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#432729 - 04/28/13 10:09 AM Did you look forward to 'getting older?'
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I really didn't, despite many people thinking I would love to been older. I didn't want to get old, because I was in a constant state of mourning of my childhood, even as I lived it.

Anyone felt the same? Different?

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#432735 - 04/28/13 10:50 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
as a kid, i wanted to be old enough to be on my own. i loved orphan stories and envied them. couldn't wait to get away from home because that's where lots of the abuse happened.

as a young adult i looked much younger than i was and wanted to look my age. it wasn't till i was nearly 30 that people thought i was old enough to be in a bar or buy booze.

now that i AM "older" i don't feel my age - i often feel more like i did as a teen or young adult. but then again, sometimes i feel about 100 years old. what i regret is not being able to start my healing process until so late in life.

i don't know where this is going - guess i'm just as messed up as you, Poorsoft - just in a different way.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#432739 - 04/28/13 11:17 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Poorsoft - "Grow up, but don't grow old"...that's what I tell myself.

Can relate to the oscillation in age too...but I reckon there's a lot of fun to be found in filling in the gap between being a teen, and being 100. I personally don't think it is a bad thing. It can put you on emotional roller coasters for sure, but it also means you can have a lot of fun hanging out with jumpy, energetic, youthful and hopeful kids, just as much as you would having a deep, mature conversation with older adults. Like having the best of both worlds, because people unfortunately just fall into one category, and they're kind of...boring.

And besides, all the years in between that you can now spend time on, creating new memories and experiences. That can be pretty cool. Want to have so many good ones that they overpower the negative ones, not just from CSA, but the others after it as well...and it's starting to work. In a nutshell, think there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be old.

Husky
_________________________
Husky

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#432745 - 04/28/13 12:52 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
to Poorsoft et al

When I was young I wanted to get ollder so I could overcome the hopelessness of abuse. I was always looking older than I was. Also, I took on responsibility way beyond my age. At 14 I was tutoring in the projects (before I even knew what a project was. At 15 I was heading up more than 100 kids registering minorities to vote. We registered 4,000 people in Virginia during Mississippi Summer (twice as many as were registered in Mississippi).

At 16 I had my first federal grant, I was able to walk into an Alcohol Beverage Control facility and buy booze without being carded. I would leave my house at 6 am and get home at 10 pm at night for most of my high school. I was operating with little sense of having to be a child so I didn't a sense of loss of my childhood, I just thought I hadn't had a childhood. That was a method I had to not acknowledge I had loss. After all if I hadn't had a child hood, I couldn't have lost what I never had.

Now I am 64 and around 62b I finally got it that I had had loss. Now I am trying to greive my losses. (and to stop minimizing it and telling myself I was complicit in sexual and physical abuse.)

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#432746 - 04/28/13 01:28 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Mixed bag here, as everyone else has indicated. I wanted to be old enough to drive, get in to clubs, get the fuck out of an abusive home, etc., and it felt at the time like it took forever. Others' perceptions of me were different..."older" voice because I had the broadcast training, but younger look (STILL) because of genetics, my activity level and no snow/winter environment...and attitude. In a good way, I seem to have become stuck somewhere in my 30s. So, I'd have to answer yes, I looked forward to getting older in some ways as long as it didn't involve getting completely outta shape, wearing a suit and tie, perpetual griping or becoming overly serious.

And there's something to be said for NOT operating on hormones.

The big change has been my perception of time. Feels like it now goes too fast for my comfort. I'm also aware I'm considerably "younger" than many of my contemporaries. Haven't lost my sense of fun, irony, or bullshit detection. otoh, given my chronological age I've reluctantly concluded I won't be competing with the Cornhuskers Mens Gymnastics team - still funny to me, even months later - but I can deal on the same business level as the grownups. I'll admit my inclination to vomit when I see my contemporaries wearing lo-rise or skinny jeans - wtf? - or multiple piercings (even Morgan Freeman's ear ring bothers me).


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#432749 - 04/28/13 01:41 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
When I was twelve or thirteen, the sexual abuse started and I sometimes wore charcoal beards. I wanted to be a bearded mountain man rather than the hairless mouse I was. If I was older and bigger, I figured I could say "no" with authority and "no" might actually happen.
_________________________



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#432752 - 04/28/13 02:51 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Perhaps a different perspective here ...

