into a screaming match.
she has written me off as "crazy" and "drug damaged" because i smoked marijuana when i was a teenager.
in her defense, she was raised in an incestuous, catholic/italian/native-indian family, with sisters who are aunts and nieces. her father (my grandfather) stabbed her mother (my grandmother) in front of the 7 children, and died in jail. my grandmother survived, but never recovered. she died alone, and full of hate, refusing visitors. i met her once or twice, and she called me a "hitler youth" because my father is german, and "dirty little savage" because of my native blood. and yet, she was a 300 pound squaw, round and brown, who claimed she was adopted. when she died, my mother actually pissed on her grave and bragged about it afterward. this horrified me.
i have wasted a lot of time blaming my parents.
but, i find it harder to forgive them, than it was to forgive my abusers.
i live with the constant dread/belief that they (or I) will die before we reconcile.
he says he is "too old to change".
she says there is "nothing wrong" with her.
please accept my good will, and commiseration.
i don't know you, but i love you as a brother on the road to recovery and redemption. WE ARE WORTHY!
Never forget that, regardless of where you are at this time.