Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
2 registered (kcinohio, tbkkfile), 24 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63802 Topics
445526 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#432615 - 04/27/13 04:39 AM was it abuse?
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
when i was about 15 years old, my friend's mother got me alone, gave me alcohol and pills, and started a sexual affair with me that lasted for a couple months.
i saw it coming, and i let it happen.
in fact, i welcomed it, but did not encourage it.
i allowed her take control of the situation.

she was an alcoholic and an addict, who would secretly supply me with drugs and sex whenever the opportunity presented itself.

i was never attracted to her. truthfully, i did not really enjoy the act, although i was able to function. what kept me coming back to her was the constant flattery. she fed my starving ego.

i had already been sexually active since i was about six years old, so i saw nothing wrong with having sex with my friend's 36 year old mother. in fact, i thought society was wrong, with all the puritanical rules and double standards.
i was already 100% amoral by this time.

to avoid trouble with my friend, i never told anyone about this. i was worried he would be mad about me sleeping with his mom. i did not want to be embarassed, ridiculed, rejected, attacked, or in any way chastised by my peers.

this affair went on until my own mother started getting suspicious and began to ask me questions about why this woman was calling me at odd hours and so often.

then we almost got caught in the act by her violent husband. fortunately, because of my young age, he had trouble believing what was right in front of his eyes, and instead chose to believe her lies.

i never allowed myself to be alone with her again, although she propositioned me several times.

for years, i cherished these private memories with pride.
but i never spoke of them, because i was ashamed.
this is a paradox and a contradiction.
how can both be true?

now, rationally, i consider what she did to me as sexual exploitation of a vulnerable minor. especially supplying the booze and dope, which is outright illegal in this country.

perhaps she did not know any better, considering her constant state of intoxication and inebriation.
she later died of a heroin overdose.
if this had been some isolated incident, i might be aware of any emotional problems it caused me, but i am not.

however, in context, my life was so terrible at that time, it still feels like a fond memory. but i know it was WRONG.

all i have to do is imagine her as an adult man (a father of a friend) and me as a messed up 15 year old girl.
suddenly it does not seem so cool.
why is that? why is gender relevant to me in this case?

up until i discovered this particular forum (Survivors of Female Abuse), i had not really given this much thought or consideration.

any feedback?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#432651 - 04/27/13 04:53 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Yes - it most certainly is abuse

I can only guess that the reason it feels worse to you if the gender roles where reversed is because of "historical society" saying that young guys are "lucky" to have sex with an older female at such a young age

times are changing though - society is starting to wake up to the damage that is being done
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#432652 - 04/27/13 05:03 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: victor-victim

all i have to do is imagine her as an adult man (a father of a friend) and me as a messed up 15 year old girl.
suddenly it does not seem so cool.


No, it wouldn't have been cool. It would have been totally fucked up and the things she did to/with you were definitely abuse in my eyes. Sure, you may have "consented", but a 36 year old person, regardless of their gender, should never put a 15 year old kid the position of having to consent or not, regardless of their gender. Also, what kind of a 36 year old adult gives a 15 year old drugs and alcohol? That's fucked! I wouldn't have a problem with an adult being cool and allowing a kid that age to have A beer, one maybe, but that's different. Her sick and selfish behavior endangered you and came at the expense of your heath and well being.

Remember that most young teens who wind up in these adult-teen relationships, don't normally see the relationship as abusive while it's going on. They often feel like the relationship makes them grown up and ahead of their friends. Adults who prey on kids that age know this, and take advantage of it. Sure, those relationships may not be abuse in the same way that they would be if the kid involved was 10, but they're still abuse and there really is no way around that. Take care. Peace,

Ken

Top
#432671 - 04/27/13 10:03 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i knew it wasn't ok, but i don't seem to register any damage.
as i said, i had already been victimized prior to this, molested and raped, so what happened with my friend's mother did not feel bad compared to previous sexual experiences.

those things TJjeff and BraveFalcon say about me
"young guys are "lucky" to have sex with an older female at such a young age" and "young teens who wind up in these adult-teen relationships, don't normally see the relationship as abusive while it's going on. They often feel like the relationship makes them grown up and ahead of their friends." pretty much sums up my attitude the way i remember it. that was 35 years ago.

i know that if some adult woman was sexually propositioning my teenage son (he is 13), with or without alcohol or drugs, i would NOT allow it to happen. i would consider it a criminal act and put a stop to it immediately.

i am now confused about my own double standard.
how can two mutually exclusive and opposite points of view exist simultaneously in the same mind?

i wish i had never lifted the lid on this.
because it has created a conflict in me.
or maybe it has only revealed what was already there.

this must be the damage then.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#432769 - 04/28/13 05:50 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2018
Loc: durham, north england
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
i knew it wasn't ok, but i don't seem to register any damage.
as i said, i had already been victimized prior to this, molested and raped, so what happened with my friend's mother did not feel bad compared to previous sexual experiences.
i wish i had never lifted the lid on this.