I just turned 59 ... I can't believe it ... but I am 59.

As a child I lived in several different worlds ... each requiring a
'select me', ... believing early on that something was wrong with me
very wrong and lost ... and that I would get older and understand.

I was moved around several times ... each time knowing that my new realty would be worse than the last.
I wanted to be older so I could stop feeling like a piece of furniture ... one that didn't match anything else in the house, and was totally out of place everywhere else.
As a teen I was trapped in a hopeless hell of bullying ... until I developed 2 trains of thought ... 2 mantras...
"I will never be like them ... I will never hurt anyone on purpose"
and
"Hang on ... this will end ... this will be over ... you will get a chance to make a good life for yourself."
Only time .... age ... can fix this.

Yes ... I was desperate to be older ... and when I was ... everything I had hoped for came true.

I lived a very good life until I was 36 ... and never really thought that much about getting older ... other than I wasn't going to go quietly.
I nearly killed myself with solitary exercise ... way overdoing the gym, martial arts (defensive only), cycling, walking ... anything to keep myself 'looking' young, not just for vanity ... but to ensure I could continue to attract the sexual interest of other men. I kept myself very attractive ... and there were a LOT of men. That was my legacy ... the addiction my perps hooked me on.
I was 'Me' and 'Him' ... me existed to serve him ... time didn't matter.
I didn't think of age ... really ... I was just determined not to look my age.

At 50 it was obvious I was fighting a losing battle ... the fight against time.
In the gay community when you reach 40 you get a one way pass to the
Old Fags Home.
I got a 10 year extension on 'life' ... at a huge cost but it worked ...
I made myself not look old.

But ... life caught up to me ... I didn't feel old ... I didn't think old
I didn't even want to be younger ... I just wanted to still be wanted ...
'like that'.
I wasn't.

Now I don't want to be anything ... I just want to be left alone.
I have nothing of value anymore.
I'm old ...

And it's a HUGE relief.
I don't have to maintain 'old' ... it's a natural progression ...
I only have to live to get old.
I don't want to get any older.

I spend a lot of time now reliving my life ... examining it ...
dissecting it ... putting it in categories determined by my age at the time.
Time is age.

I didn't remember my abuse ... not until I was 36 ... life before and after has been much different.

What I think about now is not about the abuse ... that's a done deal ... it has been since the very start.
It's about the part it played in my life.
Hindsight is not 20/20.
I play a painful game of ...
'what if' ... 'if only' ... 'but if' ... 'why if' ... 'because if' ...

A child ... a teen ... a young man ... a mature man ... an old man ...

Time ... age ... hasn't helped.

I still don't know what the fuck happened to me.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#432764 - 04/28/13 05:15 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: concerned_husky]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL

I am probably just echoing a lot of what others have already shared but this is kind of a tricky question. When I was a kid and a teen all I wanted was to be older. The very idea of being old enough to drive, or buy cigarettes, or vote, or buy alcohol, or be independent was so alluring to me. I thought that it must be so empowering to be able to do those things. When those times finally came, it was empowering at first, at least until the novelty of them wore off.

Now, at 38, I FEAR getting any older. It's seems like such a contradiction for me to want my youth back or to be able to hold on to that youth somehow, because my youth FUCKING SUCKED!!! I wouldn't relive my childhood for a million dollars. Nor my teen years, nor my young adulthood. Those were horrifyingly terrible times. Why then do I cling so tenaciously to youth and hate the prospect of getting any older so much? It doesn't really make any sense but it's not only the way I feel, it's a big part of who I am, how I live my life and how I interact with others. Not that anything I've ever done in my life has made any sense. Peace,

Ken

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#432767 - 04/28/13 05:30 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
Short answer: No, not any longer.

Longer answer: It's complicated. I would not want to go back and revisit any of my past except perhaps as a "fly on the wall" observer. I know there are a number of MS members older and younger than me. I like being in the middle. It's comfortable.

