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#433069 - 04/30/13 05:20 PM Finding Myself
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
This is a pseudo journal entry and confusing mishmash of where I am at in my recovery right now:

I'm stuck in between worlds at the moment. I keep slogging forward and continue to have setbacks and horrible days.

I've been getting in touch with an old and latent anger; angry for being born, angry for being born with disabilities. And in this most recent episode of getting re-engaged with my anger, I've suddenly become aware of how ugly this anger is coming across to others. It's no wonder why I have an impossible time making friends or falling in love. I have an ugly personality. An angry cripple, to put it crassly.

I've also been remembering choices I made when I was 8 (as the abuse was happening). I decided to pursue filmmaking. I also decided at that time that the world was hell. Filmmaking was my escape.

Here I am 41 years old, and I have a career in filmmaking / education / support. I realize fully how that decision when I was 8 saved me. I survived because of that decision. I got some help along the way, and met some amazing people and had some incredible opportunities come my way too. I didn't do it alone; I got help.

I also see that my continued pursuit of filmmaking related endeavors gives me so much more than I could have thought of when I made the decision when I was 8. I was a silly kid, thinking I would become a famous movie director. That could have never happened, not with all the emotional baggage I was given from the abuse.

This past weekend, I suddenly recalled that I also made the decision that the world was a hellish place around the same time - age 8. I wonder if its a coincidence that both of these life important decisions were made around the same time? Were they related? 1 decision was clearly a brilliant one, it has sustained me. The other one was a mistake. IF ONLY MY MOTHER HAD CARED what was happening to me, I would have never made this horrible decision that screwed up most of the potential in my life.

Mixed feelings right now. Realizing the onus is on me to let go of the anger about being disabled. At this point in my life, my anger about being disabled is more crippling than the disabilities are.

I hope I find a way to accept my disabilities so I can move forward with my life and LIVE it, rather than surviving it.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#433100 - 04/30/13 10:24 PM Re: Finding Myself [Re: Magellan]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
((((( Magellan )))))

It seems clear that you are moving forward in your struggles, and we're here to support you.

It's OK to be angry, but I can understand if it's zapping you of your energy, then that could be a bad thing.

I just want to you know that you're my brother.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433106 - 04/30/13 10:58 PM Re: Finding Myself [Re: Magellan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Magellan. First off, you were not a "silly kid". If you were, so were/are all kids. Little kids have dreams and not many of them are terribly realistic. When I was 8, you couldn't have convinced me I wasn't going to be an astronaut some day. Little Ken was going to be be the first man to walk on Mars, just go back and ask him! When I was 13, you couldn't have convinced me I wasn't going to be a rock star someday. And so on. Little Magellan was not "silly" at all. He had dreams, and that's cool. I suppose there's only room for so many Oliver Stones in the world, right?

I think your posts raises an interesting point about art and life and how the two relate. Your early realization that the world is the terrible, hellish place it is was probably fueling your desire to express yourself artistically. I believe the two things may be part and parcel to one another. How many great artists, be they painters or musicians or film makers, were/are perfectly happy people, from relatively normal lives, who also didn't know inner struggle and/or turmoil? Answer... not very many .

I'm glad your art and your interest in it has given you an outlet that has helped you to survive. Perhaps it can continue to be a healing mechanism as you move forward with your recovery. I'm betting it can and will be. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#433131 - 05/01/13 08:16 AM Re: Finding Myself [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Magellan
....Realizing the onus is on me to let go of the anger about being disabled. At this point in my life, my anger about being disabled is more crippling than the disabilities are. I hope I find a way to accept my disabilities so I can move forward with my life and LIVE it, rather than surviving it.

Good work Magellan! These are important insights for you to gain and with them some direction in how to continue pursuing healing. You have a future and a hope brother.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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