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#432779 - 04/28/13 07:37 PM Prop from the Past
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
This week in T, I held a section of hot wheels track. May not seem like a big deal to most people, but I was spanked at home with those, and beaten with that by a perp when I was like 9. His way of making sure I kept my mouth shut. My T and I had talked about it, and I was totally sure I could hold it now "being all grown up".

He brought out the track and it got me nervous just seeing it. Still I took it, was shaking and started to cry too, but did it for about 45 seconds. Next week, I'll hold it again and the week after and the week after...till it is just a toy and not a symbol of hurt. I think it's a step forward, least as far as I can understand steps being new to T and healing. It's like just one more thing to deal with but my T says face it to stomp it, and I will. Someday will find the end of these steps too. Am not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it. I don't want to, but I don't think trying to just push all the stuff away works at all either, and this is working. Has anyone else done this, like used a prop that represents something bad?
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#432782 - 04/28/13 09:03 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I have not done this, but it sounds like good work.

I can understand how a symbol of your abuse like the Hot Wheels track could be triggering for you -- not to mention painful to get spanked with. Ouch!

Keep at it, Buffalo. You're doing great.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#432784 - 04/28/13 09:21 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: BuffaloCO
It's like just one more thing to deal with but my T says face it to stomp it, and I will. .... Am not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it..... Has anyone else done this, like used a prop that represents something bad?

Hey Buff,

Yeah, my T has held a pillow on top of me (simulating a person on top) and had me push it away shouting NO! Defending myself the way I wish I had done against my abuser. I hate the feeling of the pillow holding me down, but the feeling of fighting back, saying NO, and making myself safe, is awesome.

Keep up the good work man. Facing this shit is the only way out.

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#432785 - 04/28/13 09:27 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Jude

Yeah, my T has held a pillow on top of me (simulating a person on top) and had me push it away shouting NO! Defending myself the way I wish I had done against my abuser. I hate the feeling of the pillow holding me down, but the feeling of fighting back, saying NO, and making myself safe, is awesome.


Just reading that nearly made me panic. I doubt I could ever trust any person enough to do that, to take on any element of a physical re-enactment. Very impressively gutsy.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#432788 - 04/28/13 09:43 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3357
Loc: somewhere in Africa
it was suggested that I take out my "anger" on an object with hands, voice and even a stick or whatever - similar to some of the stuff that was done to me, but I couldn't do it. didn't feel the need or desire - got really self-conscious about even the thought - felt like it would be a phony act of just going through the motions. almost like imitating the abuse and becoming an abuser myself. I guess I didn't focus that much on the object that was used to beat me. it was just an extension of HIM. and I didn't really even want to hurt him - just make him disappear.
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As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#432790 - 04/28/13 10:14 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 703
Loc: Southeast USA
I have to agree with Matt. I'd have a tough time with a physical reenactment like that. I applaud the trust.

On the other hand, my T once asked what I would do if given unfettered access to him...

My answer: To put the ever-loving fear into him without touching him even once.

Will
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Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#432795 - 04/28/13 10:50 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
I had talked about it, how I had seen them in the toy store in December an how that brought stuff back. Was sure I was over it, not afraid of it anymore. Even held the box in the store and that wasn't bad. He just had me hold it. If he had taken a swing at me with it, I don't even know what would have happened, but I knew he would not do that. It's a thing, a little piece of plastic an nothing more, but inside it's like some "thing" coming alive from the past almost as bad as running into one of them would be again even though Im not a preteen anymore. It's stupid programming and I hate it, but will erase that program somehow and for good. Thanks for all the comments. I really didn't know if this was weird or not.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#432796 - 04/28/13 10:53 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
That's really a strong thing to be doing, Buff. Don't know if I could that. And I know for certain I haven't the trust in someone else to come near me with a pillow... just couldn't, Jude. You guys seem to have some rather clever Ts to work with. It takes effort on their part to just collect the materials. I am impressed.
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For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432840 - 04/29/13 10:44 AM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hold it Buff ... feel it ... let the power it has over you transform itself into the power your new strength has over it ... as a thing and a symbol ... and when you're ready ...
break the fucking thing in half.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#432950 - 04/29/13 10:19 PM Re: Prop from the Past [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: soccerstar
Just reading that nearly made me panic. I doubt I could ever trust any person enough to do that, to take on any element of a physical re-enactment.

Originally Posted By: thisman
And I know for certain I haven't the trust in someone else to come near me with a pillow... just couldn't, Jude.
I didn't say it was easy, but it helped me accept the point that I'm not that helpless boy any longer. I'm a grown man who can and will defend himself when necessary.

Never say never guys. I'm at a point where I will do anything, whatever it takes, to get that prick who abused me off my back, and get myself healthy. I've wasted way too much of my life already to shrink from facing the pain, shame, and fear anymore.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread Buffalo. Like you said: I"m not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it." Run with it man!

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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