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#432702 - 04/28/13 07:02 AM Share User: BP
BP Offline


Registered: 04/27/13
Posts: 1
This is a good story. Thank you for sharing. From Good relationship with your abuser??
When I was 11, my brother "showed me" some things like he MB to show me the silly string. He told me to show him myself and did things and told me to do things which I was not comfortable with. Somehow he talked me into it. I had no idea how he knew how to do things or even why someone would want to. I was so naive and he kept talking about our secrets. I never felt like I had a close family and he being 16 I thought he should be the cool older brother I wanted. Then he said we had to keep it from our parents and gave me little gifts to keep it quiet and to let him do more things to me. I didnt undertand this but I was so upset with myself for accepting those little gifts (especially later in life when I looked back - how stupid could I be?). Then showing me and getting me to do things so he wouldnt tell Mom and Dad was getting more frequent. I remember one time him knocking at my door and scratching at the door. I was afraid someone would hear us and in a way I hoped they would. This needed to stop. He was telling me I needed to let him do ____ to me. I felt I could trick him and said I would put it under the door but not come out so I put my finger under the door pretending it was my penis. I just couldn't do it anymore. As bizarre as it was, he seemed to either like that or I fooled him. I never knew.

Apparently my hope that someone would find out and stop it did, as my Mother heard the encounter. My father sat us down and my brother assured him we were experimenting and it would stop and that was the end of it. I was so hurt that my parents didnt understand that he did something sinister to me and didn't help me. My brother tried again even after this and I told him I would tell our parents and he spoke about him blaming me if I did. I was strong (and smart enough to know they wouldnt believe that). In our family you dont talk about things so it was never discussed again until I went to therapy when I was 30 when this all came back to me -- almost like a Lifetime movie because I put it out of my mind.

I spoke to my parents and brother when I was in therapy and had they had denial. They did not "r"emember it that way. My brother said it was mutual and my mother said she didnt know it was that bad (I, sadly, didnt believe her and still feel so hurt that she ignored it: I was 11!!!) My mother feared it would break up the family, my brother was afraid it would affect his marriage and when I told a "best friend" she spoke of how it affected her! No one wanted to help me just like no one did when I was 11 or 12.

I decided to forgive everyone (as much as you can). Getting it out and making sure people knew I knew and saying it was not OK was powerful for me. I was strong and handling it myself got me though. I learned it was important for me to realize in this sense (but not everything) I really only have me! Of course it still bothers me and I dont trust. I have some sexual hang ups because of this but understand how this affected that ... I have information and confinctions and that helps me.

I see my brother regularly and always have at holidays and events. We never speak of it. My parents have both now passed away. am closer to my sister-in-law (his wife) than him and I can see he is in denial about so many things in his life and not just this. I don't really blame him on the one side because it was not intentional but he should be a smart enough guy to have figured out when I confronted him and he worried about himself and never apologized or took ownership that an 11 year old would get messed up by this stuff. I still feel let down by many over this but have very strong faith in me. I prevailed.

In short, you can have a relationship with your brother. Even if it is awkward sometimes, and it will be, family is family I suppose. He wont see it the way you do and I guess that is his mechanism.


Edited by ModTeam (04/28/13 01:04 PM)

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#432727 - 04/28/13 09:59 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: BP]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1090
Loc: The ATL

Hi BP. Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted By: BP

I spoke to my parents and brother when I was in therapy and had they had denial. They did not "r"emember it that way. My brother said it was mutual and my mother said she didnt know it was that bad (I, sadly, didnt believe her and still feel so hurt that she ignored it: I was 11!!!)


It's amazing how powerful a force denial can be. Your brother may believe that what happened between the two of you was "mutual" but he is lying to himself and I'll bet, deep down, he knows it. In the deepest recesses of his mind, I'm sure he knows he abused you. He can't accept that and live with himself though, so, he tells himself it was "mutual" and keeps repeating that lie to himself over and over and over again until he, himself, believes it. Your mom's denial sounds like more of the same. She had to lie to herself to convince herself what happened wasn't "that bad". Otherwise, she would have been forced to admit that she failed to protect you and, as such, failed to do her job as a mother. Denial was the easy way out.

Anyway, your story is a powerful one and I'm glad you choose to share it today. I hope you decide to keep posting. Peace,

Ken

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#432916 - 04/29/13 08:10 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: BP]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
BP

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am that your brother abused you as well. Sadly it seems we have more than a bit in common. Thanks for adding your comments to my thread about my brother. It does REALLY help to know I am not alone in this.

I think my middle brother is the same as yours - using denial as a coping mechanism. I haven't said anything to my parents about what happened with this brother. It was bad enough when they didn't even talk to our oldest brother when I told them about him. I still have issues with that. This brother told me that my parents did ask him if our older brother did anything to him and he denied it then too. SO - Yes the denial / secrets was setup in him long ago. Maybe if he had said something back then my parents might have believed me/done something. How knows?

At least my oldest brother has never denied what he did to me (to me anyway).

I agree with Ken that in both these cases they know deep down that they abused us and can't deal with it. If they say it was mutual or 'not that bad' long enough then they can believe it.

I am closer to my sister-in-law too. But I will still have a relationship with him and it will be awkward sometimes. Like you I just need to accept that we will see things differently. I think from here on it will go back to being something we do not speak of. I can forgive him for what he did but that does not mean I trust him to have my best interests at heart.

Thanks again for sharing and I hope you stick around too.

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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