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#432774 - 04/28/13 06:23 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
This is weerd to me since the age I've always perceived myself to be has been dam strange, and i'm only just realizing that others perceptions aren't the same.

As a child, ---- and still more as a very intelligent child, I always came across as older than I was. After I'd lost most of my eyesite at age 7, been to boarding school and undergone emotional abuse at age 10, and lost my best friend at age 12, I was at such a different level to other teenagers age wise it wasn't surprising I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no friends my age since how the hell could I be friends with people making jokes about toilet humour when I wanted to discuss astro physics or talk about jrr tolkien. Even computer games which had always for me been a point where I could interact with kids my age previous to being a teenager lost their appeal since people just stopped being interested in them anymore.

I longed to be 18 and go to university, and indeed attended several seminars in the youth branche of the counsel for christians and jews because they said at 13 I came across more like a 18 year old.

It's no wonder isolation turned to bullying and abuse, indeed I was always told I was being arrogant, ahving all the right answers, thinking I was better than everything else and these were things I started to believe.

The irony is that physically, I looked if anything even younger. My mum found a picture of me with my first dog as a puppy and said I looked about 10, yet I was 13, I also didn't start shaving until i was 16, and my voice hadn't properly broken until I was nearly 20, (I could still sing boy soprano at 21).

In my late teens and early 20's everything seemed great. There were the legacies of my abuse, the depression, the isolation, but things seemed perfect and I even had friends, and I still remember doing my A levels (at a different schyool to that where I'd experienced the abuse), and my first year of uni with a lot of plesaure.

As time passed though, it seemed I was just hitting limbo. I began to feel older and older, to the point that at 23 I felt as though I was absolutely passed it and all the good in my life had utterly passed. This feeling got worse, especially as all of my friends got married and found perminant relationships and yet I was still in the same place I'd been when i was 18 and first realized there was something with another person (in my case a female person), that was different from friendship.

At 25 I tried a last ditch effort to make my feelings known to a girl i'd fallen in love with and that put me straight into recovery, which was like all the worst bits. I thought if I was four or five years older than someone I was like some creepy old beerded man hanging around with a bunch of teenagers, it also helped that I never really got the irrisponsability thing either.

I'm now 30, ajnd one ironic thing is lots of people think I'm three or five years younger.

It's quite weerd, over the last year I've felt younger than I have for quite some time, and have no longer felt passed things particularly with finishing my doctorate and looking at starting music school. Still, in my darker moments thirty does feel a little scary, but it all depends upon my point of view.

if I stick on a computer game and have fun playing it, or play with the many statues and models on my shelf, --- well I enjoy it! If I discuss quantom physics, science, aesthetics or ethics with someone and am taken seriously, well I enjoy that too.

One thing I've noticed about age is that however the sterriotypes go, there are good and bad points. The bad! of feeling helpless and powerless as a kid, or of feeling unwanted as an old person, but there are equal good bits, and all of those are alterable according to attitude.

A far darker side to things I have noticed is jealousy. Jealousy of the pretty kid (of either genda), who gets things because of they look, or a jealousy of the compitant old person who gets thing because of their position. That is much harder to deal with, since whichever scale I'm on I always come up short.

One ironic thing, is that I don't really want to be middle aged, but I'd really like to be actually old, indeed since men in my family get silver hair, I want to do the full blown wizard thing, staff, long grey beerd, ---- heck I've already got the glasses! laugh

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#432786 - 04/28/13 09:27 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hey Poorsoft,

Good thread. I am 56 and my regret about growing old is just that I wasted so many years (about 1/3 of my life) avoiding dealing with the CSA and reaping the resulting alcoholism, sexual acting out, and broken relationships.

Things are getting better, and I can only move forward for however many years I have left. I don't feel "old", and am usually surprised when I catch my reflection in a mirror or window (who is that guy?). Recently a 60 year old woman was flirting with me, and I thought to myself "hold on, she's 60 and I'm only.....uhh oh yeah I'm not 22 anymore."

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#432797 - 04/28/13 11:11 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I do remember some good things, but not really, from the childhood. It is so distant and so unchanging. I prefer not to think about it. I do remember dreaming of being older and out on my own. Away from the emotional and physical and sexual abuses. I do remember that.