My childhood was happy, my teens---with one notable exception were good. College was great. My 20s sucked. I mean sucked. I had no idea what to do with my life--even with a degree and a job. I really didn't grow up until I hit 27. My 30s were great. All the maturity and youth...together in one decade. Hitting my late 30s...the CSA stuff along with the Sandusky crap all came forward. Just hitting 40 has been of philosophical interest. I can't speak beyond where I am now, but it like to slow down the clock a bit. Being in a hurry for anything is overrated.

Being in the middle is comfortable. The realization that I am higher on the demographic pyramid isn't always awe-inspiring. Sometimes it is a bit scary to look back, down...and up.

Will


Edited by Suwanee (04/28/13 05:32 PM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#432771 - 04/28/13 06:14 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I think I need to do some of these awesome replies some justice and add a bit of weight to my original post and explain my view on the subject.

They say that children lve in the moment, they grow to learn to mourn and to fear or eagerly anticpate the future. I think the reason I don't remember so much from childhood aside from the obvious, was that I was never really living in the moment. I remember planning things, where I would be at what time and I became hyper attentive to the behaviour of everyone. Everyone in the house, friends, school and I remember knowing what it would mean if the door bell would go off at a certain time, what my brother was doing later that day just based on how hyper or how moody he was. I would be able to work out the movements of everything and everyone, constantly observing.

I always appeared to do this process with worry in mind though.

From about 10 onwards I would convince myself I was still young and I could still be classed as a child if someone was to do something to me. It became a strange obession, but one that lead to a paradoxal process of mourning the childhood I was living.

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#432774 - 04/28/13 06:23 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
This is weerd to me since the age I've always perceived myself to be has been dam strange, and i'm only just realizing that others perceptions aren't the same.

As a child, ---- and still more as a very intelligent child, I always came across as older than I was. After I'd lost most of my eyesite at age 7, been to boarding school and undergone emotional abuse at age 10, and lost my best friend at age 12, I was at such a different level to other teenagers age wise it wasn't surprising I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no friends my age since how the hell could I be friends with people making jokes about toilet humour when I wanted to discuss astro physics or talk about jrr tolkien. Even computer games which had always for me been a point where I could interact with kids my age previous to being a teenager lost their appeal since people just stopped being interested in them anymore.

I longed to be 18 and go to university, and indeed attended several seminars in the youth branche of the counsel for christians and jews because they said at 13 I came across more like a 18 year old.

It's no wonder isolation turned to bullying and abuse, indeed I was always told I was being arrogant, ahving all the right answers, thinking I was better than everything else and these were things I started to believe.

The irony is that physically, I looked if anything even younger. My mum found a picture of me with my first dog as a puppy and said I looked about 10, yet I was 13, I also didn't start shaving until i was 16, and my voice hadn't properly broken until I was nearly 20, (I could still sing boy soprano at 21).

In my late teens and early 20's everything seemed great. There were the legacies of my abuse, the depression, the isolation, but things seemed perfect and I even had friends, and I still remember doing my A levels (at a different schyool to that where I'd experienced the abuse), and my first year of uni with a lot of plesaure.

As time passed though, it seemed I was just hitting limbo. I began to feel older and older, to the point that at 23 I felt as though I was absolutely passed it and all the good in my life had utterly passed. This feeling got worse, especially as all of my friends got married and found perminant relationships and yet I was still in the same place I'd been when i was 18 and first realized there was something with another person (in my case a female person), that was different from friendship.

At 25 I tried a last ditch effort to make my feelings known to a girl i'd fallen in love with and that put me straight into recovery, which was like all the worst bits. I thought if I was four or five years older than someone I was like some creepy old beerded man hanging around with a bunch of teenagers, it also helped that I never really got the irrisponsability thing either.

I'm now 30, ajnd one ironic thing is lots of people think I'm three or five years younger.

It's quite weerd, over the last year I've felt younger than I have for quite some time, and have no longer felt passed things particularly with finishing my doctorate and looking at starting music school. Still, in my darker moments thirty does feel a little scary, but it all depends upon my point of view.

if I stick on a computer game and have fun playing it, or play with the many statues and models on my shelf, --- well I enjoy it! If I discuss quantom physics, science, aesthetics or ethics with someone and am taken seriously, well I enjoy that too.

