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#433104 - 04/30/13 10:51 PM I feel like a victim... *possible triggers*
optimus2125 Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 1
I have not experienced any type of sexual abuse but I wonder at what point did something start to go wrong... I was home schooled since 6th grade until graduation, very sheltered from the world. During my time in public elementary school my parents prevented me from attending a sexual education class in 5th grade. Perhaps I was too young but I think back and wonder if I was educated, would things be different?

As I began puberty I had no idea what was happening to my body. I found that if I touched myself, a liquid that wasn't pee would be released from my body, was this safe? It hurt at first but it felt kind of good at the same time... I didn't feel comfortable talking to any of my parents about it because my private parts were, well... private. I was curious and I didn't know who to talk to, I was sure something was wrong with my body, but decided I would turn to my new 56k internet connection in hopes of finding an explanation of what was happening...

It didn't take long to discover what was happening to me. I will try to shorten this story and just tell you that ever since using the internet to learn more about my body and what was happening I have been fixated on penises. I imagined of doing what I did to myself to other men and making them feel good. Since the age of 15 and looking at underwear sites of men in their briefs this fixation has lead now into hardcore gay pornography. I think about the things I view and it disgusts me but at the same time it's beginning to not have the same pleasuring effect on me, it's not enough any more. I have never been in a relationship with a male or female. I want a relationship with a female ad to eventually have a family but I feel like I've tarnished myself too much to ever feel normal. I undoubtedly have homosexual feelings but I can't accept them. I can't accept that lifestyle, not because of someone else not accepting me, because I don't see the type of happy fulfilling future with that choice.

I'm 28 now and I don't know why but I still feel like I'm stuck with the curiosity I had as a teenager. Why can't I get past this fixation of the male body... I never had and still do not have a close relationship with my father. Doing something as having a simple conversation with him feels awkward. Did this lead me into wanting more affection from a male, maybe... a compliment from another man or rub on the back automatically registers in my mind as a sexual advance. Why can't I accept that it's possible for males to be close, without being gay.

Also, I have been over-weight all my life. I've always imagined what it must feel like to look like a man. I have never accepted my body and always look at other men and imagined how different my life would be if I looked like them. I have spent too many years wanting to be someone else.

Having been raised in a religious household only adds to this stress. I do not condemn religion but I think some people are sometimes too confined by it. At my core I believe homosexuality is a sin. I believe this is perhaps some sort of trial I'm going through but I wonder, when will it end. When will I reach the goal of overcoming the temptations of flesh. When will my mind be stronger than my body. Some days are better than others. A few months will pass and I won't have these strong desires but other times I'll be tempted to tell someone I'm attracted to men. It's like a have a wound and I let it partially heal and then right before it's about to go away I have to tear away the scab and begin the healing process again. I fight it because I don't accept this for who I am. Yes my body may desire another man but I see nothing but regret in my future if I make that decision.

I'm sure there are others here that have experienced this very same thing. I'm not really looking for answers any more because I've come to the conclusion after all these years that the temptations will never go away. The sin in this world will never go away, temptation will always be there to haunt and torment us. I have read posts here of how people want to live a straight lifestyle. I feel it's OK to want that, some people may tell us we're not being true to ourselves by not being openly gay, that's bull$h!t! No one else on this earth knows me better than I know myself, I know what I truly want out of life. Getting there is what I'm working on. I've read stories of a man being married and having children and then later in life realizing he's actually gay. I wonder, did he realize he's gay or did he just finally give into what his body lusts for? Should we make all of our decisions in life purely by what feels good? I've been battling with my weight and let me tell you sometimes I have a craving for some really terrible food. Sometimes I'll give in and other times I won't, because of this "balance" of good and bad, I maintain my weight. I feel like this is what I'm doing in my life. I'm not letting go of the homosexual desires, I'm still holding onto them which is creating a tension of two opposites and results in me being frozen.

What I'm working on now is making myself believe that I am just as good as any other man out there (you'd probably think a lot better once you got to know me). My exterior may not be in shape or look as attractive as some but I am at least equal.


Edited by optimus2125 (04/30/13 11:00 PM)

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#433133 - 05/01/13 08:26 AM Re: I feel like a victim... *possible triggers* [Re: optimus2125]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
welcome, optimus - i sent you a private message - look for the blinking envelope icon at the top of the page by "My Stuff" and click on it.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#433409 - 05/03/13 03:17 PM Re: I feel like a victim... *possible triggers* [Re: optimus2125]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:56 PM)

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#433836 - 05/06/13 10:45 PM Re: I feel like a victim... *possible triggers* [Re: optimus2125]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 398
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: optimus2125

I'm 28 now and I don't know why but I still feel like I'm stuck with the curiosity I had as a teenager. Why can't I get past this fixation of the male body...