Again, considder that in the light of a female victim of sa who had violent experiences then was coerced by a 36 yo man at fifteen. Same rule applies.

The double standard isn't just yours, it is society's as well. equally however one thing I do wonder is if it's not just your male genrder here.

Myself, my own abuse (by teenaged girls), I considdered as okay not just because the people involved were girls my own age, but also because it was "me", and something I deserved.

My experiences were not coerced at all and were uncompromising bad due to humiliation, insults and violence, but one thing I do realize is that they have left me with a less than reliable evaluation of myself and anything I do.

The fact that you agree that were this your son, you'd think of it as abuse, yet do not have the same judgement for yourself strikes me as important and I do wonder if that's something you could considder.

I might be utterly wrong here, but it was something that occurred to me while reading this topic.

while society's double standard and intrinsic sexism towards men isn't something that it's particularly easy to change individually, there are things you can do to change your thinking regarding yourself, or at least to come to a better understanding about it.

Hope you find something that works.

Luke.
because it has created a conflict in me.
or maybe it has only revealed what was already there.

this must be the damage then.




Edited by dark empathy (04/28/13 05:53 PM)

Top
#432850 - 04/29/13 11:42 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Victor

I was in no way trying to say that you where "lucky" in any way to have those things happen to you - I was only trying to say that years ago when we where younger "society" did not understand the hurt that was being done...
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#432932 - 04/29/13 09:31 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: TJ jeff]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: TJ jeff
Victor

I was in no way trying to say that you where "lucky" in any way to have those things happen to you - I was only trying to say that years ago when we where younger "society" did not understand the hurt that was being done...


did not mean to imply that you called me lucky.
i totally understand what you are saying, and i agree with you.
the double standard of "society" is what clouds this issue.
this memory is no longer a happy one.
now, when i reflect on it, which i am trying not to do anymore, i feel disgusted and ashamed.
yuck! gross!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#432964 - 04/29/13 11:40 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: victor-victim

now, when i reflect on it, which i am trying not to do anymore, i feel disgusted and ashamed.


Shame is not something you should feel about what happened. I know it's hard not to, and this is something I wish I could take my own advise on, but try remembering that the shame is/was 100% hers to bear. She took advantage of you. She should not have done any of that. She was wrong for it, not you. Let the shame be hers, even though she's not still around to bear it. Take care. Peace,

Ken

Top
#433018 - 04/30/13 11:04 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
when i say ashamed... i mean...
i don't want friends or family to know about it.
maybe i mean embarassed blush

now that i have teens of my own at home... i can see just how immature i must have been, because it seems that no matter how hard you teach them... they still have poor judgement and make many bad decisions.

i forgive them daily.

this topic (Survivors of Female Abuse) has given me a lot on insight into my own personal experience with my friend's mother. it has triggered a whole flood of feelings. i did not realize how compartmentally retarded i was about the whole thing.
the truth is that which insists on existence regardless of what you believe.

thanks for all your words of encouragement
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#433403 - 05/03/13 01:38 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2018
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Victor, I'm glad some of this helps.

One thing I discovered myself, is that remembering and being aware of something is not half the same as actually perceiving that something. Back when I first discovered ms, I thought I was fine, since I! knew what had happened to me at secondary school. I assumed "recovery" was all about those people who didn't remember things, ---- which wasn't me, since I did! remember, so was okay right?

It took the emotional iquivolent of being hit by a two tonne articulated lorry to convince me I wasn't in late 2007, and once I started looking into this I realized just how many things were a result of that experience, fear of crowds, genophobia, total inability to start any sort of relationship whatsoever.

Just because your aware of something doesn't mean your aware of all it's ramifications, and to be honest while I'm sorry your feeling so much disgust (believe me, I have memories that make me feel sick), at least to me that is a more healthy response, ---- since heck, what happened to you was! disgusting!

Top
#433412 - 05/03/13 05:14 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i wish it wasn't disgusting.
i would love to crawl back into my old paradigm, but i cannot do that on purpose.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#433466 - 05/04/13 04:55 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2018
Loc: durham, north england
Well one thing to bare in mind is that it was the event! that was disgusting, not you.

