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#432697 - 04/28/13 03:21 AM missing memory
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3298
Loc: back in the USA
for some reason it just started bothering me that i can't remember what caused me to register here at MS. i do not remember doing it at all. i know that under my avatar it tells the date but i have no memory of what was going on then that may have been the reason that i sought this site in the first place. i can remember other things going on at the same time period - just nothing that might have been triggering. i already knew at that time that there had been some abuse in my childhood but had not yet remembered or accepted the full extent or details of it.

i know that when i first came back after a gap of 5 1/2 + years i was actually surprised to discover that i was already registered.

i have welcomed other new members with the warning not to overdo it at first and that i got triggered when i first came here and left and didn't return for years. but that is all supposition. i think that it what happened. it makes sense - in sort of a generic knowledge sort of way - but it doesn't really feel like an actual personal memory that is connected to me. so i can no longer say it for sure. i don't really know.

i do know the time when i first posted an intro and then my story - Nov 9 2011 - and i remember that vividly - as well as the circumstances at the time.

today i went back through the old pages to the date i registered and read some posts to see if anything rang a bell. nothing looked familiar. it is so weird. i know it is not nearly as worrying a situation as some of the guys who can't remember CSA events or large chunks of their childhoods. i have had some of that too - but this is the first time i've been aware of a period of my adult life was inaccessible.

anyone else have this sort of thing happen?
lee


Edited by traveler (04/28/13 03:24 AM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#432720 - 04/28/13 09:19 AM Re: missing memory [Re: traveler]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
Yes. I never know whether or not I'm supposed to know a person. So many times I've introduced myself only to be embarrassed when I learn we've already met and talked. So now I try to stay real ambiguous about it when I meet someone for the "first" time.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#432722 - 04/28/13 09:24 AM Re: missing memory [Re: traveler]
Murph Offline


Registered: 04/01/13
Posts: 7
Hey Lee:
My short term memory is a big problem for me. Here is a silly example; Several times I rent a movie, and when I see the first minute, I remember that I watched it a week ago.

My long term memory is like a fog. Yesterday, I grieved and mourned over my CSA, and swore and yelled at the image of the priest(s). Later in the day, a part of me was confident I was never abused, and one of the priests was my mentor, and I really liked him, and I am having false memories.

Several times I value this board and the posts and contibutors. Other times I shake my head and want to delete my account,

It is F'd yp.

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#432725 - 04/28/13 09:50 AM Re: missing memory [Re: traveler]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Lee,

Your first post was November 9, 2011, and Jerry Sandusky was arrested on November 5, 2011. Might that have been the triggering moment that brought you here?

I had registered here in 2005, but it was Sandusky that brought me back.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#432733 - 04/28/13 10:34 AM Re: missing memory [Re: traveler]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Lee,

If you were in crisis when you came here then all bets are off. When my brief picture memories started to turn into sensory flashbacks, I'd "disappear" and then come back to myself someplace else. I don't remember what I said to the people on the emergency line I found on my insurance card, whom I'd dialed when I woke up in a room at work that I don't remember entering.

The mind can only take so much. To her dying day Jackie Kennedy swore she did not remember crawling onto the back of that car.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#432792 - 04/28/13 10:25 PM Re: missing memory [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3298
Loc: back in the USA
Jacob, Murph, Cant & Matt -

glad i'm not the only one - though i'm sorry you all "get it" too.

Cant - it was my first date - registration - that I can't remember - back in 2006. it was close to my birthday - which has always been a difficult time - but I don't think that was all that was going on.

the Sandusky thing came out without me being aware of it until some time later - overseas it wasn't as big a deal until it got more and more blatantly obvious that it was HUGE and serious. and I was lost in my own fog at the time, anyway. it was coincidental that it was close to my first posts. though it soon became a big source of triggers for me too as the coverage spread to our part of the world.

when I came back it was because my wife discovered my acting out and insisted I get professional help - and I was scared and paranoid and all the rest - and needed to know that I wasn't the only one.

maybe it doesn't matter - but usually when something bothers me like this - it means that something is still hidden and needs to come out.

thanks for the replies, guys!
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top


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