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#432450 - 04/25/13 09:27 PM My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had.
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1092
Loc: The ATL

I last visited my brother and his family over the Christmas holiday. Their new baby girl, E, now sleeps in what used to be their guest room, so I'm on the couch. As is normally the case when I'm visiting them, my morning wake-up call comes in the form of two tiny knees impacting my chest/abdomen. It's my 7 year old nephew, Ky.

I groggily open my eyes to see his little face looking down at me. His knees still embedded in my solar plexus. With his index finger, he taps on my chest like one might tap another's shoulder to get their attention.......

Ky: Uncle Ken, it's morning!
Me: Yes Ky, I know it is. Very, very early in the morning.
Ky: But Uncle Ken, you're supposed to get up now!
Me: Ky, buddy, your Uncle Ken needs just a little more sleep, ok?
Ky: But I want you to play with me!!!
Me: Ok Ky.... just... just give me a minute ok?

I say "just give me a minute" hoping it will delay him long enough that he'll get distracted by the TV or something and in doing so, buy myself maybe thirty more minutes of sleep.......... nope. As soon as I finished the sentence he jumps off the sofa and scampers over to the digital clock on the other side of the room. With his tiny finger, he points at each number from left to right as he reads out the time....

Ky: This clock says seven-twenty-two! When it says seven-twenty-three that will be one minute!!!!

(Goddamn it.)

Me: Ok, nevermind Ky. I'm getting up.

I love my brother's kids and I love being an uncle. My brother, W, is a year and a half younger than me, has been in the USAF for 17 years, and has three kids and another on the way. Two boys, Km (9 yr old), and Ky (7 yr old), one girl, E (1 yr old), and a now determined to be male baby who is due on 7/4/13.

The sad thing is, I've already missed out on so much of their lives and now I'm going to miss out on even more. My brother met his wife and started his family when he was stationed in Rapid City, SD. I live/lived in Atlanta. (I also lived in Jacksonville, FL from 2004-2009.) Because of that, I rarely got to see my nephews in the first few years of their lives. Once a year if I was lucky.

In 2008, the rest of my family and I were overjoyed to learn that W was going to be restationed in Tampa, FL. They still weren't exactly going to be close, but now we could at least see them a few times a year instead of once a year, at best. That's more or less been the case since then but even seeing them a few more times a year leaves me feeling empty and like I'm missing out on so much. In fact, I don't feel like I'm missing out on so much, I am missing out on so much.

A few months ago, W broke the news to us that he and his family are going to be restationed again, this time in Honolulu, HI, for the next four years. They are in the process of transferring out there this very week. On the one hand, I am thrilled for them. It must be so exciting to be moving to such a cool place. I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't excited at the prospect of visiting them out there. However, I'm heartbroken that I'm going to miss out on even more of the lives and childhood of my nephews and my niece. It's all going by to fast. I feel like I'm loosing them, even though I never really had them to begin with.

Because of my CSA issues, I know I will never have my own children. Sexual relationships are just not an option for me, and never will be. Much less long-term..... ummm.. romantic ,(ewwwwwww gross), relationships. CSA affected me in a way that robbed me of ever having those experiences and I accepted that long ago. Not to mention the fact that I doubt I'll ever be able to support anyone other than my self financially, which I already struggle to do. My limited intelligence and seemingly unlimited incompetence have taken care of that. And, as much as I adore kids, I know I could not be a good father. I am far to weak and screwed up of a person to ever be anything resembling a "good father". Not that I'd be mean, I just wouldn't be capable. I don't have a disciplinarian bone in my body. Also, I'm a drunk. I'm the last person who has any business being a father, and to be honest, I don't really want to be. I'm good with kids and I love them to death, but I need one of my own like I need a hole in my head.

My other two siblings probably aren't having kids of their own either. My youngest brother, M, who is eight years younger than me, is gay and hates kids. (M and I are also roommates, btw.) My sister, Ml, is nine years younger than me and seems as shut off to relationships as I am. She's almost 29 and has never even had a boyfriend. Our theory is that she's a deeply closeted lesbian who hides behind the facade of her Evangelical Christianity. (She became a born-again Christian in her late teens. Most of the rest of us aren't religious at all.) I hope like hell that her own relationship issues don't stem from CSA but if they do, I don't know about it. Either way, I don't see her having kids any time soon. Or ever.

I guess I'm feeling sad this week because I know my one shot at being a uncle is slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it. I've actually known that for a long time but for some reason, with them on the way to Hawaii, that reality is hitting me a lot harder now. By the time W's four year stay in HI is over, my oldest two nephews will nearly be teenagers and I'll be lucky to see them three times between now and then.

