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#433166 - 05/01/13 03:36 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
I have also renewed my application to the Jesuits.

I apologize if that's triggering to brothers here who were raped by clergy, but I feel that since A) I will never get married, and B) I have certain qualities that I would like to offer the world, that joining an institution like the Jesuits could allow me to maximize my human potential.

My initial application to them was denied back in 2008 or so, before I had achieved any professional success. It was denied then because I was honest with them about my abuse history, and those doing the vocations selection were gun-shy about me because of the scandals, and so they sent me away to seek more counseling and therapy. They wrote me off as "conflicted," and told me that a celibate life was not a solution to such conflict.

By chance a few months ago, during the surprise of Pope Benedict's resignation, I started up a Twitter conversation with a Jesuit, which led to an email conversation, which led to me telling him that my previous application had been denied, which led to him asking me if I was still interested.

He and I have since had a long email-based discussion on the topic, and he has asked questions and expressed concerns about how my abuse history and emotional/spiritual fitness would affect my ability to live a celibate life in a community of men.

I have addressed all of his/their concerns, and there's a committee reviewing them. I admitted and acknowledged to them that it would be a possibility that the formation process could trigger my PTSD if the novice master resembled my abuser.

I'm just trying to find a role for myself in this world. I'm 36, and pretty confident that marriage and children are not going to happen for me. So, it's either die alone or something else. And right now, joining the Jesuits is an option I'm considering. Apparently, since Pope Francis' election, applications to the Jesuits is way up, so we'll see.

Maybe after more EMDR something will make sense.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433169 - 05/01/13 03:45 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 11:17 PM)

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#433193 - 05/01/13 07:18 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Thank you, Geoff.

This is the first I've mentioned this to anyone, and it feels good to hear that I'm not out of my mind for considering such a significant... career move, for lack of a better term.

You made me get a little weepy.

FYI, this is the last thing my Jesuit contact told me:

"I thank you for your candid remarks. I don't think we could ask anymore from you than you have given. You have done an excellent job in presenting yourself.

"At this point, I see a few bumps, but nothing that cannot be worked out with good conversation."

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (05/01/13 07:22 PM)
Edit Reason: added Jesuit quote at bottom
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433195 - 05/01/13 07:23 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3204
Loc: back in the USA
cant - i am speechless.

you could do a lot of good there.

if that is the right path for you, then i pray that everything works out.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#433209 - 05/01/13 09:58 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Thanks, Lee.

I could use some prayers in my direction.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433243 - 05/02/13 04:30 AM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow Cant,
I'm supporting you in your application for Jesuits, wow man, it needed a lot of courage and honesty to do that.
Good that you have been honest when you approached them, you don't have anything to hide.
I guess there could be long process so it could be good to arm yourself with patience and not to expect too much. I'm sure with some time and if you'd be persistent you would be there! It is great to have such dream and to follow it!
It seems that you are moving quickly with your healing and therapy, just proceed like that.
I'm praying for you!

(((Cant))) wink
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My story

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#433255 - 05/02/13 06:13 AM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
I have also renewed my application to the Jesuits.

I apologize if that's triggering to brothers here who were raped by clergy, but I feel that since A) I will never get married, and B) I have certain qualities that I would like to offer the world, that joining an institution like the Jesuits could allow me to maximize my human potential.

My initial application to them was denied back in 2008 or so, before I had achieved any professional success. It was denied then because I was honest with them about my abuse history, and those doing the vocations selection were gun-shy about me because of the scandals, and so they sent me away to seek more counseling and therapy. They wrote me off as "conflicted," and told me that a celibate life was not a solution to such conflict.

By chance a few months ago, during the surprise of Pope Benedict's resignation, I started up a Twitter conversation with a Jesuit, which led to an email conversation, which led to me telling him that my previous application had been denied, which led to him asking me if I was still interested.

He and I have since had a long email-based discussion on the topic, and he has asked questions and expressed concerns about how my abuse history and emotional/spiritual fitness would affect my ability to live a celibate life in a community of men.

I have addressed all of his/their concerns, and there's a committee reviewing them. I admitted and acknowledged to them that it would be a possibility that the formation process could trigger my PTSD if the novice master resembled my abuser.

I'm just trying to find a role for myself in this world. I'm 36, and pretty confident that marriage and children are not going to happen for me. So, it's either die alone or something else. And right now, joining the Jesuits is an option I'm considering. Apparently, since Pope Francis' election, applications to the Jesuits is way up, so we'll see.

Maybe after more EMDR something will make sense.

Cant


I am completely taken aback, Cant. Not to give any connotations of disgust or revulsion by saying that. But I mean I'm surprised you would choose such an out-of-the-ordinary path to take your life down. Good luck to you, if this is really what you want. Though I'm protestant, some days I wonder if I should go become a monk. I really love study more than anything else (insofar as I love anything in this world at all anymore) and I'm sure being one would afford me a lot of time for that. It would also get me out of my parents' house finally. Hmmmm... Now you've got me kind of jealous.

I suppose, just remember Jesus' statement about the life of celibacy, that it's only for "those who can accept it", and there's no judgement either way if you become celibate, or choose to pursue marriage.


Edited by Life's A Dream (05/02/13 06:16 AM)

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#433285 - 05/02/13 11:47 AM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Yeah,

I get that it's an extreme decision. But I can't live alone. I mean, I won't make it. I am barely making it now, not not doing very well. Maybe 65% functional.

