Newest Members
susanhepp, Breathe, georgetwo, frozen45, lilac
12291 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Guillermo (37), illbedat (26), Mike58 (56), Mnovit (38), Mongo (24), pwdasw (64), Raymond Sean (38), yesac76 (38)
Who's Online
3 registered (WriterKeith, 2 invisible), 17 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12291 Members
73 Forums
63228 Topics
442152 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#432877 - 04/29/13 02:55 PM Feeling stuff, but this time it's different.
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Well this is awkward. I hit return on my keyboard and a blank post with only the title posted.

Regardless, lately I've came to experience emotions, but I am experiencing them. The great disconnect that's rifted my mind from my body is slowly closing. Yet, along with it comes the unwelcome guest that is physical and mental side of emotions, sides which are not new in the sense that I've never had it, but not at the same time. I would feel them in sequence previously. Such as when I would weep, it was almost as if I was watching and allowing it to happen, but it was not me sobbing away in muffled silence, no; it was this shell shocked body.

But now, when I feel that feeling where your heart goes supernova and that cold sensation slowly swallows itself deep into your stomach, sending the shockwaves of your heartbeat all around your body. It races with fury, avengence even. The pulse is overwhelming, it moves my hand, even if I place it no where near my heart. I feel a great sadness has been sent alongside a great joy when I feel this way.Never have I experienced these things at the same time, I've had my heart race with anxiousness, but never have I felt the mental side in sequence as I have recently.It's awakening. I'm addicted to it, I love to hate it, I hate to have it, but couldn't live without it.



Edited by Poorsoft (04/29/13 03:57 PM)

Top
#432919 - 04/29/13 08:28 PM Re: Feeling stuff, but this time it's different. [Re: Poorsoft]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i think i know what you mean by this post. i have had what feels to me like a similar experience to what you seem to be describing. for years i didn't feel much of anything. in fact i can remember a time when i consciously decided not to feel anything because it was too painful.

when i started "remembering" and got into therapy, the emotions started to return. at first it was like i could identify them from an objective distance but not really experience them fully. then i started to feel everything intensely and overwhelmingly - but with a confusion of mixed up sensations that included emotional pain in everything. finally, the threads started to get untangled and now i am able to feel individual and distinct emotions that are appropriatee to the situation.

at first it was scary and i wanted to turn back and shut if of. but later it was so exhilarating to actually feel something - not be numb and dead - but have the sensation of being alive - that i wouldn't go back for anything. keep at it, man. it's worth it.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#432924 - 04/29/13 08:57 PM Re: Feeling stuff, but this time it's different. [Re: Poorsoft]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
TO pOORSOFT and traveler

I determined that I would no longer feel anything when I was 13. It was during a swim meet. My father's emotions were pride and I resented his pride in me. It was also after my fourth csa experience.

Anyway, I am slowly experiencing emotions. The closest I came in the last 50 years was feeling sensations and then attempting to label them with emotion words. For example tears dripping down my face is crying and sadness. Gut wrenching and want to vomit, is terror.

It sounds as though experiencing the emotion directly, not the sensation followed by interpreting it is a good experience. Even when the experience is of a negative emotion. That sounds really promising. Thanks for sharing your experience, insight and hope.

Gene

Top
#432925 - 04/29/13 09:04 PM Re: Feeling stuff, but this time it's different. [Re: Poorsoft]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
It's awakening. I'm addicted to it, I love to hate it, I hate to have it, but couldn't live without it.


I love that phrase, Poor. "It's awakening." I am excited for you to begin to make the connection between the heart and mind. Sometimes I am still "slow on the draw" myself in connecting the two, but when I do...."It's awakening." So very good for you, my man.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#432926 - 04/29/13 09:08 PM Re: Feeling stuff, but this time it's different. [Re: Poorsoft]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
YES - genedebs - i went through that stage too. like i knew what i was supposed to feel and was sensing something - but was not really in touch with what it was and had to analyze it and lable it after a time-lag in order to figure it out. now the lapse is much shorter - and sometimes there is none at all.

and i can tell you exactly the time and place - even the location of the chair i was in - when i switched off the feelings.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#432968 - 04/30/13 02:10 AM Re: Feeling stuff, but this time it's different. [Re: Poorsoft]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I know exactly what you mean. When we were little, we weren't allowed to show emotion. Crying would earn a beating. Laughing too loud the same. So I learned early to simply deny and suppress my emotions. They caught up with me when I came off drugs. It was, as you say, an awakening. It was frightening and overwhelming, but at the same time it made me feel alive for perhaps the first time in my life. It made me feel like a real person...

I am really happy for you that you have reached this point in your recovery. This is big!
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#433014 - 04/30/13 10:03 AM Re: Feeling stuff, but this time it's different. [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
poorsoft, i know and feel exactly what you mean.

i described it as "being able to describe the moment" without actually "being IN the moment." as others have said knowing what i should feel and being perceptive to what others around me feel, but never truly feeling. when the emotions come, they come in waves. sometimes, it hurts more than you thought you could bare. then i realized i couldn't have experienced this before now.

"awakening." used that same sentiment to tell my T... "I feel like I just woke up and I'm trapped in this life and I'm not sure how I got here."
the "rift" closing... YES! the physiological brain repairing and developing the neural pathways which should have developed at birth. it is in fact a rift!

in the secret, in the quiet place. in the stillness, He is there. ~words to a praise song. in the secret, quiet, stillness... as you can, let it wash over you. it hurts like hell. but it's always darkest before the sun. remember that as you start to feel that awful pain, we are here. we got your back brother!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.