Having been raised in a religious household only adds to this stress. I do not condemn religion but I think some people are sometimes too confined by it. At my core I believe homosexuality is a sin. I believe this is perhaps some sort of trial I'm going through but I wonder, when will it end. When will I reach the goal of overcoming the temptations of flesh. When will my mind be stronger than my body. Some days are better than others. A few months will pass and I won't have these strong desires but other times I'll be tempted to tell someone I'm attracted to men. It's like a have a wound and I let it partially heal and then right before it's about to go away I have to tear away the scab and begin the healing process again. I fight it because I don't accept this for who I am. Yes my body may desire another man but I see nothing but regret in my future if I make that decision.

The sin in this world will never go away, temptation will always be there to haunt and torment us. I have read posts here of how people want to live a straight lifestyle. I feel it's OK to want that, some people may tell us we're not being true to ourselves by not being openly gay, that's bull$h!t! No one else on this earth knows me better than I know myself, I know what I truly want out of life.

Sometimes I'll give in and other times I won't, because of this "balance" of good and bad, I maintain my weight. I feel like this is what I'm doing in my life. I'm not letting go of the homosexual desires, I'm still holding onto them which is creating a tension of two opposites and results in me being frozen.

at least equal.


Optimus, welcome

I like the name you chose, it indicates hope. There is hope.

I read your post with great sadness. Because only the very last thing you wrote was truly true. You ARE equal.

I talked to my buddy, Blair the minister and he suggested that exactly as you have written, people are too confined by the by it. But that includes you.

Paul is not helpful , he had lots to say about homosexuality, as did the old testament. JESUS NEVER DID, He made it clear that the treatment of the oppressed, the marginalized and meek shall form the heart of the community. From the fringes to the center to be embraced not shunned or judged.

Creation was about God creating man and woman on the sixth day, both. So men and women are blessed. Sexuality is blessed as it is in the song of Solomon Early Hebrew and Christian scholars long maintained that love is an allegory of God’s love for humankind, or of the intensity of divine love within the human heart. However, it is undeniable that the song celebrates not only human love but also the sensuous and mystical quality of erotic desire.

We are called to become fully who we are created to be. To express and experience the fullness of our humanity. If we are created in his image, than who are we to decide what that image should be. If we were not meant to be , we wouldn't be. That is the whole concept of the prodigal son. Its about the father celebrating the son coming home to self , rejoicing in the bringing home of the spirit and body where is belongs.

Therefore please take this as its meant in all kindness without judgement.

IT IS NORMAL FOR A GAY MAN TO LUST AFTER OTHER MEN AS STRAIGHT MEN LUST AFTER WOMEN.

Blair says Friends, Spirit moves. We approach the Bible with heart and mind, because when we get it wrong, we cause a lot of damage. We need look no further than Paul. May his story call us into deeper relationship with Spirit and one another, not for the judgment of the world, but for its healing.

He quotes freely from Peter Gomes book: The Good Book , Reading the Bible with Mind and Heart

Having sex with a man is a choice. Being homosexual is not that is where the religiosity gets it wrong. Being gay is not a lifestyle, its a way of life. You would never say your parents chose to live a heterosexual lifestyle, but getting married is a choice. Its the same in the gay world. Further gay sex is no more a sin than wearing cotton and polyester together, eating mollusks or not beating your neighbor because he did not observe the Sabbath.

Cognitive dissonance is the phenomenon that explains why people, even in light of new information, don’t like to update their previously-held beliefs; this research presents evidence that religion has co-opted some people’s views on the science behind sexual orientation, and changing their minds could prove more difficult than thought. * Whitehead, Andrew (2010). “Sacred Rites and Civil Rights: Religion’s Effect on Attitudes Towards Same-Sex Unions and the Perceived Cause of Homosexuality.” Social Science Quarterly Vol. 91(1).

My friend , you are experiencing a cognitive dissonance whereby your heart and mind keep flip flopping. You describe the whole thing as a wound that won't heal because you pick at it. Your inner voice is trying to let you know it will not be ignored, maybe for a little while, but your true wonderful self will emerge if you let it. It's not about giving in to lust. Humans all have a heart's desire, its about you expressing, embracing and living your hearts desire whatever that turns out to be.

I wish you well.

in terms of something starting to "go wrong". CSA is one early childhood trauma that can trap a soul in a cycle of self repression. But so can the loss of a parent early in life, physical abuse, emotional abuse, parenting that encompassed hypercontrollingness or hyperreligiosity and other early childhood trauma's. CSA is generally worse especially if it is over a long period of time. The child has no means of coping and that beautiful innocent soul gets lost. Love, courage, brotherhood, therapy, group, becoming informed are all ways to help the healing process.

I truly wish you well

Fighting is good. work at fighting for yourself, not against yourself.

grant
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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