I don't know that i have anything to say that will be of use to you but I will try. my first abuser was a female, a babysitter at about 5. the things she did were violent and I don't know,to this day it confuses the hell out of me. because to me every contact after that became very frightening and identified by the first. That first time she had me naked over her lap touching but she was also violent. when she had finished, because I got aroused, she called me a perv! I didn't even know what that was then but i knew it was bad and very much came to think of getting hard as a bad thing, which was just re enforced in later times.
Reason I say this is, I never had any way to check my thought process, it just was. You mention you felt amoral so young. perhaps that is because the messages that were sent to you, and received, were that this is OK. There is no problem here. as a kid we have very little to help us discover truth. Even if it doesn't feel right we are easily swayed because so many things are like that in a child's experience going to school for the first time,fears about high places,there are any number of things and we realize soon that these are normal things. so your experience and mine we believed a lie. and we were left to try to sort it all out later... I guess we are still trying.
Try not to be too hard on yourself man you are the victim here, and your cousin. It was abuse from the beginning. just as an extension of your uncle. BTW I believe all my first abusers including one my age had been abused themselves just because of the way they acted toward me and how it seemed so familiar and normal for them. That doesn't mean I was not abused only that abuse becomes VERY complex. hope that helped some
Edited by newground (05/25/13 10:04 AM)
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"