** TRIGGER WARNING **
you will not be able to just zip through these links, and there are no short cuts.
there is lots to learn, and no one will never know all of it.
if you set out to explore this information,
please navigate the mine fields as slowly and safely as you possibly can.
i was obsessed and compelled to wade through hours of videotaped victim testimony on the above links.
this triggered all my hidden memories of my experience with clifford olson, and i recalled how he used me to bring new boys to the jobsite, with the promise of work, which i did, to my eternal shame and guilt.
this was the hardest thing for me to accept and forgive about myself.
i am not excusing what i did.
these were my reasons:
i did it to divert his attentions away from me, but i felt sick about it.
then i felt rejected and jealous when he ignored me and began his seduction routine with them.
then i felt like killing myself for putting these other boys my age at risk.
but i was too chickenshit to warn them.
i had to protect my reputation as a psycho tough guy.
i did not want the other guys to find out i was "gay" or "fag".
that was a dangerous label in Surrey in 1977.
anyone suspected of homosexuality was beaten and bullied mercilessly by gangs of "fagbashers".
i had seen it numerous times.
guys humiliated, forced to eat dogshit, lick boots, just for being effeminate or timid.
i was afraid clifford would kill me or hurt me if i told anyone what happened, or if i failed to comply.
i was worried that i was no longer useful to him.
now that he had already raped me twice, he did not seem to be interested in me anymore.
he was starting to talk very rude and mean to me.
insulting and degrading me, calling me dirty names,
but he kept me by his side most of the time, and never let me out of his control.
if i was recruiting, then i still had value, i reasoned.
i still can't understand why i just didn't run away.
once, after the first rape, i did not show up for work,
i was just sitting there at home, in a zombie robot trance.
unable to act one way or the other.
he called my house, just like any regular employer would,
talked to my mother on the telephone, gave me shit for being late,
and arrived at my house within the hour to pick me up.
when he asked "why didn't you come in today" i wanted to yell,
"because you raped me" but it was like it never happened and i was unable to speak the words,
so i said "i'm sorry, i slept in".
even when we were alone, i could not admit that he had raped me.
he shook my mother's hand and promised her that he was looking after me.
he would make sure i didn't mess up this job,
and that he would "straighten me out". "don't worry".
she was so charmed, and told me what a nice wonderful man he was.
i was lucky to have such an opportunity, such a lenient boss, and i should be more responsible.
it was so normal, i almost laughed out loud.
instead i apologized and he took me straight to a big house in a nice neighbourhood.
he took me downstairs to a sauna, and he raped me a second time.
the man who lived there stayed upstairs.
he seemed not to notice when cliff and i were walking around with nothing but towels on.
clifford insisted i wear a towel, he said my nudity was improper,
that i should "cover up".
although by this time, i did not understand his need for modesty,
considering what he had just done to me.
after this, the subtle threats and insults started.
i could feel his loathing toward me, like it was my fault.
he called me a "slut" for wanting to have sex with him.
then he said i liked it too much.
i remember this made me feel bad, like i had failed or disappointed him.
for the next few days, after meeting him,
my mother gushed about what a sharp dresser he was.
it made me sick that she (a single woman) was obviously attracted to the man who raped her son.
i did not tell her what he really was. i did not want to upset her, or get in trouble.
i did not trust her anyway, because she had already let me down.
when i was 12 i told her that the tenant in our basement suite had been molesting me.
she did nothing, and let him continue to live there, after he denied touching me.
but that is another story.
this is all very disturbing to convey, but it is brutal truth.
any ruthless person can brainwash a kid.
it doesn't take a genius, just a degenerate.
it is a cold science.
this is clifford olson. http://m.theglobeandmail.com/news/nation...?service=mobile http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clifford_Olson
as i mentioned...
NOT ONE WORD of his involvement with government youth employment agencies, church people, or construction company.
he was one of the bosses, hiring and firing, and was in charge of several job sites, or so it seemed. he was literally running a stable of young kids (mostly boys), from which he could pick and choose.
and there were those other adults, one of which was some kind of VIP from some local church, one of them owned or managed the construction company which had employed or contracted clifford.
none of these other men ever touched me, but... they were there, they appeared to be tight with him, several of us boys and one adult witnessed a non-sexual assault and robbery of a boy (clifford had picked him up hitch-hiking), which occurred right on the jobsite. the assault included choking and a death threat from clifford. clifford took his money and marijuana.
kept the cash and gave us the weed. i can't remember how that incident was instigated, but he was frightening and ferocious for a few minutes, and went right back to his jovial charismatic personality, seconds later, like it never happened. we just went back to work, the kid ran away and we never saw him again.
i vividly remember cliff literally picked him up by the throat with one hand and threw him like a doll. the kid landed in the dirt a few feet away, and cliff was instantly leaning over him, choking him until his face was red. the attack was very sudden, and seemed unprovoked. it happened after cliff took his bag of marijuana and refused to give it back. he took the money from the kid while he was choking him.
