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#432906 - 04/29/13 06:18 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Sometimes the avoidance and masturbation is easier for them. I know mine carried so much shame(and still does) that to even approach it was taken as "WTH is wrong with you, you nasty person!"

I generally believe that a little self love from time to time is fine, but when it replaces attempting intimacy, it's acting on the fear and shame to numb out, and that's not a good deal. To me, that's like drugging, and isn't acceptable.

But, we can't make anyone grow on our time lines. Honestly, my H still does it, although I can tell from clues that it's less frequent, and I can see that with therapy, he's willing to take the risk of getting emotionally closer to me. That means more sexual closeness, even if it's not to the depth or frequency I would like. So I see progress. I don't say "yay you" or note it aloud, because any mention can still bring the shame back to him, but I show gratitude when he's more emotionally and physically intimate with me.

Observador, is he in therapy right now? if not, what you're saying falls into place pre-recovery. It also makes sense for this to crop back up when survivors are stressed or doing heavy therapeutic work. One of my guy friends who's a survivor pointed out that there were days he could barely carry on an average conversation, much less maintain emotional intimacy with anyone else. He said his emotions were just fried.

Edited because I addressed the wrong person. Sorry!


Edited by Airmid (04/29/13 06:19 PM)

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#433061 - 04/30/13 04:02 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Airmid]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
Originally Posted By: Airmid
Observador, is he in therapy right now? if not, what you're saying falls into place pre-recovery. It also makes sense for this to crop back up when survivors are stressed or doing heavy therapeutic work. One of my guy friends who's a survivor pointed out that there were days he could barely carry on an average conversation, much less maintain emotional intimacy with anyone else. He said his emotions were just fried.

No he is not. We can't afford it. He even denies that it ever happened. I found out about his CSA by pure chance, he was having a nightmare. So I started to put thing together and figured it out.
I am a stay at home mom, with no family close, but him, and depend on him for every little thing. I have to ask permission to do anything, tell him if I go to the grocery store. If I ask him why he is late, or what he is doing, he gets mad, and always turn the things around, like I am to blame for everything. I am so tired. I am so weak, I can't confront him, because I know he will blame it on me, and it will put me down, and I will believe him. I am so afraid to tell him anything. I try to do everything right, so he would no get angry. He does not call me names, or bad words, he does not hit me, but I hate the way he makes me feel. Once I was shaking and Stuttering(?)( sorry, my English is doubtful) to tell him something that I could not do the way he wanted me to, over the phone. When I approached him to read about CSA on the internet, to see if he could identify himself with anything, he said I was not right in head, I should seek help, and I believed him, even though I knew deep inside that I was fine, I even started hearing voices, noises there were not there. But then I got back on my feet for the sake of my children. I am so tired. I don't smile anymore. I am alone, my family is so far away. It is hard to accept that the person I love and care the most is the one responsible for my misery and despair.

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#433076 - 04/30/13 06:11 PM Re: How not to get angry ... [Re: Observador]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I'm sorry you're hurting. Is there a domestic violence/abuse center in your area? Not only do they offer shelter, but counseling for all types of abuse. the center where I live (near a major city), also offers one-on-one for men, should he ever get willing to heal.

But this space is yours. Since he's acting controlling, you may have to get creative: maybe call the center and arrange for a session when they offer child care. Explain the truth to them, and to him...well, since we repeat patterns we learned as kids, there's a chance you might come from a controlling or abusive house, yes? If so, he will only know you're going to deal with the fallout from that. If you didn't grow up with any abuse, you might need to find another way to leave for sessions. this is vital for us; I don't know where I'd be without individual counseling. Last January, I finally had had enough (the story is long and in my first few posts if you'd like to read it), and did actually prepare to leave if he didn't seek help for himself. Ou marriage counselor asked him to not return to session until he wasn't intimidating, threatening and abusive; she arranged for him to get individual elsewhere.

Another option is Al-Anon, and many cities have meetings with child care and during the day when most people are at work, as well as at night.

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