None of that even matters though, because the real kicker is, my sister in law is dead set against them ever locating in the Atlanta area. She says she "hates it here" but that's not the real reason. The real reason is she doesn't like my family, although she'd never admit it. She's a "good Catholic" girl, (she pussy-whipped my brother into converting), and sees us as a bunch of godless heathens. I'm pretty sure she's afraid we'd be a corrupting influence on her kids if they were around us all the time. It fucking pisses me off, but what can I do or say? Nothing.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I even posted all this because there is nothing anyone can really even say other than, "Well, that sucks". It's not like there is a solution to any of this or any advice that can be given. It just is what it is, and what it is fucking sucks. I guess I just needed to rant and get this all off my chest as much as possible. I'll go ahead and call it a post now before it gets any more unreadably long than it already is. Thanks for listening to me bitch and cry if anybody read all this. Take care all. Peace,

Ken

PS: I almost used everybody's real name but for some reason I didn't feel right posting the names of all my family members on a public board without their permission. It probably would have been ok, but I went with abbreviations anyway, just in case.

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#432452 - 04/25/13 09:41 PM Re: My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had. [Re: BraveFalcon]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Ken, so sorry to hear you're losing your family. I can't imagine how that feels. I applaud you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on the board, too. I know that part isn't easy either.

you're right. it just fucking sucks.

i hope you can find peace in their decision and your situation.

i hope you can find it to be easy on yourself. you're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. it's painful to hear you talk so badly about yourself.

my thoughts are with you. go easy on yourself brother.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#432456 - 04/25/13 10:21 PM " [Re: BraveFalcon]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 02:07 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#432460 - 04/25/13 10:31 PM Re: My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had. [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ken, man, I want you to know I read the entire post. I am sorry the kids are going to be gone for such a long time at such a long distance. And with a heart like yours, the kids are going to miss you as well. My best.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432494 - 04/26/13 06:12 AM Re: My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh Ken, I just LOVED the "wake up" story. I'm so glad you posted it. As he grows up, you'll at least have the option of email, iPhones, etc., as he absorbs Hawaii (my second home for a few years). Not to sound overly optimistic, but compared to 10-20 years ago, how unbelievably cool is that? Instant visual communication between ATL and HNL! Not the same as face-to-face, but it may be just enough. As he shares stuff about his remarkable new home, I think you may also find he educates and inspires Little Falcon.

(I missed out on my nephew growing up and becoming a private pilot who also is trying for MLB management...also incredibly cool).

Aside from the Serenity Prayer suggestion - I don't pray it, but I say it to myself...a lot - I'd add that none of us has a crystal ball. Even at my "advanced" age I'm still surprised at who/what comes into my life at the most surprising times. But I don't dwell on it or go looking for it, despite any pie-in-the-sky expectations. I just go about my business best I can and - forgive the metaphysics - let the Universe take care of itself.

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#432497 - 04/26/13 08:11 AM Re: My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had. [Re: BraveFalcon]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Ken,
thanks for sharing this intimate story about your family with all of us.
There is something wonderful, healing and empowering in spending time in play with children. I've been talking with my cousin on the phone when she said that my 5 years old nephew wants to tell me something.
She gave him phone and he said:
"I. when you'll visit us next time you'll come to sleep to our place, OK?"
I laughed and said "yes" thinking on morning after such night when he would probably come to my bed asking me to get early to play with him or watch cartoons, lol.

Dear Ken even you said how you don't see yourself as father I'm sure that you'd be more than good one! You have a lot of love to share and that is only what matters with kids wink

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#432585 - 04/26/13 09:19 PM Re: My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had. [Re: BraveFalcon]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 935
Loc: southern California
Ken,
Many of us are in your situation. I know I am, except you worded it better than I could.

Maybe a some of my practices will spark ideas for you.

When the kids phone me on holidays or my birthday when I can't visit them, I intentionally let their call go to voice mail so they can leave a recorded message. I have a collection of their messages I keep on my cell phone. When I'm down I call voicemail and listen to these tiny voices wishing me all kinds of great wishes, singing ditties to me, and leaving comical blunders. It gives me hope and energy when I'm running on empty.

Facebook has an option where families can create a private folder for family members only. We share photos, comments, updates, etc. I don't enjoy Facebook in general, but this one feature fills my life with something bigger than myself.

A phone feature to phone at a reduced rate is optimal in these situations. Let them know..let them know...let them know....that you carry them in your thoughts.

Same with cards. Kids L-O-V-E mail and packages....even a little bag of Jelly Bellies. A single dollar bill in a card sends a message much greater than its 100-cents worth. Postage can be costly so sometimes I grab a card at the dollar store and "customize it," age-appropriately.

Inspire them by making handmade cards for them...out of the blue...for no special occasion other than, "I'm thinking of you." No doubt they will retaliate with a battalion of "creative artwork." My favorites are the pencil traces of their hand prints alongside their signatures.

Be verbal and express your appreciation for artwork from the kids...and make your request known to the parents. It is rare a parent wouldn't be thrilled to have their children's creativity adored and respected by a loving relative.