For me that's been one of the major battles, and no, it isn't easy, but it is possible with enough persistance.

"paradigm" is actually a good word, indeed if I remember rightly what I read of Thomas Kuhn and his theory of paradigm shift in science, he literally talked about people's hole landscape moving and people walking through completely new worlds afterwards, ---- so one set of scientists would literally "see!" the sun setting behind the flat earth, while the others would literally "see!" the earth turning away from the sun.

One thing to remember though, (and one thing Kuhn himself actually got wrong), is that there is an active element of will in perception as well. It is just as possible to consciously and forceably change the way something appears as it is to be unconsciously and irrationally affected by it, that's why I personally tend to think of recovery as a voluntary process and one that requires active persistance and participation, not just being at the whim of my own unconscious.

It does! get better, albeit I know there are points when it doesn't seem so, (heck, I still run into those points myself).

Top
#434380 - 05/11/13 05:29 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
* TRIGGER WARNING *

this issue is becoming a bottomless pit for me.

careful reflection on this topic has led me to my earliest memories of sexual activity. preschool age, i was seduced by my female cousin. she had been abused by our uncle (she later disclosed but that is another story). we called it "playing house", and it was something we did at every available secret opportunity.

this was my first sexual contact with a female, and it has haunted me ever since. i had no idea what she was doing, but it was so intensely pleasurable, i cannot think about it without becoming aroused. so i avoid thinking about it.

she was definitely in control. she initiated. she set the rules and defined the roles. i was the "daddy" and she was the "mommy".

i can't remember why or when it stopped, but i know we did it numerous times. it was not actual sx, but we tried, in our ignorance to perform as "mommy and daddy".

i used to think that her and i shared something special.
my memories of this time in my life were once fond, but now it hurts to write this. once, i tried to confront her about it as an adult, but she said she did not want to discuss it. she blamed my uncle. when she disclosed this incest abuse to the police and they began an investigation, my family rallied around the uncle and attacked the victim. i have vivid memories of my mother screaming "liar" and "wh*re!" at her. i lost whatever trace of respect i had for my mother at that moment. there was not much respect there, but it disappeared. i knew i had to get away from her for my own survival. i have been trying unsuccessfully to live without my mother since i was 12 years old (1973).

i was the only person in the entire family who stood by my cousin, because i knew she was telling the truth. i told her that i believed her and would stand by her, but she has long since left town and cannot be reached.

the rest of the family that did not actively attack her, did not want to get involved.
they refuse to "take sides" or even discuss the situation, and to this day they act like it never happened.
if i bring it up, they tell me they do not wish to dwell on negative subjects and prefer to mindlessly discuss mundane meaningless matters.

i have not seen my cousin in almost 20 years.
the uncle has been in the hospital for about five years, with my sisters and his sisters looking after his emotional needs.

he has a substantial net worth, and they are all making sure that they get their share. he has never married, never even had a girlfriend, has no children, and plans on leaving his money to only those family members that have stood by him.

needless to say, my female cousin is not in the will, nor am i.

and so it goes.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435085 - 05/18/13 10:09 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
* TRIGGER WARNING *

this issue is becoming a bottomless pit for me.

careful reflection on this topic has led me to my earliest memories of sexual activity. preschool age, i was seduced by my female cousin. she had been abused by our uncle (she later disclosed but that is another story). we called it "playing house", and it was something we did at every available secret opportunity.

this was my first sexual contact with a female, and it has haunted me ever since. i had no idea what she was doing, but it was so intensely pleasurable, i cannot think about it without becoming aroused. so i avoid thinking about it.

she was definitely in control. she initiated. she set the rules and defined the roles. i was the "daddy" and she was the "mommy".

i can't remember why or when it stopped, but i know we did it numerous times. it was not actual sx, but we tried, in our ignorance to perform as "mommy and daddy".

i used to think that her and i shared something special.
my memories of this time in my life were once fond, but now it hurts to write this. once, i tried to confront her about it as an adult, but she said she did not want to discuss it. she blamed my uncle. when she disclosed this incest abuse to the police and they began an investigation, my family rallied around the uncle and attacked the victim. i have vivid memories of my mother screaming "liar" and "wh*re!" at her. i lost whatever trace of respect i had for my mother at that moment. there was not much respect there, but it disappeared. i knew i had to get away from her for my own survival. i have been trying unsuccessfully to live without my mother since i was 12 years old (1973).

i was the only person in the entire family who stood by my cousin, because i knew she was telling the truth. i told her that i believed her and would stand by her, but she has long since left town and cannot be reached.

