Newest Members
Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated, donmarks
12383 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alan Fountain (52), blindpet (31), egoror (49), Midas (33), uwa (78)
Who's Online
3 registered (don64, Won'tGiveUp, 1 invisible), 29 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12383 Members
74 Forums
63648 Topics
444521 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#432042 - 04/22/13 08:18 AM Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart?
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
I'm married and work for a Protestant Church.

I've always respected what Jesus said about anyone looking upon another woman with lust is committing adultery in his heart.

But when I have fantasies about sucking my brother's penis, am I not doing the same thing?

I've recently decided to strive for a purer marriage. We're pretty "normal", I think, maybe even boring.

But today I gave time to fantasies about my brother.

Recently I attended a marriage workshop where looking at pornography was compared to having a mistress.

I'm just as bad, aren't I? Or worse, since we are talking about my own brother.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

Top
#432044 - 04/22/13 09:13 AM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
L2R -

i don't know your history, but i would bet that you are "re-playing old tapes" when you fantasize. in other words, you are probly remembering something that happened to you - or rather that was done to you - when you were very young and impressionable. my T says that especially when it is an intense experience - emotionally or physically - it creates pathways with the synapses of the brain and nerves and programs you to associate certain triggers with the original sensations and events.

all that being said - we do have a certain amount of choice over what we think about. sometimes it is a struggle - i know. but it is possible to re-program or re-wire the brain and condition ourselves to think about and respond to the types of stimuli we want to establish as a new normal.

in my opinion, God is merciful and forgiving and will not blame or condemn you for something that was perpetrated against you and that you do not desire and are striving to correct or resist. i am learning that God is less demanding and more loving and accepting toward me than i am to myself.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#432048 - 04/22/13 09:43 AM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow Lee, it couldn't be said better, I totally I agree.
It looks like re-traumatizing memories/fantasies learning2remember - sort of scar left from past and some abusive experience. Somewhere here was thread with "penis fixation" topic that has answer on some questions about such or similar behavior with survivors as I can remember.
Concerning your question I guess that pornography remark should be seen in overall story about marriage as something possible damaging to relationship between two persons and shouldn't be taken outside of that context (that is my opinion).
In any case you are not bad because it happens to you. You are doing good-thing by sharing it and trying to learn about it!

Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#432077 - 04/22/13 01:44 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
God is good as i sat in meditation this morning thanking God for being porn free for almost 2 years and what A relief that is . I began to realize while i still struggle with temptation it is a far better cry than having to deal with the teptation & the guilt of giving in than the extreme high of doing the deed and than the exteme low of falling yet again and the shame guilt and lrts not for get yhe condimnation of the enemy sceaming at me every chance he got . Telling me how unworthy i was now and how weak i am on and on and on .
Now all i deal with is the temptation and as i have grown stronger and have been able to realize the full armour of God is something Tangible that I can use in my everyday life And by the renewing of my mind by the word of God I have come along way and not being where are use to be.

My point is now that you have begun striving for his righteousness Instead of making excuses or compromising what the Spirit has truly revealed to you Only now can God be able to truly help you. Because you have come into the knowledge of truth and as long as you strive for this truth And do not accept compromise you will be able to eventually overcome. I cannot lie I used to do exactly what you're doing and sometimes catch myself still doing it. The difference is I Really strive not to go to full-blown fantasy mode.

Because you have to think about what you are thinking about. You have the power to cast out these thoughts you do not have to let them run wild. I used to think if I thought about something I had to keep thinking about it truth is you can cast those thoughts out and set your mind on higher things.

You have broken the stronghold of secrecy you have confessed now the enemy no longer has this power over you. The spirit has revealed it's true to you that it is in fact indeed adultery in your heart The problem is most people just dismiss this this is the spirit of God at work with In you revealing things that it wants to purge From your life.

This is a wonderful thing this means you are being conformed to the image of Christ. The Spirit is moving in you revealing things not of God to you. This is a good sign if you were not hating the sin you once loved and then I would be scared .

The best weapon is to renew your mind build your faith it may take years even but the more you renew your mind the stronger you will become. Yes I said it might even take years but it is your hungering and thirsting for righteousness that will ultimately lead you to be filled. God does not say exactly when you will be filled but you will be filled not because I said so but because the word of God says so.

I really struggled inward within myself over pornography for over nine years. But i kept hungering & thirsting for his Righteousness I was never satisfied with my sin I continued to hate the sin I once loved Therefore my deliverance came And so will yours if you continue on the path.
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

Top
#432078 - 04/22/13 01:50 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: traveler]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
I believe in what you just said , One must be careful with the forgiveness and grace of God . It cannot be used as an excuse to continue in sin. The word of God is of power and might it is not of talk. God gives us all of the tools we need to overcome our sin It boils down to our willingness to want to overcome. Hungering and thirsting for his righteousness setting it above our own will. Like I said in my other post it took over 9 years to overcome my addiction to pornography But I was never satisfied as this young man is not satisfied . Your post was very strong and I know that God does forgive and has grace Through these periods as long as we are striving to overcome. Just as you said Lee


The problem is that so many do not think this way they justify their sin instead .
We cannot sit back in our sin & be comfortable saying oh well God will forgive me. For there is indeed no grace to be found in this area. But as we strive for his righteousness hunger and thirst for it in the midst of the sin his grace and forgiveness holds us up. It carries us while we are still weak in training so to speak Until one day we are able to stand on our own that is where grace is found.


Edited by nltsaved (04/22/13 02:25 PM)
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

Top
#432204 - 04/23/13 06:28 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
My opinion:

I would suggest that you make decisions about how to deal with these issues based on what is healthy for you. I would suggest that you don't focus on "shoulds" and "shall nots" but rather what is beneficial for you. Ask yourself if these fantasies are harming you. If so, work on them from that perspective. Getting in knots about whether or not things are bad or worse isn't going to help you. Think about it in terms of problems to be solved. Beating yourself up over it isn't going to help anyone.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#432280 - 04/24/13 01:29 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I would recommend to get deep into the bible and pray as The Lord will open your heart and eyes to His way.
Your and our brains have been traumatized. So the image coming into your mind is probably put there by your past. Wishing you the best brother.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#432552 - 04/26/13 05:58 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
from personal experience, it is my belief that indulging in pornography and fantasy has only hindered my healing process.
at first, i thought it was a "safe" and "harmless" way of calming compulsive thoughts. but it has had a deep negative impact on my life. nothing good came of it. that path is a one-way street on a dead-end road. pornography and fantasy became a barrier between me and my partner, and more importantly, it came between me and my creator.

i recommend the bible. read it. study it. discuss it.

and for the sake of your own soul... learn to love and forgive those who abused you.
BUT FIRST... love and forgive YOURSELF!

you will find the compulsive thoughts will diminish, and dissipate... gradually, but certainly.

hope it works for you as it has worked for me.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#436830 - 06/04/13 12:55 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#436832 - 06/04/13 01:03 PM Re: Am I committing adultery (and incest) in my heart? [Re: learning2remember]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Learning2remember, how are you doing?
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.