But then life took over. As Shyshark so beautifully put it, getting older isn't an option. And it isn't. Unless, of course, you fail to breathe. 1 - 17...OMG- WTF!!!, 20s...pretty cool, marriage babies, 30s... pretty cool still, 40s....holy shit- was really hard, 50s....pretty cool, then wham! 5 yrs left to find me again .......60s-100s... I want to dream again... and I will.
heck-o'-pete, yes, I want to get older. I deserve it. But I want to be at peace within the heart. Yes I do.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432815 - 04/29/13 04:11 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Shyshark Online   sad


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 419
Loc: Canada
It's 02:09 here.
I have sat maybe 6 or 7 times on this chair ... staring at this damn 'box' where I should be able to say what should be said ...
and can't find the words to explain how I feel.
I have been consumed with your questions Poorsoft ... all day ... to the point that I am now in tears ...
and I don't really know why.
There isn't enough room here to hold what I want to say ... if I could say it.
It's easy enough to speak ... I am rarely at a loss for words ...
But that's just talk.
I'm a 59 year old man unable to voice ... much less grasp ... what happened
56 years ago ... 55 years ago ... 54 years ago ... 53 years ago ... 52 years ago ... 49 years ago ...
and even more to the point ...
HOW IT SHAPED MY LIFE
I will not sleep tonight unless I drug myself into a coma ... and I will ... now.
I can't bear the frustration ...
I put that away damn it !!!!!
It should still be stuffed at the very back of my emotional closet ... with the door locked ...
in the dark where it should be ... where I put it ... where I hide from it ...
but there's no escape.
Yes Poorsoft ... I was ... I am 'different' ... and neither time nor age has saved me.
I wish my childhood away.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#433015 - 04/30/13 10:16 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
poorsoft, everyone,

yep. hit the nail on the head here with me. today, i turn 32. 26 years ago, my life changed, forever. 26 years later, i am finally letting the gravity and the reality of my experience set in. it sucks, but it's true, so there's joy in hoping that once i assimilate the truth, i can continue with my life.

but yes, i do remember vividly wanting to grow up, quickly. wanting to be married, having babies... KNOWING i could be a BETTER FATHER than my asshole father. knowing i could do a better job of parenting. when i was 6, i grew up in an instant and i wanted to be an adult.

now that i am an adult, i feel like an emotional 6 year old. i feel as though i want to go back. but as another poster said, i wouldn't relive my childhood for a million bucks. in fact, I'D GIVE IT ALL UP! (i've got a pretty good life, externally. no debt, savings, a good job, great wife). I'd give all of it up to be a child who was not abused. i'd give it all up to have had loving, attentive parents who valued me more than what they did.

poorsoft, i think i get what you're asking and yes, i couldn't wait to be an adult. not because that's what kids do, but that's because what sexually abused, coping children do.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#433036 - 04/30/13 12:44 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 11:14 PM)

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#433095 - 04/30/13 09:29 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 130
Loc: Michigan
I spent my entire teenage years clawing at leaving the house and never EVER under any circumstances, returning. I hated him and everything remotely related to him. My 18th birthday was the best, because I was free. Shortly after, I got my own apartment. That first year and a half was a pure celebration.

Then the honeymoon wore off.

Now that I was out of the abusive house, now I have to cope. This has been and continues to be the single largest struggle in my life.

Getting older then was all I ever wanted. Now, as I grow older, I feel more and more hopeless that I'll never cope in any meaningful way with the CSA. Perhaps I'm being a fatalist (a common feeling among us). But the older I get, the greater my fear, the darker the cloud, the longer the struggle.

I did everything right up to this point! It's not fair that I (or anyone else here) should carry this cross. I fear one day I'll spiral into an infinitely dark place and never escape.

It makes me ill thinking that I'll still be feeling like this 10 or 20 years from now.

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#434830 - 05/16/13 07:00 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
I really didn't, despite many people thinking I would love to been older. I didn't want to get old, because I was in a constant state of mourning of my childhood, even as I lived it.

Anyone felt the same? Different?


Felt exactly the same. I had constant panic attacks and nervous breakdowns about it, even before puberty. It kept me up for hours in a state of anxiety over the future. I was so afraid of growing up. I don't think that fear has ever left me, and I believe you may be spot on: it was a constant state of mourning over our childhoods, even while we were still bloody children!

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#434868 - 05/16/13 05:21 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
I do look forward to getting older - it beats the alternative.

The sexual abuse stole my youth. My teen years were lived in fear and loathing. My twenties were a time of healing, but back into fear, loathing and sexual acting out throughout my 30's and 40's. Now that I am in sexaholics anonymous, I feel like the healing process of my 20's is back in full swing except this time with the loving support of my brothers in program.

yep! I am grateful for each day of sobriety. If I close my eyes at the final curtain sober, I will be happy.

Mac

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#434904 - 05/16/13 11:45 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
It's sad to read this comments, but equally it fills me with joy that no; I'm not insane. OTHER people did what I did and you've all demonstrated it well. THANK YOU for your heart felt replies.

I'll be turning 26 soon enough and when a birthday comes I usualy do petty little games, of course; only I play these games like "Oh today is the last day I'm this age".

I don't look back at the year that I've just completed, but I do look back at my whole life and think - Fuck; you're not young anymore. It's done, get over, move on.

Urgh :P

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