This is a pseudo journal entry and confusing mishmash of where I am at in my recovery right now:
I'm stuck in between worlds at the moment. I keep slogging forward and continue to have setbacks and horrible days.
I've been getting in touch with an old and latent anger; angry for being born, angry for being born with disabilities. And in this most recent episode of getting re-engaged with my anger, I've suddenly become aware of how ugly this anger is coming across to others. It's no wonder why I have an impossible time making friends or falling in love. I have an ugly personality. An angry cripple, to put it crassly.
I've also been remembering choices I made when I was 8 (as the abuse was happening). I decided to pursue filmmaking. I also decided at that time that the world was hell. Filmmaking was my escape.
Here I am 41 years old, and I have a career in filmmaking / education / support. I realize fully how that decision when I was 8 saved me. I survived because of that decision. I got some help along the way, and met some amazing people and had some incredible opportunities come my way too. I didn't do it alone; I got help.
I also see that my continued pursuit of filmmaking related endeavors gives me so much more than I could have thought of when I made the decision when I was 8. I was a silly kid, thinking I would become a famous movie director. That could have never happened, not with all the emotional baggage I was given from the abuse.
This past weekend, I suddenly recalled that I also made the decision that the world was a hellish place around the same time - age 8. I wonder if its a coincidence that both of these life important decisions were made around the same time? Were they related? 1 decision was clearly a brilliant one, it has sustained me. The other one was a mistake. IF ONLY MY MOTHER HAD CARED what was happening to me, I would have never made this horrible decision that screwed up most of the potential in my life.
Mixed feelings right now. Realizing the onus is on me to let go of the anger about being disabled. At this point in my life, my anger about being disabled is more crippling than the disabilities are.
I hope I find a way to accept my disabilities so I can move forward with my life and LIVE it, rather than surviving it.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).