Hi Allalone. Unfortunately, you are not allalone, it's a big club, just not the kind of one we want to be in.
You are playing a game with him right now. One you will regret having played later when you start to feel stronger and more sure of your boundaries.
Surviving Infidelity is a support website and the members there often talk of something called a 180. Reading your posts made me think of it. I recommend that you read a little about it.
While cheating or acting out or numbing are part of life with some survivors, extending your torture is not.
Here's the link. Take a look and take care of you.http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11