One thing I've noticed about age is that however the sterriotypes go, there are good and bad points. The bad! of feeling helpless and powerless as a kid, or of feeling unwanted as an old person, but there are equal good bits, and all of those are alterable according to attitude.

A far darker side to things I have noticed is jealousy. Jealousy of the pretty kid (of either genda), who gets things because of they look, or a jealousy of the compitant old person who gets thing because of their position. That is much harder to deal with, since whichever scale I'm on I always come up short.

One ironic thing, is that I don't really want to be middle aged, but I'd really like to be actually old, indeed since men in my family get silver hair, I want to do the full blown wizard thing, staff, long grey beerd, ---- heck I've already got the glasses! laugh

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#432786 - 04/28/13 09:27 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Hey Poorsoft,

Good thread. I am 56 and my regret about growing old is just that I wasted so many years (about 1/3 of my life) avoiding dealing with the CSA and reaping the resulting alcoholism, sexual acting out, and broken relationships.

Things are getting better, and I can only move forward for however many years I have left. I don't feel "old", and am usually surprised when I catch my reflection in a mirror or window (who is that guy?). Recently a 60 year old woman was flirting with me, and I thought to myself "hold on, she's 60 and I'm only.....uhh oh yeah I'm not 22 anymore."

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#432797 - 04/28/13 11:11 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I do remember some good things, but not really, from the childhood. It is so distant and so unchanging. I prefer not to think about it. I do remember dreaming of being older and out on my own. Away from the emotional and physical and sexual abuses. I do remember that.

But then life took over. As Shyshark so beautifully put it, getting older isn't an option. And it isn't. Unless, of course, you fail to breathe. 1 - 17...OMG- WTF!!!, 20s...pretty cool, marriage babies, 30s... pretty cool still, 40s....holy shit- was really hard, 50s....pretty cool, then wham! 5 yrs left to find me again .......60s-100s... I want to dream again... and I will.
heck-o'-pete, yes, I want to get older. I deserve it. But I want to be at peace within the heart. Yes I do.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432815 - 04/29/13 04:11 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
It's 02:09 here.
I have sat maybe 6 or 7 times on this chair ... staring at this damn 'box' where I should be able to say what should be said ...
and can't find the words to explain how I feel.
I have been consumed with your questions Poorsoft ... all day ... to the point that I am now in tears ...
and I don't really know why.
There isn't enough room here to hold what I want to say ... if I could say it.
It's easy enough to speak ... I am rarely at a loss for words ...
But that's just talk.
I'm a 59 year old man unable to voice ... much less grasp ... what happened
56 years ago ... 55 years ago ... 54 years ago ... 53 years ago ... 52 years ago ... 49 years ago ...
and even more to the point ...
HOW IT SHAPED MY LIFE
I will not sleep tonight unless I drug myself into a coma ... and I will ... now.
I can't bear the frustration ...
I put that away damn it !!!!!
It should still be stuffed at the very back of my emotional closet ... with the door locked ...
in the dark where it should be ... where I put it ... where I hide from it ...
but there's no escape.
Yes Poorsoft ... I was ... I am 'different' ... and neither time nor age has saved me.
I wish my childhood away.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#433015 - 04/30/13 10:16 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
poorsoft, everyone,

yep. hit the nail on the head here with me. today, i turn 32. 26 years ago, my life changed, forever. 26 years later, i am finally letting the gravity and the reality of my experience set in. it sucks, but it's true, so there's joy in hoping that once i assimilate the truth, i can continue with my life.

but yes, i do remember vividly wanting to grow up, quickly. wanting to be married, having babies... KNOWING i could be a BETTER FATHER than my asshole father. knowing i could do a better job of parenting. when i was 6, i grew up in an instant and i wanted to be an adult.

now that i am an adult, i feel like an emotional 6 year old. i feel as though i want to go back. but as another poster said, i wouldn't relive my childhood for a million bucks. in fact, I'D GIVE IT ALL UP! (i've got a pretty good life, externally. no debt, savings, a good job, great wife). I'd give all of it up to be a child who was not abused. i'd give it all up to have had loving, attentive parents who valued me more than what they did.

poorsoft, i think i get what you're asking and yes, i couldn't wait to be an adult. not because that's what kids do, but that's because what sexually abused, coping children do.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#433036 - 04/30/13 12:44 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 11:14 PM)

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#433095 - 04/30/13 09:29 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 124
Loc: Michigan
I spent my entire teenage years clawing at leaving the house and never EVER under any circumstances, returning. I hated him and everything remotely related to him. My 18th birthday was the best, because I was free. Shortly after, I got my own apartment. That first year and a half was a pure celebration.