at that time, olson bragged more than once, to me and others, that he had killed people.
none of this really seemed suspicious to me until i got to be a mature adult parent myself. those other adults should have reported these activities. from what i understood, they were part of some sort of prisoner/work/parole deal.
cliff was there to help troubled youth with his stories of rehabilition and repentance, and boy did he love to tell his stories about how he found jesus and turned his badass life of crime and jail around. how he had shot people, including cops. all the boys either feared or respected him.
here is the story as i posted it ten years ago. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...76022#Post76022
many new memories have surfaced since then.
when the sh!t hit the fan at the end of this incident (1977), there was chaos, violence and disclosure, the police were involved at that time, and everyone on the jobsite know what he had done, and yet... ?
he disappeared until he was arrested many years later for a series of child murders(1981).
at that time i reinvolved myself into the case, reporting what had happened to me and others, naming names to the police detectives investigating the murders. they initially tried to discourage me from continuing, with remarks like:
"are you sure you want to do this?"
"are you sure that's what happened?"
"we're not sure it relates to our case"
"what are you hoping to get out of this?"
"what is it that you want us to do about it?"
"why did you consent to rape the second time?"
"what do you mean he had some sort of power over you? that doesn't make any sense"
"there's really no need for you to come forward, we got him already"
"why didn't you come forward earlier?"
"we already have enough evidence to convict"
"a couple of hundred rape victims have already come forward, there are more than we need."
"there's not really much we can do" etc.
i am paraphrasing of course.
this may be standard operation procedure for a multiple murder investigation, or they may have thought i was lying to get attention.
at this point, i was a fairly fucked up 20 year old.
i just felt like they were not interested, like i was trying to report a petty theft (NOT MULTIPLE RAPES AND ASSAULTS), as if they wanted to avoid the paperwork headache. when i insisted they take my testimony in writing, just to get it on record, they controlled what went onto the police report, coaching me, leaving tons of details out. it was strange. i was never contacted by anyone else again after that.
i did not get my day in court, and the accuser never faced the abuser.
none of it adds up now that i have the luxury of hindsight, but it far too late to fix it.
the whole thing stinks of cover-up, but i can't tell if his accomplices and associates were "in the know", if they were "in denial", or simply "out to lunch".
innocent people may be covering their tracks just to avoid being connected to scandal.
maybe clifford was just a master manipulator and had these adults under his spell as well.
hard to tell where the incompetence ends and the evil begins.
although the details are never clear... it feels like something organized is behind this...
i was given drugs and drinks (spiked?) with other adults present, then isolated, threatened with death, but not tortured or tied up... but like i said... fuzzy memories keep surfacing... but the memories are detached like i am watching it happen to others... and i am never sure if they are real or imagined or maybe i saw them in a movie.
by the time clifford olson got his hands on me i was already the perfect victim... groomed by other abusers, looking for love, low self esteem, street kid, etc.
so i was not hard to "handle"
i remember feeling like i belonged there.
this happened over only a few weeks until i was "rescued" by another victim, but i can barely remember anything but a few moments of intense isolated incidents.
those "moments" however are as clear and real as this moment.
i can travel back in time anytime i want.
one wonders what would have happened to me if i had not been saved by circumstance.
it is almost certain that the perpetrators/predators in most of these cases are traumatized/programmed victims of long-term sexual abuse themselves, who never managed to escape.
many are trapped since childhood in a sick self-perpetuating culture of violence, fear, and intimidation.
and having participated, often unwillingly, in crimes against other children, including rape, recruiting, kidnapping, etc...
these atrocities are filmed in many cases.
this can be held against the sex slaves for blackmail purposes, which forces continued "voluntary" participation until their souls are scarred and scared, and many feel beyond redemption, unworthy of forgiveness, fear reprisal for betraying their abusers, or fear public exposure, prosecution and punishment for what they have done.
you can imagine how deep they are buried spiritually.
this is "stockhold syndrome" and "vampirism" all rolled into one.
this is a very complex generational problem that goes way back in history.
maybe some were born sadistic sociopaths, but i believe most were manufactured and trained.
some, unfortunately, are born into these pedocults.
thank god i did not became one of these sociopaths.
no matter how hard i tried to erase all trace of "weakness" (empathy-conscience-emotion) from my personality, using my "vulcan logic"... i could not rid myself of my humanity.
after decades of detachment, i am still trying to combine my head's comprehension with my heart's compassion to overcome my compulsions.
"Do not call conspiracy
everything this people calls a conspiracy;
do not fear what they fear,
and do not dread it.
The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy,
he is the one you are to fear,
he is the one you are to dread
Isaiah 8:12-13 (New International Version) http://www.biblestudytools.com/isaiah/passage.aspx?q=isaiah+8:12-13