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#432551 - 04/26/13 05:42 PM healing through forgiveness
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3558
Loc: O Kanada
I originally posted my story about 10 years age in "survivor stories"
this is a link to my story of surviving a serial killer (originally posted in 2003)
*TRIGGER WARNING*
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=76022&page=29
*TRIGGER WARNING*

please read responsibly.

that was ten years ago.

this is where I am today...

as a teenage victim/survivor of serial killer clifford olson (employed, raped, choked, but not killed - 1977),
it has taken me over 30 years to overcome the many emotional and spiritual diseases he infected me with.

the worst was the hatred.

because i hated him so much, i was unable to even consider forgiving him,
until i realized the HATE was killing ME.... not HIM.

with lots of help from religious family and friends,
i spent hours praying and crying for god to give me the strength and wisdom to finally put this behind me,
and forgive the man who raped me.
NOT for what he did to the other victims,
but for what he did TO ME.

i was incapable of letting go of the hatred which had motivated and fueled my life for three decades.

i was only trying to forgive him because it was impossible to kill him
(he was in protective custody in a maximum security prison),
and I was tired and frustrated by this impotent rage,
which could not be acted out.
plus... by studying the bible for some time, it became obvious to me
that forgiveness was a necessary step toward true joy.
i had murder in my heart, and it was coming between me and my creator.

all my adult life, i had prayed for olson's death.
I DID NOT WANT TO DIE BEFORE HIM.
i wanted to live in a world without him.

god did not answer those prayers.
i started to hate god, government, man, and myself.

but, eventually, one night, i finally, truly, sincerely begged god to let me forgive Olson.
after a fitful session of sweat and anxiety, it came in a flash...
HE WAS A CHILD OF GOD and HE WAS GOD'S PROBLEM... NOT MINE.
GOD WILL JUDGE HIM.
NOT ME.

I RESIGNED AS GENERAL MANAGER OF THE UNIVERSE.
as soon as I handed in my resignation,
it became obvious that
I NEVER HAD THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
it became clear to me that Anger was nothing more than Fear with a mask.
the things we Fear the most, have already happened to us.
Fear was the merely the absence of Love.

it was as if a million tons of manure was lifted from my back.
thirty years of therapy had only taught me survival...
NOW for the first time in my memory,
i felt freedom, like i was flying.

NEVER BEFORE had I felt unconditional love and the presence of the holy spirit.
i cried tears of joy, not pain.

i got out of bed and turned on my computer
to send an email home to my family in Canada
( I was visiting relatives in Germany ).

the newsfeed on my computer literally jumped off the screen with the headline
"CLIFFORD OLSON DEAD".
it was Sept 30, 2011.
he died the same day i forgave him!!

it only took me 35 years.

35 YEARS OF WASTED HATRED!
35 YEARS OF IMPOTENT RAGE!
35 YEARS OF POISON EMOTION!
35 YEARS OF RIGHTEOUS WRATH!
35 YEARS OF REVENGE FANTASY!
35 YEARS OF UNHEALTHY ANXIETY!

all i did was hurt myself and the people i love.

this is a true story.
so I don't care if you believe me.

JUST REMEMBER LOVE IS LIFE,
AND HATE IS LIVING DEATH.
TREAT YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
AND LIVE FOR EVERY BREATH.
-Black Sabbath

this is a link to my story of surviving a serial killer (originally posted in 2003)
*TRIGGER WARNING*
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=76022&page=29
*TRIGGER WARNING*

please read responsibly.



please share this story. post it. pass it on.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#432580 - 04/26/13 08:55 PM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: victor-victim]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 856
Loc: Kc,Mo
I love this man , thats what i am talking about seriously And I love the bit about general manager of the universe. Thank you for sharing the positive thank you for the Sharing this uplifting Journey.
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#432601 - 04/27/13 12:39 AM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: victor-victim]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
great story, Victor!

i needed that encouragement and reminder today.

thank you,
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#432897 - 04/29/13 05:55 PM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: victor-victim]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Thanks for the reminder Victor et. al

I hated my father and nurtured my resentment against him for decades. My rabbi said caring for your parents as they never cared fore you is the highest form of revenge.

Anyway. I cared for my parents the last 10 yeARS before they died and I could finally accept that God had forgiven him. So I had to accept and own that forgiveness too.

Then, 10 years after he was dead, my daughter tells me my father molested her when she was young maybe 7. Now I have to do this forgiveness thing all over again. This is tough.

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#432941 - 04/29/13 09:59 PM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: genedebs]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3558
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: genedebs
Then, 10 years after he was dead, my daughter tells me my father molested her when she was young maybe 7. Now I have to do this forgiveness thing all over again. This is tough.


i feel you.

i have to renew my commitment to forgiveness quite regularily.
you can't ignore your emotions.
it takes time to overcome one's first gut instinct reaction to such horrible revelation.
my immediate response is outrage and anger.
it really bothers me that innocent children are abused and i can't be there to protect them.
it seems so unfair that often the victim suffers in silence, and the perpetrator escapes exposure, confrontation, or prosecution.
then i have to go back to step 1 all over again, because, as in your story, there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX OR PREVENT IT, and i cannot stand the lack of power or justice.
all i can do is pray for you and your family.
(believe me, i know how lame that sounds)
my heart goes out to you.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#432948 - 04/29/13 10:11 PM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: victor-victim]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Victim victor

Thank you for your prayers and understanding

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#434430 - 05/12/13 12:51 AM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: victor-victim]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I have read your story, Victor-Victim. I feel so much, but the words are elusive. thank you for sharing this.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#436159 - 05/29/13 07:10 AM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: victor-victim]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Wonderful story Victor!

"I RESIGNED AS GENERAL MANAGER OF THE UNIVERSE."

This is how i feel sometimes.. still working to actually resign, but your story is a great reason to move on!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#439956 - 07/03/13 07:24 PM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3558
Loc: O Kanada
http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-15.htm

"But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matthew 6:15

Forgiveness is your gift to yourself.
http://www.rally37.co.uk/forgiveness.php

Forgive your trespassers.
http://checkmate5.blogspot.ca/2012/02/forgive-your-trespassers.html

Forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-wise-brain/201210/forgive

Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.
http://howtoforgive.com/

How to Forgive Someone When Itís Hard.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-when-its-hard-30-tips-to-let-go-of-anger/

How to Let Go and Forgive
http://zenhabits.net/how-to-let-go-and-forgive/

Everyone has a grievance story - yours may be killing you.
http://www.forgivetolive.net/
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#447563 - 09/18/13 05:11 PM Re: healing through forgiveness [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3558
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: OCN
Wonderful story Victor!

"I RESIGNED AS GENERAL MANAGER OF THE UNIVERSE."

This is how i feel sometimes.. still working to actually resign, but your story is a great reason to move on!



_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
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