Then the honeymoon wore off.

Now that I was out of the abusive house, now I have to cope. This has been and continues to be the single largest struggle in my life.

Getting older then was all I ever wanted. Now, as I grow older, I feel more and more hopeless that I'll never cope in any meaningful way with the CSA. Perhaps I'm being a fatalist (a common feeling among us). But the older I get, the greater my fear, the darker the cloud, the longer the struggle.

I did everything right up to this point! It's not fair that I (or anyone else here) should carry this cross. I fear one day I'll spiral into an infinitely dark place and never escape.

It makes me ill thinking that I'll still be feeling like this 10 or 20 years from now.

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#434830 - 05/16/13 07:00 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
I really didn't, despite many people thinking I would love to been older. I didn't want to get old, because I was in a constant state of mourning of my childhood, even as I lived it.

Anyone felt the same? Different?


Felt exactly the same. I had constant panic attacks and nervous breakdowns about it, even before puberty. It kept me up for hours in a state of anxiety over the future. I was so afraid of growing up. I don't think that fear has ever left me, and I believe you may be spot on: it was a constant state of mourning over our childhoods, even while we were still bloody children!

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#434868 - 05/16/13 05:21 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
I do look forward to getting older - it beats the alternative.

The sexual abuse stole my youth. My teen years were lived in fear and loathing. My twenties were a time of healing, but back into fear, loathing and sexual acting out throughout my 30's and 40's. Now that I am in sexaholics anonymous, I feel like the healing process of my 20's is back in full swing except this time with the loving support of my brothers in program.

yep! I am grateful for each day of sobriety. If I close my eyes at the final curtain sober, I will be happy.

Mac

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#434904 - 05/16/13 11:45 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
It's sad to read this comments, but equally it fills me with joy that no; I'm not insane. OTHER people did what I did and you've all demonstrated it well. THANK YOU for your heart felt replies.

I'll be turning 26 soon enough and when a birthday comes I usualy do petty little games, of course; only I play these games like "Oh today is the last day I'm this age".

I don't look back at the year that I've just completed, but I do look back at my whole life and think - Fuck; you're not young anymore. It's done, get over, move on.

Urgh :P

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#434908 - 05/17/13 12:16 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3028
Loc: O Kanada
i never wanted to get old, but i always wanted to grow up.
now i turn 52 this year, and i feel like i am 15. sometimes i feel only 5. my body, however, tells me the truth smile
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#434929 - 05/17/13 06:08 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: victor-victim]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
When I was young, I couldn't wait to grow up. At the age of four, I asked my mom, when would I stop being called a little boy and be called a boy? When would I be called a big boy? That attitude continued. When I was in elementary school, I couldn't wait for junior high. When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to be done so I could go to college. When I was in college, I couldn't wait to be done so I could start working in the proverbial real world. Now, looking back, I regret that sort of mentality. I didn't realize that at each stage of the game, I would have opportunities available to me only when I was in that stage of life. I wish I had enjoyed those moments when they were there, available to be experienced. I'm not pleased with myself for postponing opportunities until I was ready for them, falsely assuming I had the power to control when they would pop up. Those days are gone and exist now only in my memories. There certainly is no going back. It's only been the last few months that I've realized that I've been doing this. I really believe that I used this strategy to cope with my abuse. I would think and act older so I wouldn't have to deal with the memories of my abuse. Since the CSA was associated with specific stages of development, I could focus on what's next so I could forget about what happened in the present.

