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#432775 - 04/28/13 06:36 PM Constant Crisis
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I used to think that maybe I was wrong; we're not in constant crisis. The long work hours for little money, the former business partners who screwed him over financially, the low-wage jobs when he returned to his old line of work...

No. It's not me. He was fired Friday. I'm so tired of him not believing me and trusting my gut instinct when I say "___ isn't trustworthy, you're taking the 'big money' bait." Every. Single. Time. Every time. For 6 years, it's been an endless list of getting effed over and living poor because he makes crap decisions. i'm nearly unemployable after years of caring for the kids and because our SN kid prohibits me from working normal hours.

When is it going to end? When will he stop chasing the pipe dream of being his own boss? We have $250 for a week, groceries to buy (don't qualify for emergency food stamps in our state) and he's insisting he "won't work for the man" ever again.

Some men act out sexually. Some run to their egos and work.

I'm so hurt and angry. I love him and am tired of living with his shame, his resulting huge ego and not enough money to pay medical bills, much less anything else. I'm tired of other recovering alkies telling me that "if I only had enough faith..." blah blah blah. Someone needs to read him the riot act, and it's not my job. I wouldn't be nice about it.

I have no clue what to do. Oh yeah, and he forgot my birthday this week until he logged onto a social media account and got the reminder. it's always all about him. I feel like his contributions to our marriage are beginning to look like lip service.

Eff it. I'm going back to al anon tomorrow.

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#432860 - 04/29/13 12:53 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Someone needs to read him the riot act, and it's not my job.


And he wouldn't listen to you anyway. This is where you need an outside party to look at the facts, identify the problems, and then set goals and strategies to achieve them. And I'm sure you could do this quicker but, again, he doesn't listen to you.

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#432895 - 04/29/13 05:52 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thanks, Candu. Exactly: he won't listen to me.

Last week, before the firing, he skipped therapy because he didn't have the $. Since our MC is free, he did go to that, but it was the day before termination at work and neither of us knew.

He's applying for jobs online, and that's good, but he's leaving the immediate need for food and $ to me. I can't make the state process our applications for aid any faster (and it appears they've completely screwed up all the info I already gave them, thus delaying anything. So I get to go camp out at their office tomorrow until they get it right.) it's as if he thinks I'll come to the rescue. this time, I don't have a backup savings like I usually do, and I can't bail us out financially.

I also re-applied with my former employer today, and have child care pretty much worked out so I can have completely open availability. But my earnings won't support us. I'll be hitting some food pantries tomorrow too.

Being NC with family means not borrowing from them. This sucks. I have no clue who is going to get through to him. I do know he's not attending AA meetings right now, and neither am I. We're not drinking, but that also means we aren't in contact with other recovering (alkie) people.

Any survivors want to weigh in on this one? I really feel like push has come to shove, and while he's taking the long-term actions, the cleanup-the-mess of his short-term actions is falling on me. Is this fairly common, and what have others done in this situation?

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#433019 - 04/30/13 11:21 AM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
sugarbaby Online   content


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 336
Quote:
I'm so tired of him not believing me and trusting my gut instinct when I say "___ isn't trustworthy, you're taking the 'big money' bait." Every. Single. Time. Every time.


Wow.....I am in that same boat. I never heard that mentioned here before!

H is better about that now but I don't know if it is because he learned a few harsh lessons or the fact that I get downright cut throat when I even THINK he is being a sucker for some BS.

Oh....I get mean now. I feel like an *sshole but honest to god his 'quick money fix' or 'wanna help someone out' BS has led me down so many crappy paths that I just go for the jugular every time now.

We have our own business and his mother is actually a repeat offender with 'so and so is out of work, can you help him?'. FYI - usually that so and so person is a chronic drunk who is ALWAYS out of work. Sometimes H wavers and I just say 'you tell her to ask me' as meanly as possible. She will never ask me. She knows better and that pisses me off more about it.

When he was in the hospital for a month it was a pretty tough lesson for him. Rarely did his 'buddies' or family visit (but I did every day) and NO ONE saw him in the psyche ward except me. I think that lesson was pretty tough on him and it has carried over when he gets the "got any work for me?" BS.

I feel bad for him that he believed in people that didn't have his best interests in mind....but then he didn't believe in me who always had his best interests in mind.

I'm curious what the guys have to say. Is it a CSA thing? or just a human thing?


Edited by sugarbaby (04/30/13 11:30 AM)

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#433077 - 04/30/13 06:19 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
here's an update:
Today he applied for one more job online, then got on CL *red flag red flag* I'm trying to not hover over his shoulder. I dragged him with me to a food pantry, and he seemed ok with it, far more ok than I am. I'm struggling with my own 'self-sufficiency or you suck' old tapes.