I think with the structure and foundation of an organization like the Jesuits, I could relieve myself of some of my greatest burdens: financial stress, loneliness, putting an end to the worry about whether I will find a girlfriend/relationship/marriage.

And it will allow me to focus on my strengths: writing, teaching, learning, doing, and God willing, working with other male survivors, which I have discovered I am good at, even while I struggle with my own issues.

I am just looking for a way to maximize my human potential on this Earth in the time that I have here. Most do this by marriage and raising a family. That's not an option to me. So, then what is?

This is one option for me. I'm pursuing it.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#433330 - 05/02/13 07:51 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Well done Cant. I think your application to the Jesuits (or to any Religious community for that matter) is fantastic. I was in the minor seminary during college. I did have some difficulty with situations which triggered PTSD issues, being invited out by older men for dinner for example. I also had difficulty trusting men who wanted to know me better, whose interest in me seemed too friendly.

These situations caused me to address abuse issues in my life still left unresolved. I never used counseling, but personal prayer and prayer from members in the charismatic renewal. I found that God was quick to respond and I grew in maturity. Today I am very grateful for those years. The Church was a real life raft at a time in my life when I was slowly going under.

I'll put in a prayer for you today.

Mac

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#433335 - 05/02/13 09:43 PM Re: The Cant update [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6711
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

I get that it's an extreme decision. But I can't live alone. I mean, I won't make it. I am barely making it now, not not doing very well. Maybe 65% functional.

I can understand this part. I'm living alone too and in some ways I'm not doing well. I'm learning how to eat and control my weight but I'm an inveterate loner because of my childhood stuff. I'm learning how to use my time and gifts better. I play music in several different groups. I could play in more groups but I wouldn't have time or energy for anything else.
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

I think with the structure and foundation of an organization like the Jesuits, I could relieve myself of some of my greatest burdens: financial stress, loneliness, putting an end to the worry about whether I will find a girlfriend/relationship/marriage.

OK I think I understand.

I just don't have a good knowledge base about Jesuits. I have heard good things. There was a monastery a few miles away from the city where I spent most of my teen years. Finally I learned it was a Jesuit monastery. But if I'm correct about that then it still sounds lonely. What happens when a bunch of guys corral themselves into a monastic situation. Maybe I'm wrong in looking at it this way. I have visions of a bunch of guys going around in sack-cloth robes tied with burgundy-colored drapery pulls. They would be arising at 4 am to pray for 4 hours and eat a breakfast of gruel and hard tack. Then work (alone) (at writing or studying?) for 4 hours and lunch together. They would grow their own food (this would be good). They probably wouldn't eat pork (this would be good, as I'm allergic to it). So no spare-ribs for you, buddy. smile Then in the afternoon you would again study or write several hours. Are you allowed to talk with each other over dinner? Then in the evening you would have evening vespers and retire early. Does this sound like the routine? What about young guys entering the order? Are there any predators there?
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

And it will allow me to focus on my strengths: writing, teaching, learning, doing, and God willing, working with other male survivors, which I have discovered I am good at, even while I struggle with my own issues.

What about getting a degree in being a counselor for male and/or female survivors? You could earn your bucks doing that and have evenings to write.

You are also a person with considerable personal charm. I very much enjoyed having dinner with you.

Well, I know that you have some extremely strong talents in these areas. You have an unusual ability for investigative reporting. You have been outstanding as a member of the male survivor community. We are all working on our issues. smirk
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

I am just looking for a way to maximize my human potential on this Earth in the time that I have here. Most do this by marriage and raising a family. That's not an option to me. So, then what is?

I think this is an excellent goal. And maybe this is the answer for you. If you tried it for awhile, would they allow you to resign?

I was married for 37 years. It worked because I found a good woman, probably not through any of my own efforts. Yes I believe there are good women out there. I became convinced that it was God's will for me to become married. It worked out physically but I had to study several books on marriage technique. It worked out relationally because she was a good woman and we worked at relationship. When I "remembered" the abuse I experienced as a child, then the relationship went through some stormy years.

We produced two children, both of whom seem happily adjusted and have their own children.

Originally Posted By: cant_remember

This is one option for me. I'm pursuing it.

Well, the monastery I used to pass near my home in teen years had huge grape arbors. Presumably they ate lots of grapes and made their own wine. But who knows, maybe it has gone to pot since then?

There is a monastic order about 30 miles south of where I live now. They grow their own food and have enough to sell to the public. They can pay for their own keep that way. I saw a presentation on it on public TV. It looked good.

I read a book a few years ago written by a young guy who lived near London. He grew up very poor but he was gifted intellectually. He was a survivor because of an incident in London. He went off to a R.C. Seminary. This to him was the equivalent of a higher education. He was physically strong and able to defend himself. He became convinced that masturbation was not something to do. He rigged up some ropes which would hold his hands upward when he was in bed so that he couldn't reach himself. I don't know whether he used burgundy drapery pulls or not. He was the only one who followed that procedure. He was just a young guy. They got a new professor at the school, who was apparently a perp. The young guy was passing the door of his office and he invited him in for "play" but he resisted.
The book is: Seminary Boy: A Memoir: by John Cornwell
http://www.amazon.com/Seminary-Boy-Memoir-John-Cornwell/dp/0385514875/


Puffer

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