That approach to life isn't effective anymore. First, I don't want to move onto the next phase yet. It will come regardless of whether I want it to come or not and there's no reason to hurry its arrival. Second, I don't want to live in the past either. I don't want to be one of those guys - a middle aged fogey trying to think cool, act cool and be cool, which in reality would only be thinking like a fool, acting a fool, being a fool. The spoils of a particular decade of life, belong to those in that age group, period. I want to make the most of possibilities that only happen to guys in their 50s. I made it through my 40s. I don't need to relive it. I haven't hit retirement age and I don't want to act like a retired guy until it happens. I want my 50s to be better than my 40s. I know I have wisdom that comes with age and experience. I plan on using it to my advantage.

Obviously, I wish I didn't have to be here as part of MS, but what happened that brought me here, happened, and I need to deal with it. Fortunately, it isn't my whole life, no matter how significant the events and their subsequent consequences. Facing the CSA/ASA has helped me understand myself more completely than I likely would have otherwise. Obviously, there is no way of testing this theory, but believing it is best for me. Knowing myself more completely should not be the goal of self analysis. I must use this knowledge in some manner to make my life better and subsequently to make the world better. Failing to use the new found knowledge of myself and my life would signify the ultimate triumph for my perps. It would confirm that they destroyed me. It would prove that when they were finished with me, they had no further use for me and thus, they tossed me aside, not caring what would happen to me. It's time to show that they had no such power over me. I will rise above their indignities.

I'll never be who I was meant to me, and that realization has resulted in a great deal of agony. Rather than fighting it and wasting a lot of my potential, I'm working on making the most of what's been given me. I may not be looking forward to getting older, but I am looking forward to making each day matter more than ever.

Thanks, DavO

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#434930 - 05/17/13 06:38 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
So, how is it all of you continuous rememberers have this trait that you couldn't wait to grow up, but the two of us on here who have no memories of abuse have the exact opposite trait: we were in perpetual mourning for our childhood as we watched it slip away? We were afraid of growing up. Why are we the opposite of you guys? Does that indicate that we aren't real CSA survivors? That nothing happened to us?

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#434933 - 05/17/13 07:00 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I sat on the stairs, at 7 years old, with my cassette player, alone, all by myself, made sure no one else was around, singing along to a Righteous Brothers tape- singing "Unchained Melody" to.... my own father. To me it was a love song about how much I loved him. I'd sing it and cry. I had romantic feelings for my own father who...... may have never molested me at all. I fell in love with a bunch of different girls, chased them around on the playground in kindergarten and..... I was also in love with my own father. Yet I didn't want out of this fucked up dynamic. I had a Peter Pan Complex and never wanted to grow up. What kind of a fucking freakshow wannabe incest survivor am I?

He would pick me up after school in 1st grade. I don't remember him ever picking up my older brother with me (he was in 2nd grade). And he'd play that same Righteous Brothers tape in the car. He'd stop at the convenience store every day after I got out of school, and let me get a Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze pie (a green one of those hostess fruit pies, except it was filled with cream). Where was my brother? Why was I picked up alone? Then there's a huge gap in my memory and suddenly I'm coming home with him from 2nd grade (a different school- which I can't remember- only just started to remember what the school looked like) bumping into my friend, Marty, from 1st grade, surprised to see him, cuz I hadn't seen him in a long time. Why is there a gap there? And my brother isn't with me. Why would he pick up only me, and not my older brother? It makes no sense.

It's not like he deprived me of love, either. I remember he took me on a 3 hour trip up from Central Oregon, to Portland, when I was 8. He took me, alone, with him, called me his little buddy (he did this a lot) and we went and saw the movie "Rock-A-Doodle" at the Lloyd Center mall in Portland. He wasn't neglectful of me at all. I wasn't deprived of love. Yet I was in love with him. And later on, when I was at my grandma's house in Phoenix, she rented Rock-A-Doodle, and I was overcome with feelings of sexual compulsion. I acted out on these by sneaking off into a bedroom and putting on diapers she'd kept from when we were little. That's the first time (to my RECOLLECTION) I remember getting an erection. From a GODDAMNED DIAPER!!