He's not doing anything around the house he committed to do. When I asked if he could watch the kids so I could go to an AA meeting tonight, he got mad and in a patronizing tone, said he was already planning on going to one. (It is actually men's night...at a group 20 miles away when we have $200 to last indefinitely.)His entitlement is over-the-top today; he wants to escape, yet I'm the one here with the kids.

We argued about the fact that since the bills are in my name, not being able to pay them affects my credit, not his. Suspicious that I might be planning to leave, he said "what the f does that matter?" I told him the truth: poor credit limits my job options, and it's already not looking too good from the last time this happened, when the last business failed, and the previous providers were billed in my name too. He told me I'm being selfish.

He spent two hours on the phone with former co-workers (female) today, gossiping, and is barely speaking to me.

This is going downhill and not looking too good. It seems I'm expected to be only supportive and express no negative feelings again, else I trigger his already-festering shame, while finding us money via loans from relatives to bail us out. The relatives are done with that and all said "no".

Welcome back to last January.

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#433135 - 05/01/13 08:36 AM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Air

I can feel your pain.
Question, Is he healing from his past, what is he doing to deal with the pain from his childhood?

He does not have the self confidence and self belief to get a good job, he might be the best at what he does, but he does not want to ask for the money that he should be earning.
If he has not faced his past, then he will not be able to confidently ask for his worth. He still feels unworthy, undeserving. Years of being told that you are useless and worthless will do this to any man.
Look at the good, he has survived the most horrific thing that any man can SEXUAL ABUSE. yes at some point this must end and no longer be an excuse, but at some point he needs to deal with it.

Is he in a support group? does he even know that he doesn't love himself? does he even understand how the abuse affects his life?

So many question
Hope this helps Air
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#433268 - 05/02/13 09:38 AM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 334
Loc: NY
Airmid:

A therapist recently made the distinction for me between distress and healing.

What it meant to me was that sometimes, as I feel I am in a place of renegotiating my past, I can either successfully survive the pain or put myself in greater distress. Surviving the pain and finding new strength is empowering. Getting stuck in distress makes it hard to be functional and increases the shame and powerlessness.

Is there a simple answer for how to recognize the difference? Is it possible for an outsider to always judge? No, I don't think so. But even being able to make the distinction is a powerful antidote to despair for the survivor.

That being said, I think it is good to remind a survivor that reducing distress is the best way to make recovery possible. There are probably a million ways to do this in the midst of a relationship, but however it is done, from whatever distance and in whatever form, it is caring.

I am raising children with a survivor of sexual abuse. When we have moments of stability, I treasure them because they not only feel good in the present, but heal the past pain, little by oh so little. There are times when I am sure I act as if stability is the furthest thing from my mind. But inside I am always trying to get back there.

Don't know if this applies, but hoping it says something to you.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#433616 - 05/05/13 02:50 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Whome and focused, thank you.

Things are still up and down. He's acting secretive still, and is incredibly defensive, but is participating in date night and doing things around the house, as well as attending school functions with the kids. I'm sure he's feeling a lot of shame right now. Honestly, I'm not sure what I can do for him other than to recognize the positive living efforts he's making. I dislike being in the position of not pointing out when he's slacking or expecting me to do things for him via assumptions and acting without communicating plans, etc. However, I'm his wife, not his mother. That controlling behavior has been a major sticking point throughout our relationship. An attitude of entitlement from either of us is not our friend.

Whome, I'm not sure what, if anything, he's doing to heal right now. He's stopped going to recovery meetings, doesn't call his AA sponsor, but isn't drinking. He's skipped the past two weeks of therapy, and they've said they're willing to adjust his fee down more, so he starts back this week. He has never told me any details of abuse he might have discussed in therapy, but has told me of realizations he's had surrounding his FOO and their dynamics. He's not in a support group; I'm not sure if the DV center here has one for male survivors. When he was still in his 'hiding out' phase and insisting I seek help for my CSA, he went to a supporters' group. I thought about asking the MC or my IC if they have a men's survivor group, although I'm not sure how to approach it if the answer is "yes".

Focused, he's definitely in distress mode. That's within his comfort zone. I finally sat him down and told him that "doing" is fine, but he is "just doing" at the expense of "being" and that it appears he's using it to run rather than face what might needs to change within. He got mad and told me I'm not his therapist. I suggested he reconsider his attitude toward challenges from spouses in marriage, because we have to live with each other, not the friends or therapists in our lives.