the rest of the family that did not actively attack her, did not want to get involved.
they refuse to "take sides" or even discuss the situation, and to this day they act like it never happened.
if i bring it up, they tell me they do not wish to dwell on negative subjects and prefer to mindlessly discuss mundane meaningless matters.

i have not seen my cousin in almost 20 years.
the uncle has been in the hospital for about five years, with my sisters and his sisters looking after his emotional needs.

he has a substantial net worth, and they are all making sure that they get their share. he has never married, never even had a girlfriend, has no children, and plans on leaving his money to only those family members that have stood by him.

needless to say, my female cousin is not in the will, nor am i.

and so it goes.


was this abuse?
was i abused?
certainly not by my cousin who was also a child and the same age as me.

this would seem to be some sort of extended form of sexual abuse,
collateral damage brought upon me by my uncle via one of his child victims (there were more than one).
i can hardly blame her, and in fact i do not hold any grudge against her. none whatsoever.


does anyone here have any comments that might help me?
feel the need for feedback.
accepting PM's on this topic. very confused by these memories.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435679 - 05/24/13 06:22 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
help?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435680 - 05/24/13 07:03 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Victor-victim.

You ask a series of complicated questions. First, in most states the age of consent is 16. Anyone under the age of 16 and having sex with someone who is 5 years older than they are is being raped. The fact that you were 15 meant you could not give consent and the adult knew that. The issue of drugs and alcohol are other violations and betrayals of your life, but not sex abuse.

One out of very three children who are abused will abuse other children. Is the child who initiates sex with a child when they are both under the age of consent is a very unclear problem. Virtually no where when there is less than 2 years difference in age is this considered abuse, but rather sexual experimentation.

I know men who have faced the same issue you are struggling with. In one case he was 12 and the girls were 16 or so (high school) and he was sure he had been lucky. But, at the age of 50 he looked at it for the first time in the context of abuse. He acknowledged that they had had him perform to meet their desires. That he really didn't know what they were doing. That he did not even know there was oral sex until it was performed on him, and then whem he was pressured to return the oral performance.

I was 16 when I had my first non-abusive sexual encounter. She was 21. She felt that she was committing statutory rape. In fact, I was of the age of consent and it was consensual. Because I performed oral sex on her to initiate the experience, she knew that I was experienced. I was scared to death to tell her about my sexual abuse experiences since I thought of them as homosexual at the time.

Now the fact that you were fucking a married woman obviously has not been presented in your discussion. But, you knew that "society" would have found that a disgrace.

How can you enjoy sex and still be abused? Are you kidding. You think that your body does not respond regardless of where the stimulus comes from. That it was enjoyable, that you felt you were prostituting yourself for drugs and alcohol, that to make it O K with the drugs and alcohol, the sex had to be O K is just the normal kind of rationalizing we all do. How many 15 year olds think of themselves as prostitutes when they are exploring sex with a neighbor. But, whether you verbalized it or not you knew you were being paid to perform the sex acts she desired.

I have no idea if this helps. But it is what I think and what my experience tells me.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

Top
#435690 - 05/24/13 10:17 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
thanks, genedebs, you were able to see and say things about this that i could not. thank you. i am still confused, but i feel a little bit closer to the truth of this situation. i have never discussed this part of my childhood with anyone. not even my therapist. this is more unpleasant to think about, than the serial killer rape that occured in my teens. probably why i have avoided examining it before.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435700 - 05/24/13 10:34 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Victor victim

Sometimes I feel so screwed up because of my experiences and my friends. I am glad it was helpful. There are times, like this one, when I wish I was so experienced and kinda just matter a fact about it all.

Top
#435732 - 05/25/13 04:30 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2018
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Victor.

To be honest, even though my experience was radically different I very much understand the problem.

My own experiences as a teenager were at the hands of gangs of girls (never less than four), around my own age or a year older betwene 13 and 15. This involved some pretty intensive forms of s/xual humiliation, public stripping, forced mastavation (including having my own sperm slapped in my face), and inforced mastavating of girls.

I never however could use the word abuse about this. I'd experienced physical violence, insults etc,but "s/xual abuse" was something I assumed that girls ccouldn't do to a boy. It wasn't until I was 19, and I literally screamed when my mum tried to walk in on me in the bathroom with my shirt off that she quite casually said "oh you were raped"

This was not a judgement I'd made before, or something I'd asume, since the idea of gang rape by several girls of one boy is so alien to our concepts of gender it is hugely difficult to conceive. Yet, the term did fit my state of mind, the way my body responded, and the damage that has been done (particularly with reference to my genophobia).