Of four siblings, only one of us, my eldest brother, married. He had one daughter and one son. Each of them has one daughter and one son. One set of the kids is college-age, the other set is toddler age. For the older ones, I took up "texting" ...which I dislike in itself...but I do it solely to keep them in touch and connected to me. I send them little things in the mail once in a while and they get a kick out of it just as much as the little ones. "OMG.. crazy Uncle Keith mailed me a box of Gummie boogers!"

There are other options as well, including Skype, etc.

Skip Starbucks and save your change. I have a hunch a trip to Hawaii is in your future. If so, you'll be "home for the holidays." grin
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#432592 - 04/26/13 10:53 PM " [Re: WriterKeith]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 02:07 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top
#432661 - 04/27/13 06:15 PM Re: My Brothers Family - Loosing What I Never Had. [Re: WriterKeith]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1092
Loc: The ATL

Hiya guys. Thanks for the replies and for all the great suggestions. I sincerely do appreciate them.

Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992

i hope you can find it to be easy on yourself. you're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. it's painful to hear you talk so badly about yourself.


I appreciate that you'd say that, but I don't really look at it as talking badly about myself. I'm just being realistic and accepting my limitations in life. I know my limitations and they are many. I know my uses and they are few. That's just the reality of the situation.

Originally Posted By: lbcali1978
Since you drink you may not know the Serenity Prayer for Aa/NA but it's really profound to accept what we can't change. Really is.


I've had friends who are friends of Bill W and I know the Serenity Prayer. I'm not religious and I don't say it but I do believe it's a good philosophy. Even though I'm not an AA member and don't plan to be, I try to live my life and look at the world though that very principle. Control what I can control, release the rest to the universe and hope for the best. At the end of the day, it really is all you can do in this horrifyingly fucked-up, cold, cruel, horrible shithole of a planet we live on.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Ken, man, I want you to know I read the entire post. I am sorry the kids are going to be gone for such a long time at such a long distance. And with a heart like yours, the kids are going to miss you as well.


I'm not sure how much they miss me. I've hardly been in their lives enough for them to develop an attachment of any kind. Besides, you know how kids are. Out of sight, out of mind, for the most part. It's ok though. I don't want them to miss me. I want them to be as happy as possible, always.

Originally Posted By: Lancer
Oh Ken, I just LOVED the "wake up" story. I'm so glad you posted it. As he grows up, you'll at least have the option of email, iPhones, etc., as he absorbs Hawaii (my second home for a few years). Not to sound overly optimistic, but compared to 10-20 years ago, how unbelievably cool is that? Instant visual communication between ATL and HNL! Not the same as face-to-face, but it may be just enough. As he shares stuff about his remarkable new home, I think you may also find he educates and inspires Little Falcon.


Yeah, I just kind of decided to throw the "wake up" story in there at the beginning. What he said was so funny and adorable I couldn't possibly be annoyed that he was pouncing on my hung-over ass after six hours of sleep. I love to tell people that story. It always makes them laugh.

You make some good points about the technology available to us these days. I frequently check my brother's and my sister in law's FB pages for pics and videos and updates of the kids. It always brightens my day to see one.

Originally Posted By: Lancer
(I missed out on my nephew growing up and becoming a private pilot who also is trying for MLB management...also incredibly cool).


Wow, how cool is that? Good luck to him and, if he makes it, good luck to his team. That is, unless and until his team is playing the Braves. Then I hope his team looses. LOL! grin

Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
Hey Ken,
thanks for sharing this intimate story about your family with all of us.
There is something wonderful, healing and empowering in spending time in play with children.


There is. There really is. I could be having a horrible day and be pissed off at the world and at life but then run into one of my neighbors kids when I get home from work and even that totally brightens my day a little. The interaction may only last a minute but just seeing their smile and hearing what they have to say seems to heal something inside me, if only temporarily.

Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Ken,
When the kids phone me on holidays or my birthday when I can't visit them, I intentionally let their call go to voice mail so they can leave a recorded message. I have a collection of their messages I keep on my cell phone. When I'm down I call voicemail and listen to these tiny voices wishing me all kinds of great wishes, singing ditties to me, and leaving comical blunders. It gives me hope and energy when I'm running on empty.


I've never exactly done this but I have saved their messages for an extended period of time just so I could liten to them if I wanted to. That's cool.


Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
There are other options as well, including Skype, etc.


Skype is something I'm considering. I'll have to see if I can get my brother on board with it.


Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Skip Starbucks and save your change. I have a hunch a trip to Hawaii is in your future. If so, you'll be "home for the holidays." grin


Well, I'm trying to save as much as possible but that isn't so easy. I wish I lived a Starbucks kind of lifestyle but I live more of a gas station swill coffee type. I barley get by as it is and my tastes are far from champagne. Still, I'll save what I can and my tax return money next year should be enough to pay for a ticket out there. Thanks for the suggestions. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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