What the hell is really wrong with me?!?! No, I didn't look forward to getting older. I wanted to get younger. And then at the age of 10, I developed some kind of twisted desire to be anally raped. I WANTED it. I could feel it inside me. I KNEW what it felt like somehow. It turned me on. That scared me. It scared me so much, and I felt so guilty about it, that I wouldn't let my father be behind me. I JUST KNEW, deep down, all the men around me, my dad, men at church, deep down that they were turned on thinking about raping me, and I had to do everything in my power to keep from putting that thought in their head. I knew if I let them stand behind me, or get alone with me, that I would tempt them to do it.

Really, what kind of twisted, fucked up freak was I?! I felt like a girl. I knew they could see it in my eyes that I felt like a girl, and that I was suppressing arousing thoughts of receiving anal sex from them. WTF?! In my mind, I knew the pleasure from anal sex- both for me, the receiver, and them, the giver- was so completely overwhelming that it was just a no-brainer that these men would do it to me at the drop of a hat, given the right circumstances. And it was up to me to be a good little Christian boy (I officially converted at that age) to prevent those circumstances from happening. To prevent them from even having the thought cross their mind of how good it would feel to have anal sex with me. I'm being brutally honest here and this hurts to admit. What in the fucking hell was the matter with me?! It's much scarier to think I WASN'T incested, and was thinking shit like that. THEN what does that make me? Again, some kind of bizarre wannabe incest victim. Huh? Who had borderline nervous breakdowns at night from the fear of growing up. The fear of my dad dying (much of my OCD rituals were done to prevent this).

My mom found me in bed one day, around the age of 13, crying, unable to move or explain to her why I was so goddamned depressed and.... well just depressed, I guess. I was having a nervous breakdown. To this day I still have no idea what the hell I was crying about and why I couldn't stop. You'd have a nervous breakdown, too, if you carried around all the secrets I did of horrible sexual compulsions and uncontrollable OCD to prevent everyone from dying, but never being able to explain to them they owed you their life. Like a secret agent or something. Defusing invisible bombs everywhere to keep them from dying.



Edited by Life's A Dream (05/17/13 05:19 PM)

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#434934 - 05/17/13 08:03 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Goddamn I really, really hate myself for writing all of that out. I don't know why the fuck I'm even on this site.

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#434935 - 05/17/13 08:30 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Similiar memories here LAD, I think you know what you were crying about.

It was well written and you explained yourself very well.

Go easy on yourself man.

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#434981 - 05/17/13 04:17 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3028
Loc: O Kanada
in a way, i did "grow up" when my father disappeared for ten years. a frozen moment. this arrested development caused me to never "grow up". sex and violence made me more than a child.

i already knew what was necessary,
more than enough,
more than i should, in fact.
more than most adults, i figured.
i stopped listening. i stopped learning.

"where the f*&k were you when i really needed help?!" was my answer to any advice.

i am living proof that unsupervised children become feral wild childs. amoral opportunistic chaos adrenaline risk addictive sadistic sneaky angry barbarian. left on my own, i mostly made wrong choices, often willfully, even maliciously. i needed support, guidance, boundaries, discipline, love. i had none of the above.
i felt entitled. i felt rejected.

the bitter taste of being cheated left me in a constant state of plotting revenge on mankind like some cartoon evil character. sad waste of mental resources, but necessary, none the less, in order for me to get beyond who i was, to become who i am.
the mother of all "me"s.

and i do love who i think i am these days.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#434989 - 05/17/13 04:51 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: victor-victim]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
in a way, i did "grow up" when my father disappeared for ten years. a frozen moment. this arrested development caused me to never "grow up". sex and violence made me more than a child.

i already knew what was necessary,
more than enough,
more than i should, in fact.
more than most adults, i figured.
i stopped listening. i stopped learning.

"where the f*&k were you when i really needed help?!" was my answer to any advice.

i am living proof that unsupervised children become feral wild childs. amoral opportunistic chaos adrenaline risk addictive sadistic sneaky angry barbarian. left on my own, i mostly made wrong choices, often willfully, even maliciously. i needed support, guidance, boundaries, discipline, love. i had none of the above.
i felt entitled. i felt rejected.

the bitter taste of being cheated left me in a constant state of plotting revenge on mankind like some cartoon evil character. sad waste of mental resources, but necessary, none the less, in order for me to get beyond who i was, to become who i am.
the mother of all "me"s.

and i do love who i think i am these days.


I like who you are these days

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