For me at least, this judgement was a relatively easy one to make. I was after all forced, insulted, publically humiliated, the experiences were in no way pleasurable, indeed the separation of the ways my body responded to the stimulation and my mind have been some of the hardest things to come to terms with, yet, when i started recovery one phrase during my abuse really troubled me:

"I like you!"

Not the insults, the accusations, but that one phrase, the idea tht within those irriduceably bad experiences at least one of the girls regularly involved had actually "liked" me, ---- even writing this now makes me feel slightly sick.

Yet, what I determined is that their feelings did not matter. I! was the one who was hurt, I! was the one who was humiliated and I! am the one who has been left a mess because of it, and it's me who must pick up the peaces.

Perhaps this is the state your at yourself, stil concerned over the feelings of this woman, despite what she did, as your concerned over the feelings of your cousin, but perhaps it's not their feelings you need to concern yourself with.


Luke.

Top
#435733 - 05/25/13 04:57 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
I! think you are right, dark empathy.
I! will turn these thoughts around.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435747 - 05/25/13 09:59 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey victor
I don't know that i have anything to say that will be of use to you but I will try. my first abuser was a female, a babysitter at about 5. the things she did were violent and I don't know,to this day it confuses the hell out of me. because to me every contact after that became very frightening and identified by the first. That first time she had me naked over her lap touching but she was also violent. when she had finished, because I got aroused, she called me a perv! I didn't even know what that was then but i knew it was bad and very much came to think of getting hard as a bad thing, which was just re enforced in later times.
Reason I say this is, I never had any way to check my thought process, it just was. You mention you felt amoral so young. perhaps that is because the messages that were sent to you, and received, were that this is OK. There is no problem here. as a kid we have very little to help us discover truth. Even if it doesn't feel right we are easily swayed because so many things are like that in a child's experience going to school for the first time,fears about high places,there are any number of things and we realize soon that these are normal things. so your experience and mine we believed a lie. and we were left to try to sort it all out later... I guess we are still trying.
Try not to be too hard on yourself man you are the victim here, and your cousin. It was abuse from the beginning. just as an extension of your uncle. BTW I believe all my first abusers including one my age had been abused themselves just because of the way they acted toward me and how it seemed so familiar and normal for them. That doesn't mean I was not abused only that abuse becomes VERY complex. hope that helped some
Jeff


Edited by newground (05/25/13 10:04 AM)
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#435788 - 05/25/13 05:11 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
thanks jeff.

it feels good just to know someone is giving this some thought, helping me sort it out.

what you said makes perfect sense to me.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#436762 - 06/03/13 11:16 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
LeGrandVent Offline


Registered: 03/13/13
Posts: 4
Hey victor,

I can absolutely relate to the staggering confusion that stems from sexual abuse at such a young age. That confusion is amplified by a young female perpetrator that much more because society doesn't seem young girls as capable of such behavior. My perpetrator wouldn't have aroused any suspicions walking down the street as an 8 year old girl, that's for sure. Society has this idea that the people to fear all display signs that they're capable of such behavior, and you just have to channel surf for a minute to see it...people suspect men in hoodies in dark allies to do this. A young girl as a sexual abuser breaks society's mold of what an abuser looks like. Which is something we need to get through to people. Perpetrators can surprise you. They are nearly always someone the survivor knows. (I say survivor because victim doesn't even come close to explaining the strength and fortitude it takes to survive sexual assault/abuse/rape.)

In my opinion, despite your perpetrator being your cousin, what she did to you was indeed abuse. But almost undoubtedly the behavior was learned, and I believe her testimony about her abuse. There's way too much on the line for anyone to make up a story like that, which is something society needs to get their head around, that survivors stories are REAL.

That said, despite it being abuse, you can have compassion for what she went through. That is completely understandable, I worry that my perpetrator was serially abused, I just don't know by who. And you seem to have tried to have reached out to your cousin, and the fact that the family has rallied against her and around your uncle is a true tragedy. As tough as it is though, I think you need to focus on your healing. If the opportunity arises and you get back in touch with her and can help, definitely try, but be sure not to lose yourself in the process. Best to have two feet steady on the ground before undertaking something that big, in my opinion.

Confusion is part of the process, so don't be too hard on yourself. Believe me, I'm in the same stage, so its something I'm trying to hold myself to as well. Once you get through the confusion though you can start becoming aware of the specific emotions and sensations that come up around events in your life. And that's where the real progress begins.

I hope this helps. PM if you want too.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.