I guess he thought about it, because that night he took me with him to gauge perception of a potential client for a consulting job. He said, without anger, that my gut instinct has been right about this before, and he wanted my take on it. After the meeting, he asked my opinion, I gave it (don't work with them) along with the behaviors I saw that led me to that opinion, and then...he took the client on.

I think there are three people in my marriage: me, him and his ego-based fear.


Edited by Airmid (05/05/13 02:55 PM)

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#434562 - 05/13/13 12:23 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
HUGE Update:

he did it! He not only got another job within two weeks, he completely stood up for his worth! He asked for help! He was offered exactly what he feels his performance on the job is worth, with a company that has an amazing business ethic! He talked to me about his fears, his goals and how he HAS to break the old lies in his head so he can thrive.

This is a major major move in his healing! I'm so excited for him, proud of him and moved by his strength!


Edited by Airmid (05/13/13 12:23 PM)
Edit Reason: because coffee has failed my spelling abilities

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#434655 - 05/14/13 01:44 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 22
Loc: USA
smile That is Awesome Airmid!
Thanks for sharing. That is wonderful that your husband esteemed your good common sense and intuition!
Good for both of you!!

L

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#436858 - 06/04/13 03:44 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Update:
Not so fast, there.

He's back to over-working, although less than before. Since his disclosure in MC, I reminded him that he's able to be seen for free by the local DV center, who also specialize in CSA/SA for both men and women. He declined and said he'll go back after he adjusts into work some and we have money again. (We're still facing eviction, but hopefully will stay put.)

He's still appreciated at work, but has again made work the focus of much of our conversation, and has reverted back to inappropriate actions: leering (full body) at other women when we're on dates, controlling how our sex life plays out, going into work early and staying 2-4 hours late routinely...it doesn't appear that he's breaking any old lies at all.

"We're out of the woods now, all is well" seems to be where he's at. I'd say I know for sure, but most of our conversations are either about finances or fluffy stuff. After I fielded a collection call for his vehicle yesterday, I got angry with him (on the phone, no less). He said "you know, sometimes I just can't handle the stress", and my reply was to ask why he felt I could, without warning. Today he's paying enough to keep the vehicle, and assumed I'd go with him.

I've taken on some side work (art-related; it's been a long time, and feels really good to create again!) I'm also advocating for all three kids as the end of school transition is here and a few problems have cropped up for each kid regarding things like transfers, acceleration testing for them, etc. I wussed out on meetings and fired my AA sponsor after she didn't return calls or texts for three weeks, so I'm committed to go group-shopping this week, as well as to make one new friend in the next month. I'm selling off some of my antiques collection for money.

Today in therapy, my IC pointed out that I do come from a place of compassion with him, and am adjusting my actions to his. I'm also a survivor, and his controlling behaviors are triggering me. This week his big thing is sexist comments, and I have no tolerance for that. He knows it triggers me, down to specific phrases he's insisting on using. I told the IC that, and he asked if I'm ready to apply for FAFSA, get back to school and work on a long-term plan, should my husband continue to refuse IC for his own CSA even though he's disclosed. That's hard to face, that it may be time to begin working toward planning to not be together any more if he stays in denial, yet continues the emotional abuse. I didn't even want to admit that he's still being emotionally abusive. It's rough. My husband is still a good friend, but right now, I'm having a hard time respecting him since he's regressing and back in denial. Doing this dance is wrecking me even as I grow and do more for myself.



Edited by Airmid (06/04/13 03:46 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling

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#437173 - 06/06/13 11:30 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 334
Loc: NY
Airmid:

It seems like you are both under stress, as you both pointed out to each other, although maybe in not the best way.

Yes, your place of compassion is your m.o. with him. If he is not fully facing his demons, then this is a strong place for you to be. I can't speak from experience, as my former spouse and I are still currently separated, but I would think that such compassion can't ever really be set aside. It's fine for people who have routine stress to let it slide sometimes. But for survivors who are struggling with the past and often dancing as fast as we can to avoid it, true compassion may inspire us to remember that healing is not worth dropping.

Hope you can take some time to breathe and let a little compassion for yourself in too.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#437411 - 06/08/13 09:50 AM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thank you, focused. I forget that I need to be kind to myself too.

We talked the other night, and he's ready. The biggest help has turned out not to have anything to do with the marriage: his boss at his new job completely respects him, and that's raising his true confidence so much! He hadn't said much about it, and I figure that silence about success is his inner shame telling him he's not worth it. But he is, and it's good to hear him say the compliments and responsibility feel good. Maybe hearing how solid he is from others lets him know I'm not crazy for thinking he's so awesome...

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